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Title: Be My Friend, Hold Me
Fandom: Angel (the series)
Characters/Pairings: Angel/Cordelia Chase
Rating: PG
Length: 432 words
Content notes: Set in early season 3, before 3.11 (Birthday). Centered on Cordelia's violent vision episodes. Somewhat subtexty since it's from Cordy's POV in early season 3 (and she was fairly oblivious on the show). Slight codependency.
Author notes: Written Challenge #183 Amnesty at fan_flashworks and using the "comfort" challenge. Also a fill for this prompt on comment_fic. The title is from lyrics in Sia's song "Breathe Me." I was also inspired by this Cordelia-centric video set to that song.
Summary: The friendship explanation is no longer as convincing as it used to be.

It's friendship, Cordelia tells herself. Angel almost always catches her when she falls during a vision episode because he's her friend and doesn't want to see her suffer even more because her head hit the hard tile floor. Angel is the only one who catches her because he's the only one with the vampire speed that allows him to practically fly across the room as soon as Cordy clutches her head.

That explanation has holes, however. For instance, why didn't he ever act like this when Doyle had a vision? He was Angel's friend, and his visions looked nearly as violent as Cordelia's do.

It also can't explain the way Angel touches her, how his fingers shake on her arms as if seeing her in so much pain frightens him. It doesn't explain why his grasp is tight on her arms when the vision passes through her mind but immediately turns gentle as soon as it is done. It doesn't explain why sometimes he will carefully wrap an arm around her or run his fingers through her hair, as if she is a fragile treasure. (She remembers the words, "Cordelia, do you have any idea just how precious you are?" and thinks that perhaps they meant more than she understood at the time.)

It doesn't explain how Cordelia reacts either. It doesn't explain why Cordelia feels this underlying sense of safety and trust whenever Angel touches her, why she sags back into his chest, why she lets down her walls sometimes enough to cry against Angel's shoulder (and more importantly, the fact that Angel lets her).

It can't explain a lot of what's been happening lately, like how Angel seems reluctant to let her go after a vision episode and has often had to be weakly shoved away by Cordy or pulled away by Wesley or Gunn. The guilt on his face when he must leave is somewhat understandable (this is Angel after all), but the heartbreak at being separated from her isn't remotely comprehensible. Angel momentarily seems to forget why the vision appeared, that it's his job to go out and kill the evil thing Cordy saw instead of staying there to comfort her. Cordy doesn't understand why she almost forgets it too and why  Angel's temporary absence feels like the loss of a vital organ.

It's not friendship, not anymore, but Cordy refuses to label it what it probably is (a love so intense, so all-encompassing that it frightens her a little just how much they need each other). For now, the poor explanation of "friendship" will have to do.