Title: As I Lay Dying
Author: sxysadie21
Fandom: Queer as Folk (US)
Word Count: 485
Rating: G
A/N: Not beta-d. Just posting by the seat of my pants today! (again)
Warning: Alludes to death of main character



There are so many things I want to say, need to say. I just can’t find the words.

His warm, caring, brown eyes look down at me and I can see how scared he is.

I want so desperately to tell him that I have and always will love him. I want to remind him of the good times, tell him how he made my world a better place. He makes the world a better place. His innocence, his charm, his love for life. It all makes this crazy place a little better.

I feel him grab my hand and muster what energy I can to smile in his direction. I know he’s praying for a miracle, he’s hoping that suddenly everything will turn around. I wish I could tell him not to be scared, to not feel alone. I don’t.

I wish I could take his place. Not because I am afraid of dying. I’m not. I’m ready to go whenever I have to. But I can’t fathom leaving him with the pain and loneliness I know he will carry with him. My heart aches at the idea of him walking Hunter down the aisle alone, and having to make him attend Jenny Rebecca’s high school graduation without me. I want him to know I will always be with him.

There is no end to how I feel for you, Michael.

They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you are preparing to die. All I can see, though, is my favorite picture. Michael has his arm around Hunter, who is holding Jenny Rebecca in his arms. This picture, this frozen moment in time, sums up everything I cherish, everything that has kept me going, everything that I am thankful for every day.

I can feel him squeezing my hand. Years with Michael at my side have taught me to read his emotions and his feelings with something as simple as a touch. I can feel his love and his fear all at once, and it makes my breath catch in my throat. He is, simply put, the most beautiful human being I have ever had to pleasure of meeting along my life journey.

I’m unsure what I did right to deserve his love and devotion. But I plan to take that with me. Wherever it is that I am headed.

I wish I had the strength, at this point, to shout from the rooftops how much I love him. Or to even simply tell him what he has
meant to me. How lucky he makes me feel. How he changed my life. For now, however, I will have to settle on a light squeeze back to his hand. And as I close my eyes I can only hope he can feel everything I want to say, as easily as I feel the love that radiates from his hand in mine always.