“Why does everyone have to keep punching me in the face?” Jack complained, nursing his bruised jaw and split lip. It would be fully healed before long, but that was beside the point; if people really HAD to hit him, why was is always his face that bore the brunt of their annoyance?

“Because you’re too pretty and they get envious,” Ianto replied, passing his lover an icepack. “Or because your smile is so bright it presents an easy target. Or because they want you to STOP smiling, some people find your smile intimidating. Or it might just be because you were flirting with that guy’s wife, daughter, and son-in-law right in front of him. That kind of thing gets some people’s back up. You’re lucky he didn’t have a gun, or you might be dealing with a lot worse than a split lip.”

“Some people have no sense of humour, and no taste either. Who would want to damage this?” Jack gestured at his face. “I get them being envious, not everyone can look this good, but I still think it’s unfair. They don’t even know I heal fast.”

“Maybe if you weren’t so intent on flirting with practically everything that moves, you wouldn’t get punched so often.”

“I can’t help being the way I am!” Jack pouted, then winced as his healing lip split open again, leaving a thin trickle of blood running down his chin.

“You’re your own worst enemy, Jack. I’m not saying you should stop flirting entirely, some people appreciate the attention.” And some appreciated it a bit TOO much, but Ianto thought it best not to mention that part. “You just need to be more aware of people’s reactions, and don’t hit on someone’s significant other, or other family members, right in front of them. It’s bad form.”

“It’s not as if I plan to flirt,” Jack whined, clutching the icepack against his sore lip and looking as pitiful as he could. “It’s automatic, it just… happens!”

“And when people punch you, that’s an automatic response as well. You annoy them, and they react. Maybe if you tried not sticking your nose, and the rest of your face, into other people’s business, you wouldn’t get punched as often.”

“You’re mean. You could at least show some sympathy,” Jack mumbled past the icepack, laying it on thick with wide, hurt eyes.

“I gave you an icepack, what more do you want?”

“Kiss it better?”

“I’ll pass, for now. Your lips will be ice cold; it would be like kissing a dead fish. Don’t pout; you’ll only hurt your lip again.” The pout was hidden by the icepack, but Ianto knew it was there.

“Meanie.”

“You’re immortal, a punch to the mouth is hardly the end of the world. You complained less last week when that Snorvic bit off three of your fingers.”

“I’m less attached to my fingers than I am to my face,” Jack muttered.

“You certainly were last week,” Ianto agreed. “It wasn’t easy getting them back from the Snorvic so they’d reattach, and you wouldn’t have to grow new ones.”

“That was very brave of you.”

Snorvic had very sharp teeth, for creatures not much bigger than a large guinea pig.

“I’m selfless that way.”

“It might’ve done a lot more damage to you than it did to me.”

“Not after I shot it.” It might have been the size of a guinea pig, but it hadn’t resembled one in the slightest. It was more like a scaly land piranha.

“If you’d defended me like that today, I wouldn’t have been punched.”

“Jack, I do NOT go around shooting unarmed civilians!”

“That’s not what I meant! You could have just… I don’t know, talked him down or something, preferably BEFORE he hit me.”

“What happened to you was NOT my fault! You could’ve apologised, made up an excuse for your behaviour, or just not done it in the first place. Maybe next time you’ll be more careful.”

“Yes, next time I’ll be sure to check whether someone is left- or right-handed. I never saw that punch coming!”


The End