Title: In War and Peace
Fandom: Mass Effect
Rating: G
Length: 584
Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/male Shepard
Content notes: Post Mass Effect 3 (Destroy ending). Reference to events in ME3.
Author notes: This takes place at their home near Vancouver, 9 months after the end of the Reaper War. It is Shepard's voice. The summary relates to the quote at the end.
Summary: Change of season.

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Who am I really?

I've been asking myself that a lot since I've gotten out of the hospital, trying to make a normal life – a post-war life. Normal? Whatever the hell that is.

I'm just a soldier. Seems like that's all I've ever been or ever wanted to be. It's what my dad was... what my mom still is. Being a soldier, I learned a lot about what war is... first hand. The responsibility, the determination to see the mission succeed. In so many ways, the success of the mission was the gauge by which I measured my own success. When a mission failed, it was my failure.

It's ironic. I remember trying to talk hope into my squad or my allies, particularly after a rough loss or setback. Telling them that sometimes you do all the right things, and do them right, and shit still happens. And that they were still good soldiers and good people despite it. All they could do is their best.

I guess I didn't think that applied to me. I took every failure personally. One of those failures happened a year ago today. Maybe the one that hit me hardest. Thessia. Yeah, that was rough.

But every time I fell down, I managed somehow to get back on my feet and keep going. People were depending on me. I had to try.

Commander Shepard knew war.

Peace is harder to figure out. I don't know who is left of me after the war is over - when there are no more life or death missions, no strategy to plan, no squad to rally.

I don't want to be the old war hero, the one they trot out for parades and speeches. Because it wasn't ever just me. It was all of us... and some of us didn't survive to see the peace. Why honor me for being lucky enough to stay alive?

Sitting with me on the Citadel just before the end, Anderson talked about his regrets... about not having the time for a family. He told me I should settle down, have a family, a life... I told him I didn't think I'd be much good at that.

Truth is, it scares me. I never trained for that. For this... this life I have now. For all the years ahead without objectives... except those I choose. I guess it's like getting used to this rebuilt body... takes time. And mistakes. And forgiving myself when I fail. That's hard.

But I don't have to do it alone. I think maybe there's an answer in that. Just hearing Kaidan's voice calling to me is enough to make me smile.

"Hey, John... want to take a walk? It's one of those ultra-low tides today... there might be all sorts of things along the shore that aren't usually exposed. Maybe some nice shells."

I don't know when I started saving a few shells here and there. But every time I find an unusual one, I add it to my collection and I think of Mordin. He wasn't sure how he'd handle peacetime either, but he wanted to give it a try.

When I take a long time answering, Kaidan joins me on the deck, wrapping his arms around me, just holding me. I don't need to say anything, do anything. Just be there with him in the moment.

In all the moments.

Sometimes I don't really know who I am. But one truth is certain and it's enough.

I am his.
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To every thing there is a season...
A time of war... a time of peace...
– Turn, Turn, Turn - Pete Seeger