Working Title: In This World (of Hurt and Reality)
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Dawson's Creek
Character/Pairing: Pacey/Andie
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge: #87: Amnesty: #85: Monsters
Warning(s): Dark
Word Count: 820
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.



Some days, I just want this life to be over.
Some days, it's worse than it ever was before.
I can't stand it.
I can't stand the sorrow, the heartache;
I can't stand being without him.

I can't stand knowing what he thinks of me now.
I can't stand seeing the way he looks at me,
Seeing the way they all look at me,
Like I'm some kind of monster.

And perhaps, I am.
I see things they don't.
I understand things they never will.
I wish I didn't. I've tried everything to stop it,
But I still do.

I still see my brother.
I still hear my mother's cries
Even when she's not here.
I still hear Pacey's heart breaking again
In his voice every time
He talks to me.

He tries to hide it,
And he does hide it well every time he kisses her,
But I know the one kissing her
Isn't the same one I left,
The same one I hurt.

Sometimes I think it may be.
Sometimes I think he really does love her,
But then I feel him watching me
And I turn around only
To see him look away again and again.

I've hurt him so badly.
I remember, when he first tried to love me,
I was so scared to love.
I never should have.

I never should have trusted him.
I never should have trusted me.
I should have known what I know again now
And stuck to those truths --
With love only comes heartache and more pain.

The world is full of pain.
I never knew just how much
Until I left him and went to that
Awful place that changed everything.

There were so many people there,
So many people like me,
So many still living with the dead hanging on them,
So many crazies who can
See and hear what other people,
"Normal" people can't.

I remember talking to one in particular one day.
I don't remember her name.
Was it Helen? Amy? Annie? Parker?
I don't know, but I remember her words.
They're the crazy ones, she told me.
They're the ones who can't see
What's right in front of them.

Maybe it's true.
Maybe we are the sane,
But it doesn't make the pain
Hurt any less.

Nothing does.
I've tried it all.
I've tried pretending I don't love him.
I've tried telling myself it was all a dream.

I've tried cutting, hitting, slicing, berating,
But I won't touch the drugs -- not ever again.
They made me into a person
I never was.
They made me hurt him.

But he doesn't understand.
He thinks it was me.
He thinks I chose to find comfort
In the arms of a stranger.
He thinks I could want another man
Like he now wants his best friend's girl.

But I never will. I've tried.
I can't. No one else is
Like my Pacey.
No one else is as sweet,
As daring, or as funny.
No one else is as bold
Or comforting.

No one chases the monsters
Like he did for me.
There are no shining Knights
Left any more in this world of hurt and reality,
But for a time,
For a time far, far too short,
He was mine.

He loved me,
Or so I thought.
I know I loved him.
I still do.
I will until
The day I die.
How I wish that day
Was today!

But sometimes, I fear
It will never come,
The pain will never stop,
The shouts in my head
From loved ones long gone away
And from him,
When I broke his heart,
Will never stop.

I need to get away.
I need something beyond this.
He taught me to fight
To silence the calls,
To stop the cries.

He taught me to believe
In something better,
So I pack my bags for Paris.
I pack for the City of Love,
Knowing all the while
That my love will never end,
But his for me is over
And as dead as
The brother standing behind me,
Waiting for me to join him.

I feel the touch of his hand
On my shoulder.
It's so cold, so completely opposite
Of how warm and loving
Pacey's arms always felt.

They were my shelter.
I'll never feel them again.
I turn and look
Into my brother's dead eyes,
Tears filling my own.

"Take me with you,"
I beg him.
"Make it stop.
Please, make it stop."

He looks so sad.
We both know he can't.
And as he tries to hug me,
His arms go right through me.

Pacey will never be with me again,
But I'll have my brother forever
And the memories of this love
That I thought would save me
But truly will doom me.

I turn my bags.
I fold the letter I've written
And tuck it inside.
I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow.
But I'll never get there.

The End