Title: Eyesore
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,278 words
Content notes: Minor spoilers for BigFinish audioplay “The Last Beacon”
Author notes: Written for Challenge 398 - Scenery
Summary: Owen isn’t nearly as enthused by the scenery as Ianto.


“Kebab shop,” Owen repeated silently in his head, keeping a count of them as they passed by the bus windows. God, this was a nightmare. Was this all Wales was? Miles of mind-numbing countryside interspersed with portable kebab shops? No wonder people killed themselves or went on murderous rampages. For a lack of other things to do, that actually rated as something that sounded marginally like fun. He knew that if he had to see much more of this, he was going to be Wales’ next serial killer.

He spared a glance as his teammate, who had at least wisely chosen not to try and share the seat with him, instead opting to sit on the worn upholstery of the seat across the aisle. Perhaps he sensed the murderous intent building up inside Owen and thought to better his chances of survival. If Owen had to choose a victim right now, it wouldn't be Ianto, but rather the annoying bloke two rows in front of him having a very loud and almost indecipherable conversation with every other local on the bus. Anything to shut him up. That Welsh drawl was enough to make even the most sane person go loopy. Not to mention the mindless drivel that counted for scintillating topics of conversation.

Ianto had the gall to look happy as the bus continued to trundle from side to side, stopping even when there was no bus shelter in sight to pick up or drop off passengers. He beamed at the scenery outside, all those hills and crumbling two up two down little houses that squashed themselves together when there was space going spare. If Owen had to live out here he'd want to be a hundred miles from the next human being, not so close that he could hear all their business through his living room wall. Ianto was in his element so it seemed. Stupid valleys boy. How could anyone actually enjoy this?

He’d pissed Jack off, Owen decided. He wasn't sure how, but with Jack it was sometimes hard to tell what was going to annoy him. That was the only explanation for it, surely. Jack didn't just stick Owen out on assignment with their tea boy because it sounded like a good idea. This had to be punishment for something Owen had done. Mucking out the weevil cells had to be better than this, though. This was torture and they hadn't even arrived yet. If this was how it was going to be for the entire investigation then Owen really was going to murder someone.

Then again, maybe Jack wasn't punishing him, but instead doing Ianto a favour. There was something fishy going on with those two. They'd been a bit more chummy lately, Owen reckoned, and now Ianto was getting to go out on investigations and everything. If he'd sweet talked Jack into dragging him out here with him then there was going to be hell to pay. It’d be just like Jack to bend the rules and put Ianto in charge of him for the day, knowing it would please one and piss off the other. He supposed at least if Ianto was in charge, it could all go horribly balls up and that would at least put an end to him ever being left in charge again. And it would mean Jack eating humble pie, so that didn’t sound so bad either.

‘Kebab shop,’ Owen said, this time out loud for the benefit of his teammate as the bus pulled in to pick up some old duck who had to have a twenty minute conversation with the driver to catch up on all the local news before they were allowed to get going again. Small wonder Ianto had to buy them a weekend rider ticket. At this rate it was going to take all bloody weekend to get there.

Ianto slowly turned his head to look at Owen as if he were a mere distraction to what was going on outside. ‘Hmm?’

‘Never mind,’ Owen muttered, leaning his elbow back on the window sill and heaving a sigh. ‘Are we there yet?’ Please, God, say they were almost there.

‘Nope,’ Ianto said, sounding pleased an simultaneously crushing Owen’s hopes. ‘Only just past Llanbradach.’

‘Which is where exactly on the map of the arse end of everywhere?’

‘About half way. Did you know that Llanbradach was actually–’

‘Save it, Ianto,’ Owen said, abruptly cutting him off before he could impart yet another one of his useless facts about the area. ‘Just because you grew up round here and think it's all fascinating doesn't mean the rest of us do.’ Fascinating didn’t even come close to describing this place. Owen had a whole other repertoire of words he would use in its place.

Ianto dropped into silence, chastised by Owen's snarky remarks. ‘I thought you might like to get out of the city,’ he finally said, unable to maintain the silence between them.

He turned to face Ianto, catching a whiff of the bad breath from the skanky pair of teenage boys sitting directly behind him as they shared pictures from a phone that looked distinctly pornographic and giggling at them. ‘And why is that? I happen to like the city. It's civilised. And people speak English.’

‘They are speaking English,’ Ianto replied, referring to the chatty locals travelling with them. ‘Well, mostly. Don't you find it picturesque out here? You don't get views like this in Cardiff, not even from Jack's favourite rooftops.’

‘Yeah, it's great,’ Owen said disinterestedly. ‘Miles of grass and slag heaps from 1928. Can't wait to stop off somewhere so we can pick up some postcards.’ At least then the team might know where to start looking for their bodies when they never came back.

‘I happen to like it,’ Ianto said, trying to defend it, but losing conviction at the end and dropping more into a sulk at the sight of Owen’s withering glare.

‘After what happened last time, I can't imagine anyone wanting to come out here,’ Owen said. Ianto had come closer to being butchered by the local cannibals than any of them. If that wasn't enough to put you off the sodding countryside he didn't know what would.’

‘If I thought about everything bad that happened at work I'd never leave my house.’

True enough, Owen supposed. Then again, mysterious signals emanating from some remote part of rural Wales didn't bode well for anything less than psychopaths or killer aliens. No amount of weekends visiting your nan was going to change that.

‘Can you at least try and enjoy the scenery without thinking there's something awful lurking just around the corner?’ Ianto implored him with a look that had no doubt broken Jack into agreeing with him, thus their current predicament.

Owen heaved another sigh, knowing that coming back empty handed before they’d even begun was not going to earn him any brownie points with the boss. ‘Fine, but if I see one more kebab shop I'm going to start investigating those instead. Nowhere this remote needs that many kebab shops.’

‘There's a lovely waterfall where we're going,’ Ianto said, changing subject slightly. ‘I promise you, it's worth the travel just to see that.’

‘If you say so,’ he replied, slumping back down in the seat as more drudgery passed him by in a constant chatter of busybody Welsh voices.

‘Oh, would you look at that,’ Ianto said, pointing out his side of the bus.

Owen sat up. ‘What?’

‘No, my mistake. They were only selling baps, not kebabs. Crisis averted. But that rolling hillside is just something, isn't it?’

‘God, kill me now.’