Challenge 11: Self Portrait

Title: Flayed
Fandom: due South
Rating: PG
Word Count: 398
Summary: Fraser and his secrets, in the aftermath of Victoria.



Be a man, you tell yourself -
But what kind of man
Are you now?
Hold tight, stay firm,
You tell yourself,
Maintain the right...

Ah, hell, who listens
To you anyway?

Hold tight. Damned tight.
Don't ever let an angry word
Blurt out, burst out.
Don't let on at all
To anyone
What secrets seethe inside.

And every day
You strop the blade
Against the leather,
Staring at the stranger
In the mirror,
That man who
Hates the skin you're in.
And you put the edge
To your throat,
To your lathered chin,
Resist the razor,
Shave, and clean.

You don't even let
Your hair grow.
Even your smile
Is controlled.

And what's a man, anyway,
You ask yourself,
And who are you, anyway,
You ask yourself,
Behind the mirror
And the lies?
Those lovely untruths
You tell yourself...
Because honestly?
Who needs true,
When a lie is enough
To make it through?

It only takes a moment
To be courteous, you say,
But you don't want courtesy.
Your fist wants to break
Through a wall.

Instead you smile,
And open doors,
Let everyone else come first,
Hide your heart
In the frozen dirt
So that no one
Can ever trample it
Befoul it,
Make it hurt,
Again.

And she walked all over you,
Didn't she?
That's the filthy truth of it.
She moved all over you,
Bitterly,
So sweet her touch, and sure.
Her taste, her smell,
Corrupting,
Contagious,
Cold,
Impure.

She left you less than a man.
And when she left
She left you shaking
Aching in the night
Like any other junky,
Aching and needing more.

And she'll be a long time gone,
In her dark, in her cold.
She'll be a long time gone,
And where she's gone
Cannot be told.

So you make yourself
Cleaner than clean,
Scrape away the stubble,
And the scrabble
And the pain,
The sleepless nights,
The loathing,
And the recriminating
Echo of her name.

Each day you paint
Your self portrait,
A diurnal lie, and gain
Distance from the
Numbing wound,
The burning wound
That feels no pain.

And you swear you'll never let
Anyone close in on you,
Pierce through you,
Rip you, tear you,
Ever open you,
Flay you, display you, betray you,
Break you apart,
Eat your heart.
Not like that.
No one will touch,
And you won't feel,
Not like that.
Not again.