Title: Face towards the Sun
Fandom: Star Trek: the Original Series
Rating: PG
Characters: Kirk/Spock
Length: 2087
Content notes: Choose not to warn
Summary: Jim is a siren call to Spock, with or without memory,

“Do you remember anything?” Jim asked, his eyes tense and his hands were held tight in fists.
A week had passed since Spock woke up with no memory of his past, a result of a hiking accident, and Jim asked this every day, checked over him and insisted that he took it easy, even though Spock was cleared by the doctors. Somehow Spock sensed that Jim was worried about something else too, but he insisted that everything was fine when Spock asked.

“Not yet,” Spock said, wishing that he could remember. It was unsettling to be no longer able to depend of his photographic memory of his past. He caught Jim’s right hand and tried to soothe his anxiety. Jim tensed up at before, but soon relaxed into his touch, and Spock wondered the reason behind JIm’s tension. “What is your plan for this afternoon?”

“I plan to read a book and make lunch for us. What about you?”

“I will continue to study the plants I found outside yesterday.” Spock said, “Then I will return for lunch.”

“Always a scientist,” JIm smiled. “Do you want a companion? I can…”

“The weather outside is too hot for you to be comfortable. I will return at the usual time for lunch.”

“Alright. See you later.”

Spock saw a purple flower on his trip outside, which shape looked similar to an insect it attracted. This form of mimicry to attract pollinator was interesting, so he took reading and recorded his observation.

He met no one on the path, and was grateful. Jim hovered by his side since he woke up in the hospital, and while he appreciated it, they both needed time alone with themselves.

The trees around the path were tall and covered every space they could for sunlight, so it was easy to walk. The shuffling of leaves resonated with the wind, and Spock found a spot for meditation.

Focusing on the nature, he let his every feeling and thought come up to scrutinize, and control them. The more mundane thoughts came up first, then his focus as always returned to a pair of worried hazel eyes, and a thin thread tying him to Jim.

As Spock had told Jim, it was obvious that they were mates. Jim knew his smallest expression, and he only let Jim into his personal space. Even without the the link anchored deep in their katra, his enjoyment of Jim’s warmth and care and desire to reciprocate would prove this beyond doubt.

Spock had research himself, and in the few public photo with them together they both relaxed most around each other, smiled and downright flirting. He also read about their shared challenges and obstacles. He was proud of Jim, and he hoped Jim found him a worthy mate.

After meditation, Spock returned for lunch with Jim, and his steps lightened.

Jim sat at the balcony, and the wind got much stronger. Spock picked up a coat and said, "You should take more care of yourself. "

Jim turned towards him and smiled. "How's your afternoon? "

"I collected several specimens of local plants. Tomorrow I will go for another field trips. " Spock covered Jim's shoulders with the coat.

"Nancy invited us to a reading tonight. Are you interested? " Jim said, leading Spock to the dining table. "What'd you like for lunch? "

"A salad and the bread we had last time would be adequate."

Jim’s smile rivalled the sun, and Spock hoped to see more of them. "I surely hope the bread tasted more than adequate. "

Spock softened his eyes and reached out for Jim's right hand. "I appreciate your effort. "

"You're such a charmer, " Jim held Spock's hand back, but now his smile got tense. "I'll make the lunch. Be right back."

When Jim cut up vegetables, Spock set the table. When the lunch was ready, they sat around the table and Spock asked, “How’s your book?”

“It’s surprisingly deep as a kid’s book, and I really like the scene that the girl collected all the letters she found together…”

Spock listened, and drawn into Jim’s words.

The night they attended Nancy’s reading night, as it was logical to maintain good relationship with helpful and friendly neighbours, and Spock knew how a social creature Jim was. Spock watched from the side when Jim asked about one’s pet plant, got another to giggle with a joke, and shone in the company, and was glad how happy Jim looked.

During the reading night, everyone read aloud a passage from any books they chose, Spock chose a passage about spider behaviour from an old Earth book, which both Jim and he enjoyed, and Jim chose a poem:

“My love reveals objects /

silken butterflies /

concealed in his fingers /

his words/

splash me with stars…”

Back at home Spock said to Jim, “The poem is illogical. Neither humans nor Vulcans have butterflies in their fingers.”

Jim laughed as Spock knew he would, and replied. “But your words do splash me with stars.”

“Most illogical,” Spock said with quirked lips, and pressed a kiss on Jim.

Despite Spock’s effort, he still couldn’t recall his past. Jim was supportive, but Spock could sense his incessant worry, both in the links and the deepened lines on his face. Spock wondered about their future if he couldn’t retrieve his ability to return to his duty, and found the thought unpleasant. Kadith, but the shadow on Jim’s face broke his heart.

On another trip outdoors Spock found pieces of smooth sharp stones and collected them, with an idea formed in his mind.

"Thank you, Spock. This is... " Jim said, widened his eyes when Spock presented him the gift.

Spock’s heartbeat quickened. "This is a token for my feeling towards you. Rocks in Vulcan symbolized steadiness, and the words I sculpted came from a Pre-Reform poem. “Shall you ever touch the stone / you will find the words that that bind us / like a fire that burns forever.”

Jim held it tightly, with wetness in his eyes. "I don't know what to say. "

"Keep it as rightfully yours. Please be reassured that my heart will always stay true to you, “

Spock caught Jim when he threw his arms around him, his face pressed hard against his chest. He rubbed Jim’s back when Jim shivered against him, with the conviction to keep his words.

Despite Jim’s assurance that his conduct was spotless during the mission that he no longer had memory of, Spock was certain that something amiss had happened. He gathered his observation to test his hypothesis.

Jim doesn't touch me like before.

As a very tactile human, Jim used to shower him with physical contact: a hand on the shoulder, a pat on his back and hands brushing, and Spock basked in his high regard, but now several times Jim held up a hand as if to reach for him, but returned as if chastised, and his eyes grew distant for a moment.

He spends less private time with me.

The chess games grew less frequent, so were the dinners, and the quality of their time together changed in a way that was hard to define. The usual spark was missing, and Jim’s shield against him got higher, sturdier. Spock missed Jim’s mind brushing against his like a hungry man craved his food.

Why does it bother me so much? Spock failed to find an answer.

When Spock opened his eyes to Jim’s lifeless body, he knew that his life had end with Jim’s.

Spock meditated, his guilt strangling him, to determine how much a threat he would pose to Jim. Unbonded Vulcan males after their time were known to be highly dangerous, and he wouldn’t let him become a threat to Jim again.Surprised by how stable his mind seemed, he went deeper, further, and found -

A golden thread was knotted with the silver of himself, the gold shone and danced around. Even before reaching for confirmation, he knew the only probable candidate for its origin: Jim. It was Jim.

It was the second time in this day he wanted to laugh, this time for irony. He found the finest mate, after nearly strangling him to death, and for what?

Kadith. As Spock was no longer blind to truth, he would retrieve his finest gift, with a stricken thought that it might be forever beyond his reach.

Human courtship was complicated, with games, words with double meaning and rituals with no obvious rationale. Based on his research, He loosened his control of expression around Jim to an almost smile, getting close to the limit of propriety, showed his care more explicitly, gestures loud as a scream to a Vulcan, but apparently way not enough to a human. After another chess game that he brushed Jim’s hand when they reached for chess pieces and Jim amicably waved him goodbye at the end, he analyzed his previous failure and reached a conclusion.

Jim didn’t notice because they were already too close. They spent an average of twelve hours together a day, and met each other in their quarters almost every day if their duties allowed. Spock had long accepted Jim into his personal circle, and Jim trusted him among his best confidants. Whatever measures he took would be too subtle compared to their usual intimacy, ending in another failure.

Spock took a long breath and realized what he should do.

He would declare his intention to Jim, openly and directly, and let Jim judge his merit. It was risky and scary, but Jim deserved it.

Spock invited Jim to his quarter for a meal together, straightening his already creaseless shirt again before Jim arrived. Jim took extra serving of melty mushroom wellingtons, licking his fork in a way that quickened Spock’s heartbeat and said, “The food’s awesome. You must have taken a lot of trouble for that.”

“It’s no trouble if you enjoy it.”

“Enjoy it? Of course I do! I have never had so tasty mushroom before.” Jim took another heap into his mouth, swallowed it and asked, “What’s the occasion for this?”

With his every muscle tensed for a fight, Spock said, “I would like to make a confession to you.” When he noticed Jim straightening his back and his eyes now professional, he added, “A personal one.”

Jim put down his fork, his face turning pale, but he kept his voice steady and looked straight at Spock. “I’m listening.”

“I would like to declare my romantic intention to you. I will understand and respect your decision in any case, and I shall remain as yours.” Spock said, waiting for Jim’s judgment.

Jim looked as if he were struck by a lightning. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. Then he said, “You’re in love with me.”

“Yes, and I will be grateful for however time you grant me.”

“After everything we have had, you want to commit to me.”

“Yes.”

Jim broke into laughter, and Spock pat his back when he coughed. “Is it supposed to be a dream?”

“No, unless we are both dreaming.”

“I don’t know what the future have in us ahead, but if you’re willing to do despite everything, who am I to say no to the best thing in my life?” Jim’s laughter died down and his face softened, but somehow Spock felt that Jim was alluded to something he should have understood, but didn’t.

“I am honoured to have you in my life,” Spock said, holding Jim’s hand in his own. It was only a beginning, and they had a lot of things to discuss, such the previously unknown link and how their duty balanced their new relationship, but Spock was thankful for having Jim in his life.

After Jim had agreed to a relationship with him, - a fact which warmed Spock’s heart every day - Spock made a token. He might not be expressive in love verbally, but he hoped this would remedy that. It took some time to find the right stone and the right words, but he located perfect materials during a mission. He felt a heavy load in his throat when Jim turned pale at his gift. “Is it too forward? I can…”

Jim broke into a smile that brightened the whole room, no long with shadow nor shade, and received it with both hands. “Thank you,” He winked rapidly and said, “I love you. My feeling will hold true for you as always.”

“So do I,” Spock answered, his throat lightened, and caught Jim in his arms.