Title: No looking back
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,366 words
Content notes: None
Author notes: Written for Challenge 430 - Looking Back
Summary: Ianto reflects on the point in his life where everything has changed.


Ianto sighed as he eased back on the sofa. He was currently stuck in the middle of a human sandwich with Jack underneath him, lying lengthwise along the entire sofa, and with his niece Mica tucked in his own lap, content with fiddling with his mobile phone, playing games on it that he wasn't aware he’d even downloaded. Oh well, he thought. It wasn't like his phone didn't have enough space for them with its two terabytes of storage. It was the minimum any Torchwood agent could be expected to have. You just never knew when you might need to download the plans for an entire alien spaceship to your phone and that took up a lot of space.

It was a strange feeling to be lying there feeling totally relaxed. It wasn't even his sofa, but rather his sister’s sofa in her new house that she'd begrudgingly let him buy. He hadn't yet been able to convince her to replace the sofa from their old house, still as battered looking as ever but he couldn't deny it was also ridiculously comfortable, having been broken in to perfection by any number of family members.

He hugged Mica a little closer to his body and then snuggled back against Jack, letting his eyes slip closed in contented bliss. He'd never imagined he could feel this happy. Looking back now he wondered why the hell he'd resisted as long as he had, keeping his work life separate from his love life, and his love life separate from his family life. The three were inextricably intertwined and trying to live them all in isolation was not only exhausting, but almost impossible.

That his sister had been okay with him admitting to her that he was seeing someone a bit outside the usual spectrum of possibilities didn't seem to faze her in the slightest. He wasn't sure why that surprised him. His sister had always been his biggest critic after his dad, but it was only because she'd always wanted him to do more with his life. That fact that he'd spent years concealing from her what he really did was his first mistake. Granted, she'd been terribly anxious when she'd finally found out that he wasn't the boring public servant he'd portrayed himself to be, but she could see how much it meant to him to have a purpose in life. How could he have possibly done another job after this one? How could anything other than the protection of the city, and the planet as a whole, replace it for importance?

One thing she knew about her brother that he didn't have to conceal was that he was a stickler for details and making sure things got done properly. She knew it because Ianto would have been the only person who dared to suggest that the way she folded pamphlets was not only inefficient but also made it harder to fit them in mailboxes. As if anyone was even reading them and not simply cycling them in the bin when they sorted their post, but that was just who Ianto was. If you were going to do a job then do it properly, or not at all. He was just the same with Torchwood. Anyone might have signed themselves up to try and keep the city safe, but Ianto knew that he'd do a better, more dedicated job of it than most. He wasn't ashamed to berate Jack or Gwen for their sometimes lackadaisical approach to things, and they tolerated his often pedantic manner because they knew it came from the best possible place.

Ianto's sister had further surprised him in his relationship admissions by asking the one question no one else would have thought to ask first. Was he nice? Did he treat Ianto well? In short, was he worthy of Ianto's devotion? The answer wasn’t always obvious. There were loads of times when Jack had been totally cold and aloof with him, making him question their relationship and whether they even had one. What he'd learned, mostly through difficult conversations and rough patches, was that Jack had only held him at arm's length because he was fearful of loving too deeply, knowing it would inevitably lead to loss and heartbreak.

Once Ianto had finally broken through that barrier, Jack had completely changed his ways. He was as attentive and devoted as anyone could have hoped for, and that his sister could see that for herself now only made it that much more precious to him. He was loved fully and completely and no one could have disputed the fact. They could see it in every touch, every glance and every word. His whole family had become immediately accepting of his relationship. It didn't seem to matter one iota whether Ianto’s chosen partner was male or female, only that he had a good heart and didn’t break Ianto’s.

Ianto wasn't gay. He'd never thought of himself in those terms. He was in love with Jack because he was Jack. It wasn't that he didn't find guys attractive, or women unattractive. He could still appreciate, and did, the voluptuous curves of a woman. Jack always argued that he preferred hips and a nice curvy backside, but Ianto disagreed. Women had curves upstairs that were far more worth worshipping. Then again, when it came to men, Jack was all about the nipple play, where Ianto's fixation lay on the parts lower down that he was personally familiar with. Ianto simply accepted it. They liked different things, which was why they liked each other. They complimented one another in so many ways, so why should their physical attractions be any different?

He didn't even consider himself bisexual. With a clarity of realisation that had taken until now, he understood what it was. He was just like Jack. There were no labels for what he was. He simply loved whomever he loved and it didn't matter what their physical or sexual identity was. He had the freedom to find anyone attractive, either physically or sexually. That was new as well. He'd never been able to separate love from physical attraction, or physical attraction from sexual desire. Being with Jack changed all of that. He knew now that he would always love Jack, but that they were able to see the attractiveness in other people, and to physically desire them.

Not that they had, but Ianto knew that if there came a time when he found someone sexually attractive, and provided Jack did too, which was not as much of a long shot as Ianto expected it might be, that there would be no limitations on exploring that. Sex could just be sex, without emotional attachment. Ianto felt secure in the knowledge that his relationship with Jack wouldn't be threatened by that. They were just two people who could love and find enjoyment in others as well. If anything, it would only solidify what they had, being able to partake in something together that gave them both as much pleasure and happiness. The more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself that such things might be explored sooner rather than later. He'd already wasted years worrying about what people thought was right or wrong instead of what made him happy.

It was incredibly liberating to know that his life was as open and full of possibilities as that. The only question he still had was why the hell it had taken him so long to understand that. He was Ianto Jones, comfortable for the first time in his life being in his own skin, knowing who he was and who he wasn't, what he was no longer afraid of, and how that opened up a world of opportunity for happiness that hadn't been there before. He was free to do whatever he liked without fear of what anyone else thought of it, so long as whatever he did never hurt anyone else in the process. It was frustrating that it had taken this many years to find himself, but now that he had, there was no more looking back with regret, only embracing love and joy at what lay ahead.