Title: Rules of Survival
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Rating: G
Notes: I thought to myself, what would Sheldon Cooper do?
Summary: How To Survive Breakfast With Your Mother.



Blog Entry 22734 - Subject : Breakfast



Dear Readers,

It has recently come to my attention through the unwittingly small minds of Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz (MA, not PhD), that following the blog entry titled "Blog Entry 22722 - Subject : Spock, Kill Me Now", it would be beneficial for me to provide a set of rules that could be used to reduce the possibility of suicides that can be due, for the most part, by being forced to have breakfast with one's mother after being forced to attend the false worship of a non-existent God, while a man in robes spoke inconsistently of what we know of science. (And before you ask, no, I don't believe they were being sarcastic when they made this suggestion as I have become quite a proficient sarcastic master myself, and I could detect sarcasm through all the common denominators effectively).

As I survived the gross lies of sitting in a church for one unholy hour and had my hands shackled by mother's scarf to stop me from raising my hand in a point of order, only to be nearly done in by breakfast with that same biological mother, I can only give you the following that helped me through this very trying time.

1. Preparation : It is best to do what one must and pack as many comic books, a laptop, a Kinect (when available) and a smart phone when one is to visit one's mother. If your mother is like mine, then I would suggest hiding the appliances in a giant teddy bear that you say is for her, but the contents of which are for you. It is better to bend the truth than stay a weekend without any technology save for a television that was made in 1991.

2. The nod : When your mother says something that you do not agree with, smile and nod. It is true that I base this off Penny, the resident apartment pet who keeps stealing my wifi, but I have modified it to exclude the look of condescension that she usually sports. (P.S. - Penny, stop stealing my wifi)

3. Don't be shy : When your mother asks you what you want for breakfast, tell her. There is no sense in being modest. If you are forced to sit through a meal with her then you might as well enjoy it. Be as elaborate as possible to postpone the inevitable.

And finally, if all the above fail and you find yourself unable to take anymore... Wait for the moment when she reaches over to clasp your hand. While she prays to her false-God, close your eyes and hope for a quick, painless death.

P.S. - To the three tricksters known as "Jewish Hunk", "Spicy Indian" and "Bitter Disappointment", I know who you are and will not tolerate your spamming any longer. For I will employ my three friends Leonard, Raj (and even Wolowitz) to hunt you down and spam you back. Be afraid, Spammers. Be very afraid.

Sincerely,
Sheldon Cooper.