Title: If Hell Existed
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Rating: Gen
Content notes: One-sided Mark Sloan/Derek Shepherd
Artist notes: My first ever Grey's Anatomy fanfic!
Summary: It's rough when one falls in love with their best friend.



If hell existed, it had to be right here. Or that’s at least what Mark Sloan thought after a very gruesome day. Not only was he exhausted, he was also pissed as hell.

Mark was pissed to the drunken teenagers driving around in daddy’s car and hitting a five-year-old girl whose face he had to fix. To the interns for not following his rules. To the world for being lonely and miserable. And most of all, he was pissed to himself, for falling in love with his best friend and not even noticing it before it was too late.

* * *

If Mark were asked what thing he would change from his past, he had only one answer. It wouldn’t be sleeping with Addison and betraying his best friend. It wouldn’t be sleeping with Callie and making her feel as miserable as he was. No, there was only one thing Mark would like to change from his past. That would be meeting one Derek Shepherd.

If he hadn’t met Derek, he wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. If he hadn’t fallen in love with him, he wouldn’t feel so lonely and miserable all the time. If he wouldn’t feel so lonely and miserable all the time, he wouldn’t have hurt the people that cared for him. But as things were as they were, Mark had met Derek one faithful night and things had never been the same for him.

Mark had tried to fight it, he really had. But there’s only so much one can do while trying to resist the charm of one Derek Shepherd. And truth to be told, it’s was not like Mark had actually tried. It was more like he had tried to make himself believe he was really, really trying to resist Derek’s charm. But as usual, he had failed.

Mark sighed as he stripped away from his sweaty clothes, and tried to think of anything but Derek. The last thing he needed at the moment were images of Derek swimming around his head, when all he wanted was to crash on his bed and sleep like there was no tomorrow. But first he needed a shower, and badly, considering the smell that was reeking from him after 72 hours of work.

While he was standing under the warm spray, all Mark could think of was the way Derek had looked at him during their latest conversation. Those expressive blue eyes had been so full of bittersweet emotions directed to his very core: and still, even though their eyes had met only briefly, that one moment was all it took to make Mark yearn for Derek’s touch.

Mark closed his eyes and imagined Derek standing in the shower with him, only inches apart. Slowly, Mark circled his left nipple and pinched it tentatively and tried to imagine how it would feel like to have Derek’s hand there instead of his own. Those delicate but strong hands of a fellow surgeon would find all the places that made Mark tick, and would treat him like a precious flower. Mark groaned and wrapped his hand around his throbbing erection and started stroking slowly. It wasn’t nearly good enough, not even close, so Mark reached for the shower gel and poured a hefty dose to his hand and fingers. Closing his eyes again, Mark continued stroking leisurely whilst pushing his fingers deeper and deeper inside him until he hit his prostate. It took only couple more strokes, and then Mark was coming, hard – all the while imagining it was Derek instead of his own fingers.

After climaxing all Mark could do was to slide down on the shower floor and sit under the spray until the water cooled down. And even then his mind was filled with images of Derek, despite all his vows of not to think about the man. Mark sighed, and finally got up from the shower floor and turned off the spray. Maybe it was time he tried to sleep, although Mark knew his dreams would consist of images of Derek, no matter what he tried.

* * *

“You’re the reason I came to Seattle in the first place.”

“Oh really? And why is that?”

“Because I love you.”

Derek stared at him for a moment clearly dumbfounded. Mark bit his tongue for preventing himself saying anything as equally stupid, when Derek took a step closer and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Care to explain what you mean by that?”

Mark stared at Derek not believing his ears. Was his best friend really so blind?

“What I meant by explaining, is that do you love me as a brother, or as something else?”

Mark swallowed, lost in words. This was his chance to change the things between them, something he had hoped for years. He just wasn’t sure anymore if he had the guts to do it.

“Earth to Mark, are you going to answer my question this century?”

Mark took a deep breath and prepared for the worst. After all, he was the one that brought all this upon him.

“I love you like my life depended on it. Not a minute goes by without me thinking about you. I woke up at middle of night, reaching you from my side until I realize you’re not there, and have never been. It breaks my heart not have you there when I woke up, and I need you touch me, to be able to touch you and mark you mine. I want…”

Derek closed the distance between them and captured Mark’s mouth into a kiss. It was careful at first, as if Derek was afraid to break him, but when Mark moaned to Derek’s mouth he deepened the kiss. Soon they had to pull apart for much needed oxygen, and that’s when Mark finally dared looking Derek straight into his eyes. What he saw was enough to make his heart jump into his throat.

What he saw in Derek’s eyes was love. Not love for a brother, but love for someone special. It was all too much for Mark, and before he even noticed it, he was clutching to Derek like a child to his mother and weeping against his shoulder. And Derek was there, soothing his back and whispering sweet nothings to his ear. Finally his tears subsided, and Mark lifted his head to see Derek’s face. Derek smiled at him and gently stroked his tear-covered cheek with his thumb.

“It will be alright from now on. I’m not going to leave you again because I love you too, you know. I just thought that with all the women you had I had no chance with you.”

“I was with them only because I thought what I felt for you was just a phase, and they would help me get over you.”

“Did they?”

“Did they what?”

“Help you get over me?”

“Not even close. You’re way too deep under my skin for that to happen.”

“And Addison..?”

“Was a stupid mistake. I sort of thought that since she was the closest person to you in your life, sleeping with her would me feel like it was you I was with. But it failed miserably.”

“Understatement of the year.”

All Mark could do was to grin sheepishly to Derek and their bantering. He had missed it, among all the other things about Derek, and now that he finally had what he had yearned for God knew how long, he wasn’t going to let go of it so easily. Mark closed the little distance they had and captured Derek’s mouth to a searing kiss.

* * *

Mark woke up with a start, and a moment later cursed his bad luck. So much for having a good night’s sleep. Mark shook his head trying to figure out when was the last time he woke up so hard it almost hurt. Couple of strokes, and then he was coming again, screaming Derek’s name. With a sigh Mark got up and made his way to the bathroom and grabbed a towel to clean himself up. Not that it would make him feel any better about himself, it more of a habit than anything else.
‘You can’t just stop thinking about him, can you?’ his internal voice kept telling him. Mark didn’t want to admit it, mostly because his internal voice was right this time. No matter with whom he slept with, Derek was always the one he was thinking. Even when he was with Addison, how pathetic was that?

Knowing he wouldn’t get any more sleep tonight even though he needed it badly, Mark decided to take a tour at the local bars. Maybe if he drank enough and had someone to fuck his brains out it might make him forget Derek for a while.

* * *

Staring at his empty glass, Mark sighed and wondered for the fifth time in the past hour why he had done this. The bar might have been crowded with young and good-looking men, but they did nothing to raise his interest. Hell, all he could think of was Derek, through and through.

“You want to dance?”

Mark was about to turn the offer down, when his eyes caught a glimpse of the young man nervously waiting for his answer. Young, lean, blue eyes, brown and slightly curly hair. Maybe this was exactly what he needed.