Title: Common Sense and Reasonable Discourse (2008)
Fandom: X-Men: First Class
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~660 words
Content notes: for the "performance anxiety" challenge. Set in my HIMYM AU.
Badge notes: Counts toward the early bird badge (misc), and either the crossover badge, the AU badge, or the crack badge.
Summary: An extremely juvenile conversation about body parts, including very predictable humor.


"I call mine Magneto," Erik announces, after failing to get any takers on his question ('So what do you guys call your "little guys?"')

Charles isn't about to admit that he's been known to refer to his as 'little Charles.' He's also fairly certain this is just a desperate, pathetic ploy to get the rest of them to whip theirs out, which, again, so totally not happening. "Magneto? Really, that's what you're going with? You're making your penis sound like a comic book super villain or something."

"Exactly!" Erik says. He leans towards Charles with his exaggerated think-y face on. "You know what you should call yours? You should call it Professor SeX."

And now Charles really wishes he hadn't told Erik about his years-long campaign to get his students to call him 'Professor X' instead of 'Mr. Xavier.' "You know, I really don't think so."

Erik turns to Azazel and says, "What do you call yours? I bet you call it Big Red."

"No, no, Big Red is my tail," Azazel says.

"Ohhh, I call my boobs lefty and righty," Raven says, grinning. "Which one is which depends on which way Azazel is facing when I'm giving him directions."

"Oh god, can you please not," Charles moans, because the last thing in the entire world he wants to hear about are his sister's breasts.

"Yeah, we're not talking about boobs here," Erik says. Charles could kiss him (though not, like, literally. he's an English teacher; he's employing figurative language here). "Who wants to hear about boobs anyway?"

"I do," Azazel says, his gaze trained on -

"Well, how about we don't talk about anyone's anything," Charles suggests. "Naming body parts is so juvenile anyway."

"What's this about naming body parts?" Moira asks, sliding into the booth beside Charles.

"We're not naming body parts, no one is naming their body parts," Charles says.

"But didn't you name your legs Rage and Serenity that time?" Moira asks.

"I absolutely did not," Charles protests, which convinces no one, as they're now all giving him an expectant look. Great, just great. "Alright, alright, so I did - but in my defense I, was really drunk at the time."

"So which one's which?" Erik asks, peering under the table (Charles has the sudden urge to cross his legs).

Charles sighs. "Alright, so my right leg is Rage because it's the leg I trip people with, you know, instead of mind-whammying them when they really tick me off -" because tripping, at least, is not a felony "- and my left leg is Serenity because my left toes all curl when I -" it occurs to him that 'when I have a really good orgasm' is not a statement he wishes to make in front of Erik; like he needs any encouragement "- and you know what, this is stupid and juvenile and I'm going to go find a girl to talk to."

*

Normally Charles is fairly decent at talking to girls in bars. He has a few different spiels, but mostly what makes girls look at him twice is his goofy smile, and his utter sincerity in giving compliments (and he is sincere).

But this time, he can feel all their eyes boring into his back, and it's making him all self-conscious, and he can't believe Moira told them that stupid Rage and Serenity bit, and he just knows Erik is watching his ass, and he's not used to knowing he has an audience judging his chatting-up-girls performance, and, well -

He walks up to a pretty girl, and he says, "Hi there, the name is Charles, Charles SeXavier."

And maybe it would be an icebreaker for some girls, and maybe some girls would laugh - but this one says "Ugh," and takes her drink and goes to sit elsewhere, and there Charles is standing there like an idiot.

*

He slinks back to the table and makes sure to trip Erik when Erik stands up.