“You puny humans cannot prevail against our superior might,” the commander of the alien invasion force insisted. “You must yield before us or be destroyed.”

“Yeah, I don’t like either of those choices,” Jack said calmly.

“Which is odd, considering how often they’re the only choices we’re given,” Ianto added, standing to Jack’s right.

“That’s alien invaders for you though, isn’t it?” Owen was standing to Jack’s left, with Gwen. “No imagination.”

“Mm,” Ianto agreed vaguely. He turned to his best friend. “Tosh, how many times have we been in a similar situation to this one in the last… oh, let’s say the last year.”

“Just a moment and I’ll check.” Tosh consulted her PDA. “Nine. Or ten, if you count the Ziffnak, but he was by himself, so he probably doesn’t qualify. It’s ten if we include this lot though.”

“And how many of those did we yield to, so they wouldn’t destroy us?” Jack asked.

“None.” Tosh didn’t need to consult her PDA for that answer.

“And yet, here we stand, all of us still in one piece, definitely NOT destroyed,” Jack concluded. “Seems to me, there’s a third choice, one we’re never offered by the people who show up with plans to invade earth. The invaders yield to us.” Jack looked at the invasion force, a small one numbering fewer than fifty alien warriors, although to be fair, they were armed to their teeth, which looked formidable in their own right, even if other parts didn’t. “What d’you say, are you prepared to yield to us?”

That drew a shrill keening from the leader of the invasion force, a sound that, judging by the expression on what passed for his face, was apparently their version of laughter.

“You jest! What could we possibly have to fear from such primitives as you?”

“We may appear primitive by your standards,” Ianto commented mildly. “But we have a saying here on earth: Appearances can be deceptive.”

“You see,” Jack continued, “we know who you are, not just your race but your tribe. Your approach was detected when you entered our solar system, and we did some research. Always a good idea to know who we’re going up against. Knowing your opponents’ strengths and weaknesses is the basis of a winning strategy. We know everything about you, and you know nothing about us. That gives us the advantage every time.”

“I see no advantage!” the commander blustered. “We outnumber you ten to one! Our weapons are superior to anything you have available! You cannot hope to defeat us! We shall be victorious, and then you will grovel at our feet, begging our forgiveness, pledging your allegiance to the mighty Lord Neffra of Killifrink, fourth lord of the Amphrik Nations!”

“See, that’s not happening.” Jack locked eyes with Lord Neffra, which impressed Ianto since Jack only had two eyes and Neffra had ten. “However, if you yield to us, agree to leave earth and never return, we’ll let you live.”

Again came the alien laughter.

“Foolish earthling! Can you not see that you are already defeated?”

Jack looked around at his team. “Any of you feeling defeated?”

“Not so you’d notice,” Owen said.

“I’m bored,” Tosh put in. “Does that count?”

“We’re all bored, Tosh,” Ianto told his friend. “And hungry. It’s almost lunchtime and I had to skip breakfast this morning thanks to this would-be invasion. Why do invaders always have to show up so early in the morning?”

“Probably trying to catch us sleeping,” Owen suggested.

“Well, it’s inconvenient.”

“Why are you not cowering in fear?” Lord Neffra demanded.

“Because you’re about as threatening as a bevy of ducklings,” Jack said.

“Which you do NOT resemble in the slightest,” Ianto added.

“Ianto!”

“What? It’s true! They look more like a bunch of cacti or succulents, with eyes on stalks.”

Owen nodded. “He’s right, Jack. Definitely more plant than bird.”

“The teeth are a nice touch, but other than that, can’t say I feel threatened.” Ianto managed to almost sound disappointed. “We used to get a better class of aliens.”

“Why does everyone always have to split hairs? Look, we’re not afraid because we deal with aliens every day, and as aliens go, you’re nowhere near as impressive as you think you are.”

“I have destroyed whole planets in response to lesser insults!” Neffra snarled.

Jack glanced at Ianto. “Touchy, isn’t he?”

“I was about to say the same thing.”

Turning back to Lord Neffra, Jack folded his arms over his chest. “Look, this is getting us nowhere. Are you going to yield to us, go back where you belong, and never bother us again?”

“I am not! You will yield to me! If you grovel sufficiently, I may spare your puny lives.”

“Not happening, sorry. Okay, team, we gave then a fair chance, now let’s end this. Hit ‘em!”

Moving as one, all five reached for the nozzles leading from cannisters strapped to their backs, and opened fire, spraying fire-retardant foam over the invaders, whose bodies immediately began to melt. They screamed and flailed, some tried to escape, but it did them no good. In moments, all that was left of the invasion force were their weapons and technology, and a puddle of greyish green goo.

“Should’ve yielded to the might of Torchwood,” Jack said. “Pick all the tech out and set it to one side.”

Ianto sighed. “I’ll get the shovels and buckets. Alien invasions always make such a mess. We should consider banning them.”

“Where would the fun be in that? Besides, look at all the new toys we’ve got to play with.”

“Their landing craft too!” Tosh looked like she was itching to get her hands on that.

“I’d better contact the mother ship,” Jack said. “Let them know their leader won’t be rejoining them, and they should probably give up and go home.”

Ianto raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Think they’ll listen?”

“I suppose we’ll find out. Good thing we have plenty more of that foam, just in case we should need it.”

“Yep,” Ianto agreed. “The boy scouts have nothing on us.”


The End