Title: Hidden underneath
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 969 words
Content notes: None
Author notes: Written for Challenge 459 - Amnesty, using Challenge 34 - Masks
Summary: Ianto isn’t sure he knows who he is without his masks.



Ianto had been wearing a mask for so long he was no longer certain exactly who he was anymore. He hadn't set out to be deceptive by any means, but he'd found that stepping into the corporate world he'd needed something to protect himself until he found his feet.

He'd always been quiet and kept his opinions to himself when he'd worked in London. Torchwood One was the kind of place that could chew you up and spit you out if you weren't careful. Being careful had become his modus operandi and served him well. He hadn't been anyone of import there but he'd found a place to fit in with the strengths he had to offer and won over the trust of the people that mattered most. It was probably that quiet, careful way of going about things that had ultimately saved his life in the end. If he'd been more of a go-getter, or someone who needed to be surrounded by other people all day long, he'd likely be dead now. Or worse, converted into one of those horrible metal monsters.

Coming back to Cardiff he'd had to be even more careful, not to protect himself but to protect Lisa. No one could know who he really was or what his purpose was in coming here. If they thought he was just some desperado who didn't know anything other than Torchwood then that worked out well. He fell back into his usual routine of being useful but largely invisible.

It was a far cry from the miscreant teenager he'd been when hanging out with the gangs and tagging the side of buildings whilst smoking stolen cigarettes just for something to do and to have a sense of belonging. Even the suits were something he'd never imagine himself wearing. The first few months of wearing one he couldn't wait to get home and rip off the tie before it strangled him to death. Now he couldn't imagine walking out of the house without one. It was a security blanket, with the rest of his ensemble, hiding anyone from seeing him as anything other than just the office boy. He was helpful to a fault, without being imposing, always there with whatever was needed, right when it was needed, and didn't make a fuss. He was efficient and didn’t attract attention. When he was in the spotlight, he handled it with a quiet intelligence and the odd dry-witted quip, just so that people didn’t think him to be a total introverted weirdo. Anything less than a morbid sense of humour would mark you out suspicious.

Who was he, though? Certainly not the person he'd been when he first left Cardiff seeking escape. He'd been hiding himself behind a mask for so long he wasn't sure that if he looked in the mirror he'd see anything else. His false facade had become so familiar to him that he virtually embodied it from the moment he woke until the moment he fell back into bed. He'd been through so much in the last few years he couldn't be the same person anymore. It wasn't possible, but the question was who exactly was he?

Who was this man that was standing in the hallway of his flat, snogging that life out of the most handsome man he'd ever met? More to the point, why was the very handsome man kissing him back? When had he even considered men as being handsome? This was not the same person that he was accustomed to living as.

Jack certainly wasn't doing anything to discourage their kissing, which struck Ianto as odd. Jack had never done more than flirt harmlessly with him because he knew he could get away with it and because they both knew it was just a game they played, exchanging banter. Was Ianto really the type of person who took up with their boss? Was he even the type to take up with other men?

He didn't have an answer for that and yet for the first time in his life, it felt like he'd finally dropped all the masks away and just done the first thing that entered his head without thinking about how it looked to the outsider viewing him. It was liberating to just be able to do something without having motives or a perception that he was trying to maintain. Was this what it was like to live your genuine life?

He'd seen the way Jack did whatever he wanted without regrets, and whilst he appeared happy on the outside, Ianto knew better than to think it was all roses. There were dark times in Jack’s history that Ianto didn't know much about but he sensed them there and the way that they shaped the decisions he made and the way he lived his life. Ianto supposed no one could be completely free of troubles and difficult times, but there was such a way about him that he didn't care what others thought. Jack was going to live his life his way and if other people didn't like it then that was their issue, not his.

Ianto wasn't sure he could adopt such a selfish outlook on life, but this – these exchanges with Jack, taking a risk on something he never would have contemplated in a million years – was so different to anything he’d ever done. Perhaps he didn't need to keep holding all his various masks in place. After all, who was there to care about who he was and what he did? If all it did was prevent him from ever living his life and being happy, then what function did they serve? Maybe, just for a little while, he might leave them in a drawer and discover for the first time who he really was.