“I used to think I understood science,” Ianto admitted, sprawled surprisingly untidily on the sofa in the Hub. “I mean, I did okay with chemistry and physics in school, a little better in biology. An able but unexceptional student, that was what I got on my report cards, and I passed my exams, but… Back then, I thought all the scientific laws and formulae the teachers drummed into our heads were… set in stone, unchangeable, universal, and now I don’t know what to think.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jack reassured his lover. “The human race just hasn’t got to the more advanced stuff yet. It will happen, over the next couple of thousand years, then the universe will really start to open up for you, you’ll learn the science of space travel, and so much more. But even in my time, there are still races far in advance of anything fifty-first century humans can understand. Most of the transformative technology comes from those races.”

“None of that helps in the current situation.” Ianto turned weary eyes on Jack. “What if it doesn’t wear off? Nothing I’ve dug out of the archives has been any help, and Tosh and Owen…” He trailed off, his eyes unwillingly drawn to the receptacle on the coffee table. “I’m not sure we even got all of them. What if they do turn back into themselves and there are… bits missing. As it is, they’re all mixed up, and I know they wanted to spend some quality time together, but I’m fairly sure this isn’t what they meant. If Tosh was still herself, I’m sure she’d have everything sorted by now, she’s always understood alien technology better than the rest of us, but under the circumstances…”

“Look, the Doctor will be here soon, and I’m sure he’ll be able to sort them out. At least they’re still alive, and mostly in one piece. I think.”

“If you can call THAT life. They’re just a mass of protoplasm!” Ianto didn’t mention the eyes. He didn’t want to THINK about the eyes. At least with his friends contained in a plastic bucket, they weren’t staring at him accusingly.

Okay, maybe he was projecting, and it wasn’t any kind of accusation, since this had decidedly NOT been Ianto’s fault, even if it felt like it was. Technically, if anyone was to blame, it was Owen for messing about with things he didn’t understand, and for getting Tosh involved, but Ianto had been the one to put them in their bucket, because leaving them lying around on the tiled floor of the autopsy bay had seemed disrespectful. If it hadn’t been for the eyes, who knew WHAT he might have done to them… Didn’t bear thinking about! Funny how he could identify his friends by their eyes, even in their current gelatinous state. Not funny in an amusing way though, more deeply disturbing than anything. Especially when they blinked. They shouldn’t have anything to blink WITH. It was creepy!

“Are you okay?” Jack put a comforting hand on Ianto’s knee.

“No, I think I can honestly say I’m anything BUT okay. I’ve never had to scoop my still living friends off the floor and put them in a bucket before now, and I never want to have to do that again! You did tell the Doctor this was an emergency, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did! He said he’d be here right away.”

“This is the Doctor we’re talking about, Jack. For him, right away might be in six months. I’m not sure Tosh and Owen can survive six hours in their current condition, let alone six months!”

“They seem to be doing alright so far.”

“And on what, exactly, are you basing that observation?”

Jack had no good answer for that, but thankfully, a moment later, the sound of the TARDIS materialising filled the Hub, and the Doctor came out the door, bounding over to where they were sitting.

“Right, here I am! What seems to be the problem?”

Ianto just pointed at the bucket, pointedly not looking that way himself. “Tosh and Owen.”

The Doctor peered into the bucket at the gloop and the four blinking eyes that shouldn’t be able to blink. “Oh, hello! Sorry, didn’t see you there.”

“Doctor,” Jack cut in. “They aren’t supposed to look like that. They’re human!”

“Were human,” Ianto corrected. “Right now, I’m not sure they can be classified as such.”

“Right. Of course. Let’s see what we have here.” Out came the sonic screwdriver, waved over them, poked into the bucket with them. “Ah, I see the problem.”

“So do we. They’ve been reduced to protoplasm!” Sometimes, Ianto worried about the Doctor. For an alien of a scientifically advanced race, he could be a bit… well, not quite all there.

“Do you have samples of their original DNA?”

“Of course we do!” In Ianto’s opinion, that was a dumb question. In Torchwood, keeping the team’s DNA on file was essential, along with supplies of blood, for transfusion purposes, fingerprints, dental records, retinal scans, and other means of identification. Jack had wanted to take everyone’s ear prints as well, but Owen had drawn the line at that, even though ears could be as unique as fingerprints.

“Good. If you’ll get those for me, I’ll soon have them back to normal.”

“I’m very glad to hear that.” Ianto dragged himself off the sofa and went to fetch what the Doctor needed. Then the Doctor insisted that Ianto put his friends back where he’d found them, pouring them back onto the floor of the autopsy bay, because reconstituting two adult humans inside a small plastic bucket was never going to work.

“Sorry about this,” Ianto said, upending the bucket as carefully as he could, and hoping nothing would be left inside it. Four eyes blinked at him from the floor, and he repressed a shudder; he’d seen some truly horrible things in his time with Torchwood, but somehow this was one of the worst.

“Nothing to worry about.” The Doctor sounded cheerfully reassuring, which only served to make Ianto even more worried than he had been. “Ladies first, isn’t it?” With that, he got to work with Tosh’s DNA profile and the sonic screwdriver. Watching his best friend form from the puddle of goo was… not something Ianto was going to forget in a hurry. It was horrifyingly fascinating, and of course there were no clothes involved, because this was Torchwood, and dignity, not to mention modesty, was one of the first things Torchwood agents had to say goodbye to. As she stepped out of the remaining goo, Ianto handed her Owen’s white lab coat to put on. The medic would have to do without.

Then it was Owen’s turn, and as he coalesced, the pool of goo got rapidly smaller until it had all been reabsorbed.

“Took your sweet time, didn’t you?” he sniped.

“Don’t even TRY to blame me!” Ianto snapped. “You were the one messing about with something none of us could identify! Personally, I think the Doctor should take that contraption, whatever it is, with him. Having our medic and our tech expert reduced to a puddle of goo isn’t practical.”

“It’s a molecular de-bonder, a very useful gadget,” the Doctor explained, picking the device up and examining it.

“Not around here it isn’t. It’s a liability, a disaster waiting to happen, a threat to our sanity, what little of it we have left.”

“Don’t mind Ianto.” Jack put an arm around his lover. “He’s a bit overwrought at the moment.”

“As well I might be. I don’t enjoy mopping up my friends. Future science and technology are proving bad for my mental health.”

“Not that you had much of that to start with.” Owen was smirking.

“Do you want to go back to being a puddle of goo in a bucket?” Ianto threatened, his eyes narrowed. “I’m sure I can arrange that.”

“Lighten up, I was only joking.”

“The trouble with your jokes is that they’re not funny.”

“Well,” Tosh said, “it looks like everything is back to normal. If nobody minds, I think I’ll go and find some clothes.”

Owen belatedly remembered he was naked. “Fuck!” He scurried towards the door leading to the locker room.

“Doctor, thank you.” Jack offered his hand and the Doctor shook it.

“Any time, Jack, you know that. Always happy to help my friends. I’ll be off now. Things to be, places to do, something like that. Mister Jones, a pleasure as always.”

“Thank you, Doctor. I was worried they’d be stuck like that permanently, all mixed together.”

“Oh, it would have worn off eventually, the setting for a permanent de-bonding wasn’t engaged, but I daresay it would have been a bit inconvenient, having them like that for a few weeks.”

“That’s an understatement. They’re completely back to normal though, are they? Not likely to dissolve again?”

“Everything is fixed,” the Doctor assured him.

Ianto had his reservations about that, so when, a mere six weeks later, Tosh announced that she was pregnant, he couldn’t say he was surprised…


The End