Title: Phrenologist's Report
Fandom: The Losers
Rating: PG
Length: 675
Content notes: Contains bad 19th Century Science.
Author notes: For fan-flashworks.
Summary: Victorian AU. A group of scoundrels in prison are examined to see if their skulls show criminal tendencies.



When I heard that the infamous, world-renowned criminals had been apprehended, I immediately asked the gaoler for permission to examine their skulls. As a man of medicine, I felt it was my duty to use this opportunity to test the latest theories on the manifestations of immoral and criminal character in the shape of the skull. The gaoler kept me waiting quite a while to deal with a mysterious fire on the other side of the building, and I had ample time to observe the behaviors of these vicious rogues, who are sometimes, among unseemly crowds, aptly nicknamed “The Wretches.”

Eventually, the gaoler authorized my examination, and the guard brought each man out in turn. For safety, the gaoler kept each man in chains for the duration of the examination, but despite the unusual circumstances, I was still able to inspect each man’s skull for telling protrusions or depressions.

The leader, a Mr. Franklin, had a large bump behind his ear, a clear sign of criminal tendencies and murderous inclinations. In addition, he has protrusions for vanity or glory-seeking, as well as for pride, but also positive qualities such as perseverance and loyalty. There was almost certainly a protrusion in the lower left at the location indicating a lack of self-control in matters of the sexual organs, and so the man is likely to engage in ill-conceived relationships with women of unknown character, and his skull clearly indicates that he has no aptitude for being educated. After the examination, he gave me a disturbing smile and said, “Like what you feel?” It was a most unpleasant encounter.

I then examined Mr. Porteous. He, too, has strong tendencies for criminality, and if anything, his pride and haughtiness protrusion is even greater than Mr. Franklin’s. This scientific observation was confirmed by his habit of referring to himself as if in one of those ridiculous novels that glamorize cutthroats. He has an aptitude for deception and stealing, but his skull also suggests that he possesses both cleverness and courage. It is a shame that he has chosen to waste his talents with such a worthless gang of renowned yet terrifyingly dangerous criminals.

I examined Mr. Alvarez next. It was a difficult examination, since a good many minutes were wasted as the guards attempted to remove the man’s large, slightly foppish black velvet hat. On examination of his skull, it was clear that the man is highly dangerous, as his protrusions for murderous behavior, physical acumen, and mental concentration were all extremely large. The guards then confirmed that the man is well known for his lethality with both the sword and dagger. Additionally, the man’s skull shows tendencies for solitude, long periods of silence, and making hurtful remarks to others. All in all, a horrible man who should never be allowed in the company of decent society.

The gaoler then insisted that I come with him to another section of the building to examine another specimen, but before I could complete another exam, the guards began to yell throughout the building. Apparently, there was an escape in progress. The gaoler asked me to leave then, for my own safety.

I later learned that it was those very scoundrels I had examined who had broken out. It is a complete mystery how they were able to do so, but I certainly hope the good and sagacious officers who brought them here will find them again shortly. Their brains are designed for ill things, and if they are not hanged soon, then their great misdeeds shall surely become legendary, and will cause our fine leaders great consternation, like a fervent and painful itch in the generative organs.

And if they are not hanged, then a good many of them certainly belong in an institution for the entirely depraved.

In all, the examinations I conducted confirmed the medical value of phrenology in predicting character and behavior. I have no doubt that my diagnoses will prove accurate as these “Wretches” continue their famed and awe-inspiring acts of criminality.

With regards,
Doctor Jacob Jensen, Man of Science