Title: A Waking Dream
Fandom: Mass Effect
Rating: PG
Length: 412
Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/male Shepard
Content notes: Refers to possible canon character death
Author notes: This takes place at the end of ME3 and is Kaidan's voice. The summary is from lyrics of "The Time Imperfect" – AFI. The title references Aristotle, quoted in the afterword.
Summary: I cannot leave here, I cannot stay.

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I can't accept that he's gone.

But the skies are clear, the Reapers dispatched to whatever hell they fear most – I don't give a damn which hell that is. Shepard accomplished that... at a cost still unknown.

Tonight I ended up in his quarters. I'd resisted taking refuge here – the crew needs a visible leader. But I don't want anyone to see me break down when the inevitable happens – when I wake up with the certainty that the price was his life.

Here, he still lives. I'm surrounded by everything Shepard. The pillow smells like him... the bed retains the imprint of our last night together.

I can't sleep there now. Alone.
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Not quite alone. His fish swim about as if the world hasn't changed.

The only light is from the aquarium, its sounds offering the same gentle background that had lulled me to sleep, sated and held close in strong arms.

Shepard found it relaxing, his aquarium – something to focus on outside himself, something apart from an unrelenting world. Maybe I offered that same respite. But it became more than that – a turning to each other, not simply an escape. I don't know.

But I drew strength and hope... from him and from us. And it's hard to hold onto that right now.

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Exhaustion overtakes me. The bed is out of the question and I sink onto the sofa, letting the flickering movements in the tank mesmerize me.

At some point, on the knife-edge between sleep and wakefulness, I almost see him. Standing by the aquarium, its blue glow bathing his bare skin as he strips off the layers of uniform, he reaches for me. His eyes lose their tiredness and darken, anticipating what we know is to come.

My own voice wakes me, a low moan escaping as his lips touch mine. It's not real. He's not here. The kiss is only a memory of passion. The tears that threatened finally fall, in mourning for what is lost.

Thinking I should go, but needing even more to linger here, I finally sleep. In the morning, I'm no closer to feeling any certainty about his fate.

But there's something I need to do before I face the crew and the world again. A small smile tugs at my lips as I feed Shepard's fish. He didn't entrust the chore to anyone lightly, but the act feels right to me.

They will be here for him when he returns.

As will I.

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Hope is a waking dream. - Aristotle