Title: Breaching the Wall
Fandom: Mass Effect
Rating: PG
Length: 655
Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/male Shepard
Content notes: Takes place 4 months after the end of the Reaper War (Mass Effect 3, destroy ending). Spoilers for ME3 final battle scenes..
Author notes: This takes place at their London flat, approximately five months after the end of the Reaper War. Shepard is recovering from massive injuries sustained in the last battle and has been slowly regaining memories of what happened then. It is Kaidan's voice.
Summary: Reliving the nightmare, in dreams

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"Kaidan... oh god, Kaidan. I'm... you're... we're alive?"

The man in my arms is still shaking, having wakened in a cold sweat moments ago. He was trying to scream but only a whimper of a sound was coming out. With his eyes wide open but unseeing, I'd gathered him close, resting his head against my chest, stroking the close-cropped hair slowly, murmuring soft words.

"You're alive, john. We're both alive. The war is over. You found a way to win... You're not alone... never need to be alone again."

He's always had nightmares, as long as I've known him. Even back on the old Normandy SR-1, sometimes I'd deliberately work through the night on the console just outside his cabin, always alert for the sounds of pain and distress that meant he was having another of them. I was never sure how to react – should I let him ride it out? Should I call for Dr. Chakwas? Should I try to help?

I never called for help - knowing how important his pride and his privacy were to him. Sometimes I'd just listen, waiting for the sounds to subside... back into sleep, I'd hoped. On rare occasions, I'd slip into his cabin unseen and crouch by the side of his bed or even, one time, sitting on the edge of it. I would touch his arm or his shoulder, murmur quiet reassurances just as I'm doing tonight. Eventually he would calm, maybe meet my eyes in some kind of silent plea, and I would whisper goodnight and slip back out again.

We never spoke of it, but the second time I had to do it, I didn't have to hack the lock on the door. He'd left it unlocked.

Tonight it's taking a long time for his breathing to calm into anything near normal. I worry about him - this wasn't one of his usual nightmares. This was something more.

"John... can you tell me where you were? I want to help."

His voice is cracked and raw, as if he'd been screaming, though I hadn't heard it this time. I reach for the water bottle on the nightstand and let him sip from it, now that I'm pretty sure he won't choke when he swallows.

Finally he nods, seeking my hand and gripping it tightly, his cheek once again pressed against my chest. "The wall. Was at the wall... "

I'm not sure what he means by 'the wall' – whether it's a physical place or more like the wall you hit when you've spent your last trace of energy and can't go a step further. But I just hold him, waiting.

"At the end... Citadel... waiting for the end." He's trembling again. "Anderson... died. Then nothing. All alone. Crucible didn't work. Came all this far to fail..."

I try to calm him, but he's caught up it again. Reliving. Re-dying maybe. But he pushes on with words now as he must have pushed on physically then. Somehow.

"Hackett... needed something more from me. Had to crawl... useless fucking leg. Couldn't even hardly crawl, dragging the leg... hand mangled. So tired. Kaidan... dead tired."

I press my lips against his hair, tightening my arm around him. "But you did... you did it."

His next words sound dragged from a heart that wouldn't quit.

"Had to. Saw faces. Anderson... you, Kaidan... had to... you needed me."

He falls silent, and there's no way I'm going to ask him to relive any more of it. Ever.

"John. You found a way, got past that wall. However you did it, it's over now."

I can feel him suddenly relaxing against me, not fighting any more. Maybe no more need to fight. I don't know.

"Someone to live for... "

There's only one thing I can say. "Someone to love... always."

His eyes close and his breathing settles into dreamless sleep. Maybe the worst is past, the wall breached.

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