Title: Privateer's Poison
Fandom: Burn Notice
Rating: G
Length: 535 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Fantastic crack of a casefic nature, for comment_fic. The mermaid is modeled after mermaids in British folklore. Except for the restaurant, places mentioned in this fic are real, but the incidents never happened in real life. And yes, the name of the mermaid is taken from Bubble Guppies. (Site has autoplay video.)
Summary: A mermaid is Sam, Fi and Mike's latest client.


"Hey, Mikey, have you read the Miami Herald? A boat just sank at the Sunset Harbour Yacht Club the other day."

Michael sits down with Sam, who is folding up his copy of the Herald, and Fiona. The three are at their usual table in the restaurant they meet some of their clients in.

"What's so strange about that, Sam? Other than the fact that it's not news about the Marlins."

"The boat just sank. When the police pulled it out of the water, there was nothing wrong with it. The ship was stable, the equipment was fine and the ship wasn't scuttled. There wasn't anyone aboard the ship at the time for the ship to be scuttled."

Michael looks at Fiona. "Fi…"

"I had nothing to do with this, Michael. I even have an alibi. I went to the gym for yoga class and then I went back to the loft. You can even call my yoga instructor. If she screams at the mention of my name, you'll know I went to class."

"Okay, so where's this client we're supposed to be meeting?"

"She's coming right now."

A woman walks into the restaurant. The only thing she's wearing is a green bikini. She is six feet tall and dripping wet. Long hair covers her breasts. The other patrons don't notice she's not wearing a bra. She sits at Michael's table.

"Mikey, Fiona, this is Deema. Deema, this is Michael and Fiona."

"It's a pleasure to be acquainted with all of you."

"Uh…why are you wet?"

"I was in the water before I came here, Michael."

"Mikey, we're near the ocean. You know she had a swim before she came to the restaurant."

"I'm looking for the owner of the ship Privateer's Poison."

"That's that ship that sunk at the yacht club!' Sam says.

"He owes me something very valuable."

"You mean the ship, or something else?"

"Oh, he owes me the ship, Sam. And something much more valuable. I'd like the three of you to find him and bring him to me."

Fiona frowns. "How much do we get if we find the owner of Privateer's Poison?"

Deema looks at a bottle of vodka at the bar. "We'll discuss that later."

"Excuse me, Deema," Michael says, "I'm going to the bar and ordering a few cocktails with my friends."

"Since when do you drink cocktails?"

"Come on, Sam."

Sam, Michael and Fiona go to the furthest end of the bar from their table and sit on bar stools.

"A tall woman with long hair walks into a bar without a bra, dripping wet, and asks for the owner of a ship that mysteriously sinks at a yacht club." Michael's voice is at a whisper.

"What's wrong with that?"

"Sam, do you not realize that our client, believe or not, is a mermaid, and she's trying to kill the owner of Privateer's Poison?"

"She didn't look like a mermaid when I met her on the beach."

Michael does a facepalm on the bar's counter.

"Next time, Sam," Fiona says, "maybe you should stop picking up clients while you're looking for sugar mamas."

Sam scowls at her. Fiona puts on her sunglasses and smirks at Sam.