Title: Secret Santa
Fandom: Marvel Avengers
Rating: PG
Length: 690
Content notes: No
Author notes: For fan-flashworks for the prompt Gifts.
Summary: A SHIELD agent is very, very upset when the Avengers don’t take the rules of the Secret Santa exchange seriously. Crack. Mentioned pairings include: Steve/Bucky, Clint/Laura, Thor/Jane, Pepper/Tony.



MEMORANDUM

This memo is in response to the request to consider whether it might be better to discontinue the Secret Santa gift exchange for reasons of legality, safety, and psychological well-being. After careful evaluation, I am ready to summarize the findings and conclusion.

This year’s incidents were even more numerous than in previous years and included the following known issues as well as likely countless unknown ones:

1. Tony Stark bought his recipient a ski jet, despite the clear $15 limit. Allowing billionaires to break the rules of the exchange sets a problematic precedent. (FYI While Agent Barton was very happy with the present, Laura Barton was less than thrilled when he called home, told his family that he would build a lake in their backyard, and promised he would let his small children ride unaccompanied.)

2. Agent Romanov bought Pepper Potts a muzzle and implied it was to be used when Tony wouldn’t shut up. While Tony made several lewd comments that suggested that he would enjoy the present, such a gift is a human resources nightmare waiting to happen.

3. While homemade presents are acceptable and even encouraged, Agent Coulson’s gift to Captain Rogers, a highly realistic figurine of Steve Rogers with detailed musculature that Agent Coulson sculpted himself using the actual body scan on SHIELD’s files, accompanied by a scale model of Steve’s apartment with exact replicas of all of Steve’s personal effects, appeared to make Captain Rogers deeply uncomfortable.

4. Agent Romanov received an antique Russian tea set from a novice agent, who took several days off to procure the item out of sheer terror that he wouldn’t get the right gift. When she received it, she jokingly said, “Are you implying that I’m still playing for the other side?” and the novice agent fainted. Later, she explained that she liked the present very much, but it should be remembered that our more terrifying agents might be considered a very difficult draw for a Secret Santa exchange. Several agents, in fact, mentioned that they would much rather draw Dr. Banner than Agent Romanov, since they found the Hulk less frightening, and I had to explain that Dr. Banner claimed that my "pressuring" him to participate in the required, mandatory gift exchange was making him "tense," and thus he was the only person allowed to not participate. Needless to say, letting Dr. Banner simply opt out sets a terrible example and only serves to undermine the exchange, which, in my opinion, is another problem that would need to be addressed if this exchange were to continue.

5. Agent Shaw felt it was very inappropriate that he was obligated to buy a Secret Santa present for the assassin formerly known as the Winter Soldier, given that he has never stood trial for his crimes. Also, he complained that it was impossible to find a gift for someone who, by all appearances, does not enjoy owning stuff, as he has slept in SHIELD quarters for several months without ever acquiring anything beyond the basic necessities provided by the agency. Finally, out of frustration, Agent Shaw traded with Agent Barton, who got Mr. Barnes a T-shirt with the slogan “Snipers do it longer and harder.” In addition to this slogan being obviously unprofessional, I need not remind anyone that trading recipients is strictly forbidden by the rules of the Secret Santa exchange. Similarly, it is strictly forbidden to exchange gifts that one has received, and yet later Captain Rogers was seen outside Barnes’ quarters wearing nothing except this very T-shirt and boxer shorts, and I can think of no possible explanation other than that they broke the rules and swapped gifts.

6. The entire exchange was almost ruined when Agents Barton and Romanov covered the gift table with a tarp and convinced Thor to leave his hammer on top. It took several hours to locate Thor so that he could pick the hammer back up and allow us to access the presents. When he was found, he was with Dr. Foster, and no, you do not want details.

Given these events, I would normally recommend that those who do not follow the rules should not be allowed to participate in future Secret Santa exchanges, or even suggest that the exchange be discontinued. Since it is clear, however, that this would be exactly what the Avengers want me to do, and that this was their plan all along, I recommend that next year’s exchange continue with the same rules but with the added requirement that all participants will wear to the holiday party either Santa hats, reindeer antler headbands, or non-religion-associated headgear as appropriate. That will show them.

Sincerely,
Agent Blake

P.S. Yes, I know that Thor’s regular headgear is more ridiculous than a reindeer headband. Yes, I know that Thor would probably really enjoy the antlers, and that Stark wears a Santa hat anyway. But there has to be some sort of penalty – perhaps they can be made to wear itchy holiday sweaters? This is very important to me!