Title: The Mystery of Coulson's Ring
Fandom: Avengers/Captain America
Rating: PG
Length: 1441
Content notes: Vague references to bad childhoods
Author notes: for the Puzzles challenge at fan-flashworks.
Summary: Steve, Tony, Bruce, Bucky, Natasha, Clint, and Thor are de-aged, and they decide to figure out who Coulson is married to. Fluff.


“Okay, fellas,” Steve said as the group hovered around him, “Our mission is to find out who Mr. Coulson is married to!”

“Why is it a secret?” Bruce asked.

“Because Mr. Coulson won’t tell us,” Tony answered.

“How do you know he’s married?” Clint asked.

“He wears a ring on his ring finger on his left hand. That means married,” Steve said.

“Maybe he just wears the ring because it looks pretty,” Clint said.

“No, it means married,” Tony said insistently.

“So here’s the plan. Clint, you distract Mr. Coulson by doing something that totally scares him. Like that time you jumped on his shoulders from on top of the refrigerator,” Steve said.

“Awesome, I can totally do that,” Clint said with a proud smile.

Steve continued, “Natasha, will you steal Mr. Coulson’s phone while he’s taking care of Clint?”

“Totally easy,” she said with confidence.

“Then Bruce, if Mr. Coulson tries to run after Natasha, you stop him by pretending to cry.”

“I don’t cry,” Bruce said, frowning at the suggestion.

“Then ask him a hard question,” Steve said, “So he can’t chase Natasha and get his phone back.”

“He won’t get his phone back no matter what!” Natasha said vehemently.

Steve looked at her, then said, worried, “Well, it’s not the end of the world if we fail, don’t do anything crazy.”

Natasha just folded her arms and glared.

Clint piped up, “But Mr. Coulson knows lots of things, how can Bruce ask something he doesn’t know?”

“Mr. Coulson got very sad when we asked about our parents. Bruce, tell him you keep having dreams about your mommy and daddy and ask him why,” Natasha suggested.

“Good idea!” Bruce said.

“Good,” Steve said, “Then Natasha can bring the phone to Tony. Tony, do you think you can hack the passcode so we can see his calls?”

“I could hack a quadrillion passcodes!” Tony bragged. Then, at the silence, he added, “That means a billion billions.”

“Obviously,” Bruce said.

“That’s a lot,” Clint said, sounding impressed. The others didn’t seem to care.

“And then Thor will guard Tony while he is working on the phone,” Steve said.

“I will punch anyone who comes near him!” Thor promised.

“Awesome,” Tony said, pleased with the idea.

“And I will make sure nobody gets in trouble and distract any adults who come near,” Steve said.

“And I’ll stay with Steve so we can work together,” Bucky added.

“Yeah, Bucky has to stay next to me so we can work together,” Steve agreed. “And Bucky will make the phone calls because he does a good impression of grown up voices.”

“What the hell is this, I’m not a baby-sitter,” Bucky said, doing a fairly good impression of Agent Blake, making the other children giggle.

“You said a swear word,” Bruce said.

“Hell is not that bad, fucking shit is way worse,” Tony said.

“And Bucky will call the phone numbers that Mr. Coulson calls most and ask them who he’s married to,” Steve said.

“No, they could just lie, you should say Mr. Coulson wants a divorce,” Natasha said, “And they will start to cry if it is Mr. Coulson’s husband or wife, and then we will know for sure.”

“You’re smart!” Clint said admiringly.

“I think that might be too mean,” Steve said, little forehead wrinkling.

“We should call the people he has at the top of the phone list and say that Mr. Coulson needs help,” Bucky suggested, “And see who shows up and then narrow it down.”

“But call him Phil or Agent Coulson so we sound like an adult,” Natasha suggested.

“Good. Sounds like we’re ready to go!” Steve said. “Go get ‘em, fellas!”

--

“Just push one on speed dial,” Bruce insisted as they gathered around the phone.

“It says ‘N’ is number one,” Steve said.

“Who’s N?” Clint said.

“Call and find out!” Tony said.

“Shhh!!! I’m calling!” Bucky said. He pressed one and waited.

“Phil?” a man’s voice said on the other end of the line.

Bucky lowered his voice and growled. “Phil needs help!”

“Who is this?” the man yelled.

“Uhh…” Bucky said, “Are you married to Phil?” He seemed to be going off script.

“You’re fucking right I’m married to Phil, now who the fuck are you? Why do you have his phone?”

The kids looked at each other, recognizing who they were talking to. Bucky dropped the phone and they all ran into the other room.

“Mr. Coulson is married to Mr. Fury!” Tony said, excited that they had found their answer.

“But Mr. Fury is scary!” Bruce said.

“I don’t think so, I like him,” Natasha said.

“You only like him because you’re his favorite,” Tony said.

“So?” she replied.

“You’re his favorite?” Clint asked her, seeming a little sad.

“Don’t worry, I think you’re his second favorite,” she answered, which seemed to cheer Clint up considerably.

“Kids!” yelled a voice from the doorway, making all of them jump. “Did you just steal my phone, call Director Fury, and tell him I was in danger?” Coulson stood there with his hands on his hips.

“You’re married!” Clint said, pointing at him, as if it were an accusation.

“Mr. Coulson and Mr. Fury, sitting in a tree,” Tony sang, and the others joined him to finish, “K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!”

“Why was it a secret?” Natasha demanded of Coulson.

“It wasn’t a secret, it--” Coulson stopped and sighed. “Nick didn’t want you to know because nobody at SHIELD knows, and he was worried that it would too hard for you kids to keep it to yourself.”

“We’re very good at keeping secrets!” Natasha objected, and the others nodded.

“It’s not a secret – it’s just that Nick is the Director, and it makes it awkward to tell people at work,” Coulson tried to explain.

“That sounds like a secret,” Clint said.

“Well, I’m sorry. Now you know. Does everyone feel better now that you’ve dug into my personal life?” Coulson said.

The kids all nodded.

“Great,” Coulson said, rolling his eyes, “Now the next time you want to know something, just tell me it’s important to you. Don’t send Clint to pretend his head got stuck in his underwear.”

“That’s what you did to distract him?” Tony asked with glee.

“Yep!” Clint said proudly. “And it wasn’t pretending, Natasha helped me really get stuck!”

“It was not easy,” Natasha said.

“I bet,” Coulson sighed. “Now, I was going to take you all out to ice cream, but I don’t know if you deserve after stealing my phone.”

The kids all gasped.

“Mr. Coulson, this is all my fault. The others should still get ice cream,” Steve said, stepping forward. “You can send me to my room.”

“If you send Steve to his room, I’m going to punch you in the nads!” Bucky said to Coulson then, before Steve pulled him back, whispering, “Knock it off, Bucky!”

“As I was saying,” Coulson said, in a weary voice, “I don’t know if you deserve ice cream, so why don’t you all show your good behavior by making your beds and picking up the toys off the floor, and then we’ll all go.”

“I want two scoops!” Thor said. “No, three!”

“I want strawberry!” Clint said. “With a cherry on top! And sprinkles! And hot fudge! And gummy bears!”

“Fine, go make your beds,” Coulson said.

“My bed is already made,” Tony said.

“No, it’s not,” Coulson answered.

“Be that way!” Tony yelled, then stomped off to make his bed. The others went too.

Coulson sighed, then picked up the phone he had found in the other room. He pressed one on speed dial.

“Everything’s fine, Nick. The kids are just… nosy.”

“Avengers butting into everyone’s business. I’m shocked to hear that,” Fury said.

“Well, hopefully they’ll be back to normal soon and you can respond to their inquiries in your normal fashion,” Coulson said, smirking.

“Forget waiting, I’ll tell a kid to go fuck himself,” Fury said.

“No you wouldn’t,” Coulson said with a smile. “And I was thinking, we could bring them to our place for the weekend. I think they’d like that.”

“You’re killing me, here, Phil.”

“See you soon. I’ll bring home takeout for dinner.”

Nick sighed. “Great. I’m going to go hide the weapons and child proof this house. Which is totally a good use of my time.”

“Thank you, honey,” Coulson said cheerfully and hung up. He loved his husband. But his husband was also his boss. And it was only right that his boss understood exactly what he had been going through as the de-aged Avengers’ handler.

“Okay, kids, who’s ready for ice cream?”