Title: Pathetic
Fandom: Clover no Kuni no Alice
Rating: G
Length: 710 words
Content notes: no
Summary: Alice and Gray muse about themselves, and their relationship with each other.


Alice wondered how and when she became so pathetic.
This didn't always go on like this. To others, she could always put on a pretense of maturity and toughness. It was she who chose to live in this world ruled by incomprehensible rules, and she had to be strong for herself.
Then the clockwork tower disappeared, along with the people he treasured. Julius... even now she would feel painful recalling his name. But it was the responsibility of her who wanted to stay, and she could blame no one.
But Gray... he brought out the most embarrassing, most childish, most ugly side of her.
He was just normal, in a world that weirdness was the norm. Gentle, caring, mature, reliable, not the adjectives that she could associate with the role holders in this world. That made her... thrash all her fear, worry and anger at him, knowing that he would only gently smile at her anyway. Although she would feel frustrated at herself then, she just couldn't stop. All because he was a good man.
Then she became more greedy, chasing him with her eyes, wanting to have a place in his heart, hoping that she could earn his smile, worthy enough to be of care.
Then she fell in love with him. She fought about it, but watching the care in his eyes, even knowing it was completely hopeless, she failed to resist him. It was natural for all people to show their better sides to people they pined for, right? But she just couldn't. She was so pathetic that she could only show her ugly side to him.

Why did you stay by me? Alice wanted to ask, but she was too afraid to know the answer. She just wanted to cling to him, to treasure his every touch, to create memory for the moment of separation about to come.

She was pathetic, right?

---

Gray wanted to think his younger days had passed, that he could manage to control himself more, be a better and reliable person, but he knew it wasn't true. The younger useless him was always there, lurking in his heart. He wasn't a good person.

Case in point: Alice.

When they first met, he could see that Alice was in fear and grief, because everything she loved suddenly disappeared, leaving her alone. But she still tried to put on a mask of normalcy. It made him want to comfort her, to lend a shoulder to her, but he wasn't good at saying right words at right time, so he could only stayed by her side, quieting watching her. That she grew more comfortable with him and showing more of her emotion only made him happy. He admired her for being able to come out of the shadow by herself.

She was a great girl. That made him ugly, compared to her, because even though he didn't deserve her, he still wanted her to rely on him more, to smile because of him more, to love him.

Even if he knew that it was impossible.

He readily accepted to become her lover in a game. He knew that she was just too young and curious, but he still jumped to it when she was vulnerable. It was a chance that he couldn't pass. He ignored the whisper in his heart, saying that may be she would get to love him. He was too old to delude himself.

It was wonderful but sad. To have her by his side, to leave his mark on her, to do things in the name of the game, while knowing that the moment of separation would come at any time, that he was just a temporary relief to her. But he would take the price of being a replacement. It was sweet yet painful, but it was the rightful price to reach for the bright star in the sky.

Why did you still stay by me? Gray wondered when he had Alice in his arms. But it was a taboo. He wasn't ready to know the answer. He could only hang on to her, wishing that she could remember him, to not to regard him as a blemish in her life.

Perhaps he was wishing for the impossible, but he couldn't give up on Alice. Pathetic, right?