Title: Memories Beyond The Wall
Fandom: A Song Of Ice And Fire
Rating: PG
Length: 1,670 words
Challenge: The Other Side
Author's Note: This story is a sequel to my "Winterfell's Masquerade", made for the "Masks" challenge.
Summary: Facing the world beyond the Wall, Jon regret his decision to leave Faeleen, and decides to tell Sam everything about his childhood friend.

Jon shuddered while facing the world that expected him beyond the Wall. Castle Black had little colour, but the wildling world was nothing but white. He couldn’t remember anything more depressing that.

No, that was a lie. He could remember something more depressing: the look on Faeleen’s face when he told her he wasn’t going to give up joining the Night’s Watch. She tried not to cry while leaving his room, but when she was gone, he was sure she cried a river, because he had cried too, although he wouldn’t admit it to anyone but her.

As he impelled his horse on, leading not only the animal, but also himself to the unknown world on the other side, he thought more and more of his Faeleen. He shouldn’t have fallen to her seduction plan, but the truth was he wanted it as badly as her. He had always wanted her.

However, he was always very aware that he would never have her. As he had told her that last night, for a smaller lord, half a Stark was better than nothing – at least, if you were a bastard daughter. For a son, like him, though, there was no hope, no purpose. The Night’s Watch was the only way for him, as was for his uncle Benjen, the younger child.

But the knowledge that Faeleen loved him back only made everything worst. Having a reason to stay, was hard convincing himself he had to go nonetheless. And now, he regretted his decision. The grey clouds on the sky appeared to be there only to remind him of the grey of her eyes, so alike his own.

“What’s wrong with you today, Jon?” Sam asked him, startling him. Was he really that distracted to not even notice his friend approach? “I never saw you so… off.”

“I’m sorry. I just… I have a bad feeling, that’s all.”

He felt Ghost’s fur on his leg and the presence of his wolf felt really reassuring. He knew what he was going through, he was the only one that really knew, since he was the only one there who met Faeleen.

“Having bad dreams again?” Sam asked.

Sam, as one of the meistre’s stewards, knew everything about Jon’s needs of the meistre’s medicines. Meistre Aemon had given him something for his nightmares quite often since he arrived at Castle Black.

“Haven’t I always?” Jon retorted.

“Maybe you should just go see her, Jon.”

Jon went still, his blood suddenly ice cold. What had Sam just said?

Seeing the apprehension on his friend’s eyes, Sam opened a small gentle smile.

“You talk on your sleep, Jon. I had visited you a few times under Meistre Aemon’s request, and I had heard some whispers coming from you.”

Jon fought the warmth that threatened to take over his whole face. He couldn’t blush, not in front of his brothers of the Watch.

“I cannot go see her, Sam.”

“Not now, since we are headed north, but maybe when you get back, you should ask the Lord Commander for a license to leave. It will do you some good, Jon.”

“No, it will do me worse, Sam. If I find her the way I left her, I won’t have the strength to come back. I can’t be a deserter now. Not because of a woman.”

Sam felt sympathy for his friend. He wouldn’t like to leave, had him had back home someone waiting for him.

“Would you tell me more about her, Jon? Maybe I can help you.”

Jon sighed and looked at Ghost. The wolf, suddenly aware of his stare, looked back at him with intensity. Jon thought that was his way of saying he should agree with the proposal.

“Okay, Sam. When we stop to rest, I will tell you about her.”

Sam nodded and went back to his position at the end of the retinue.

With grief maculating his eyes, Jon stared once more at the enormous amount of snow ahead on their way. That was just depressing.

After some days of non-stopping walk, all Jon had seen was snow and trees. Some houses here and there, but they were all abandoned by their owners. The whole place seemed sad and hunted, not at all like the beloved town where he had grown up with his brothers and sisters… and their cousin.

He never thought he would be glad to see Craster’s home. If it meant they would stop wandering that forsaken place, it seemed good enough. After he had taken care of all his duties, he headed for the camping part where he knew he would find Sam.

“So…” he started, trying the hardest to get comfortable on the hard snow covered ground. “Where do you want me to begin?”

Sam smiled, sitting next to him. There was nothing he enjoyed more than a good story.

“Wherever you like.”

Jon sighed.

“Faeleen is a bastard child, just like me. She is the daughter of Brandon Stark and a southern lady that never took interest on her. She came to Winterfell along with me, although she was born some months prior. We grew up together as the Stark bastards, the Snows among Lady Catelyn’s legitimate heirs. She was the only one that could truly understand me.”

“Lady Stark is coming to get Robb, we should probably get inside before she sees us.” A small Faeleen whispered on his ear.

Jon nodded and followed her inside.

“It’s unfair that she likes you.” He grimaced

Faeleen laughed.

“She doesn’t like me. She just bears me more easily because I’m not the illegitimate daughter of the man she is married with.”

“No, but your father was her fiancé when he had you.”

She shrugged.

“Apparently she doesn’t care much about that.”

“You’re too lucky.”

With no warn, she hugged him.

“It’s all right, I’m here, am I not?”

“Life on Winterfell definitely wouldn’t be the same without her.” He admitted. “I don’t think I would be able to put up with Lady Stark had she not been there to aid me.”

“Happy twelfth day of your name, Faeleen.” He wished her with a smile on his lips.

Her response, however, was faint.

“Thank you, Jon.”

“Something wrong? If I remember correctly you always made me do all sort of things for you as a gift. What happened to the enthusiastic girl I have known all this years?”

She tried to smile, but she just couldn’t. He was the one person she would never be able to lie to.

“Lady Catelyn is trying to arrange my wedding.”

The piece of news caught Jon by surprise.

“Already? I thought you had a couple of years more to worry about this.”

“Apparently, just because I bled last year, I should already be married. I don’t want to marry some creepy old lord. I want to stay.”

She was on the verge of tears, and he hated when she cried.

“Half a Stark is better than none. For a small lord, at least.”

“I don’t want to marry a lord, Jon!”

“You rather end up as Sansa’s maid?”

At that point, she was already crying freely.

“You never noticed, did you?”

With that, she left him behind, completely clueless of why she was suddenly so mad at him.

“I guess… I should have noticed earlier. Before she did that stupidity on my last day on Winterfell. But I was blind. I loved her, but I knew she would never be mine. Not on Lady Catelyn’s watch. Not when she could actually be married with someone important.”

“What did she do on your last day, Jon?” Sam asked carefully.

“On my last night, there was a masquerade in honour of Queen Cersei. Faeleen took the opportunity to hide behind a mask and convince me to…” he hesitated for a minute. “To take her to my bed. I guess, deep down I knew it was her, or, at least, I wanted it to be her. But it was a mistake. The worst mistake I could ever have made. She asked me to run away with her, but I refused. For the honour of our fathers’ House.”

Sam was quiet for a long moment before saying something.

“She must be devastated. You really should go see her, Jon, if we ever leave this horrible place. It was not a good way to say goodbye.”

“No, it wasn’t. But there was no other way, Sam. I gave my word that I would join the Watch, and she was supposed to marry some unknown lord. Lady Stark would never let us do otherwise.”

“Still. It wasn’t the best way to leave her, Jon. You are having nightmares. What can possibly be going on with her?”

Jon didn’t want to even think about it. He would rather think she was fine, getting ready for her wedding to start a new life in a place she would have no memories of him. However, once his eyes found Ghost, a new set of memories invaded him.

“I can’t believe you found a dire-wolf’s puppies on the Summer Snow!” Faeleen shouted once she had a small Ghost on her arms.

“I’m sorry there wasn’t any for you, Fae.” Jon apologized, feeling a little embarrassed for not giving Ghost to her in the first place.

“Are you kidding me? It’s alright! I’m not a daughter of Lord Eddard. Besides, now I get to raise Ghost with you!”

And there was no one Ghost loved more than her. Sometimes, Jon even thought the wolf liked her better than him.

Yes, he had done all wrong, but now it was too late. He was too far away from her, on the north side of the Wall. He couldn’t reach her anymore. There was nothing he could do now for the both of them. He had made a vow, and she had probably already made one to her husband. Their fate was to be apart. There was no changing that now.