Word Count: 5,679



Shane Hollander was rarely ever gentle with himself. He took everything too personally, and he didn't let himself off the hook for things that were not his fault. He spat on the floor in the shower, not shocked to see blood there. He was pretty sure that his tongue was still bleeding, and he figured that he had split the insides of his lips as well from his face ramming into the glass. He didn't know what was going to happen when the decision was made to bench him or not. The thing was that he wasn't even out. Ilya had come out without warning Shane that he was doing it.

There were those who knew about him, but now he was being painted as tainted by the rest of the Metros outside of Hayden and JJ. The team thinks that he's tainted from being friends with Ilya.

Shane felt the pressure to come out to Ilya because, as soon as Ilya had gotten his permanent residence and worked on getting things applied for citizenship with it, there was little that Ilya had to fear about having to go back to Russia. The Centaurs were safe as well, with the management supporting him in coming out.

"You about done?" Hayden asked.

Shane turned his head to look at his friend, and he pushed up off the wall to finish with the last few things he needed to do. Hayden had known about him and Ilya for two summers before. It had been hard to tell him, but Shane had freaked out less from it than he had from telling his parents after his father had caught him and Shane kissing. Hayden didn't leave him alone in any of the locker rooms or even on the bus or the plane. Shane was never left alone unless he was behind a door in a hotel. Even when Shane slipped away to meet with Ilya, it was now him and Hayden going out and Hayden coming back alone, then coming to get Shane again when Shane came back.

"Yeah," Shane finally said. He grabbed the handle and shut off the water before stepping back and getting ready to dry off.

There was a massive fear about what could happen to Shane if he was left alone with any of the more homophobic members of the Metros. Shane had told Ilya that coming out wasn't an option yet, not with the guys on the team, so Ilya had done his side of things, and Shane was still catching stars.

He spat again, not caring about the blood that was left on the floor. He usually tried to be a little better about it when it came to the staff that had to clean up in there, but there was blood all over from the game.

"You look like shit," Hayden said.

"Thanks, I-" Shane stopped as the door opened, and Paulson walked in. He wasn't going to say what he was saying because that was not something that needed to get back to anyone. Yeah, Hyaden wasn't going to be looked at as anything other than the straight man that he was because of how many kids he had. No one looked at him and wondered if he was anything but straight, but Shane was pretty. Shane was exotic. Shane had to be gay. That was the way it was looked at, even with him having had girlfriends over the years and the very public dating of Rose that he did. That should have helped him, but in the end, fumbling Rose Landry meant he had to be gay.

This was exactly why he didn't want to be out while playing. Ilya had to make his own choices, but now it meant that they had to be careful about everything. They never met at each other's place anymore because there were too many cameras now. With Ilya in Ottawa and the team doing a lot better, Ilya was followed a lot. Their phones still had their secret names, and they made sure that their posts were never seen when they were able to be seen.

Ilya's screen had been photographed more than once so far.

Going home felt like heaven as Shane stretched out on the bed. He used antiseptic stuff in his mouth to make sure that he didn't have to worry about an infection in his mouth. He didn't need that with the push of the game at the moment. He didn't resent Ilya for coming out. He hated how much attention it put on him. There was no hate in Shane's heart for Ilya. He just didn't like it.

One day, he would be free of this, and he just hoped that at the end of it all, he would have Ilya still at his side.

---

Shane smiled at Ilya as he worked on his meal. Ilya was telling him all about the way the last few days had gone. They had been testing but had not been able to have much in the way of actual conversation. He wasn't even sure that he could call this talking. Ilya was talking to him. Shane had wanted to talk about the issues he was having on the team before he went to his mother to talk about how to stop this shit from happening because he didn't feel safe. Things were turning worse on the team. He was being blamed for things, and he wasn't even out. Ilya's coming out had cost him the room, and nothing he did was getting it back. He was days away from being benched. He knew that if they lost another game, he was going to be benched and someone else was going to be taking the C from him.

The dinner Shane made was closer to something that he knew he could stomach. There was enough spice in it, but nothing that was too hot and would upset his stomach, because he was so stressed that even the things he enjoyed the hell out of were upsetting his stomach. He didn't have to wonder about this. He speared a piece of tuna and a few of the veggies in the bowl along with a bit of rice, and he lifted it to his mouth.

"The guys are wanting to take me out to eat to celebrate me coming out. They wanted to make it the only time that we have together, but I told them that I had plans already."

Shane could hear the longing in Ilya's voice. How much Ilya wanted it. The nights that they had the chance to get together, they cherished, but maybe that was what Ilya needed, a life more outside of him.

"You can go," Shane said.

"You don't want to see me?" Ilya asked. He turned to face Shane fully, a pout on his lips.

"I always want to see you, but maybe you need that night out with the team that's not hockey-focused."

Ilya still looked like he was debating what to do about it. It wasn't like they didn't see each other. They called and talked like this. They texted a lot. Just because they didn't have the time together didn't mean that they weren't seeing each other. It was going to be harder as time went on, as the season came to a close and their teams either made it into the playoffs or didn't. Shane would have to stay in Montreal or be with his parents in Ottawa most of the time. He wasn't going to be able to handle Ilya that much. He didn't like it, but he really didn't know what else to do about it. He was already facing abuse from his team, and confirming that he was gay just might get him killed. If there was any little bit of confirmation from him, he didn't think he would survive it.

Shane shifted, and he hissed.

"Ribs still bothering you from the check a week ago? Did you get them checked out?"

"Yes, they were checked out and were just bruised, this is..." Shane trailed off when Ilya looked to be focusing on his food, and then when Ilya turned back, he had a smile on his face.

Shane swallowed what he was going to say because Ilya was happy. He would just run everything through his mother and then deal with how things were going to come when he got his evidence in front of the people in the league who were supposed to protect him. He didn't need Ilya to protect him because all that Ilya being a part of this fight would do was to make it worse for Shane. Ilya couldn't be there at practice, and Hayden and Jacki were already having issues with Hayden being there early for practice and staying late when Shane needed time to do what he wanted to do. He was debating turning part of his apartment building into something that would allow him a better gym, as he had at the cottage. He didn't because he had the Metro's equipment, and it didn't seem smart to buy something he didn't need to buy. He was rich, but that money would also support him if this ended.

When it ended. Shane was sure that coming out for him would mean not being in the MLH. Ilya could come out and be fine because he was white. Russian but white. Russians were a big part of the MLH, just like Canadians and Americans were. Asians were not so much. He had to hold himself up to a higher standard that had been pushed on him from the start. His mother knew about him. She had made sure that he knew what his life was going to be like. It was why she pushed for him to have so many brand deals. Faces like his were not dropped when they brought in sales.

"You are barely eating," Ilya said.

Shane looked at his dish, and he scooped up a bigger bite of it. He shoved it into his mouth and smiled as he chewed. Ilya looked a little lost for a few seconds, like he hadn't expected Shane to do that. "Just been lost listening to you talk, I was forgetting to eat."

Ilya laughed, and he plated up his food before moving the phone over to where he could sit in front of it while he ate. He kept on talking, nonsense, daily life things that Shane normally loved, but he hated right now because he didn't have those outside of things he did with Nayden's kids. But also, there was no way to talk about his day-to-day life without bringing the whole mood down. Ilya deserved the best, and that meant that Shane had to be quiet.

---

"Hey, Hollander, do you suck Rozanov's cock every time?"

Shane closed his eyes as he taped his stick. He didn't want to have to deal with this. He didn't look up even as someone got closer to him. He looked to the side as subtly as he could, but Hayden wasn't there. Where was Hayden?

"Hey, I asked you a question, fag."

A hand jerked his face up, and he was looking at where Paulson was standing in front of him. He was just in his underwear, and the outline of his cock was very visible. It was honestly freaking Shane the fuck out. He felt as if a man did this to a woman, he would be accused of sexual assault.

"Do you suck Rozanov's cock every single time you are together? Do you get on your knees for that bastard and stare up at him?"

Paulson's cock was getting hard. Shane had always thought he was a sadist, and it was why he played hockey. He got off on hitting people. He was a good enforcer, but he was a fucking asshole.

"Why do you want to know? You need tips?"

Shane didn't have time to react. He was grabbed and shoved into his cubby, and then there was a punch in his stomach as he was put on his feet. He curled to cover his middle and protect his head at the same time, going for putting his back to the cubbies because he knew best how to protect himself when fights happened on the ice. At least none of them were skated up at the moment.

It was like hell broke loose because he heard the shouts, and he felt kicks hitting his arms. The shouts kept on, and then the pain stopped. Shane didn't move. He didn't feel safe. There was a lot of loud noises, but all that Shane could hear was his own heart beating and his blood pumping through his veins. His body hurt from the punch and then from the kicks. He was sore from games, too. His body was not healing as much because he was worn out and dead on his feet. He pushed through because he had to, but it was taking its toll.

"Don't touch him," a voice called out.

Shane had no idea who that voice was, but he clung to it. He kept it as his lifeline. He wanted to just have that person be there for him. They heard a few sounds, and then there was the noise of someone sitting close to him.

"Hollander, can you uncurl?"

Shane tried, but it hurt. He felt that one of his arms might be broken. He pulled that arm down to protect it more, and he got himself uncurled enough to look at the woman who was now sitting in front of him with Hayden and JJ behind her. They looked freaked out. There were guys across the room, looking on in shock. Shane wasn't going to be able to sit up at all with his arm the way it was, and the rest of his body was hurting.

"We have the team doctor on his way. We are going to clear you from the room and take you to someplace safe with an escort of people. How does that sound?" the woman asked.

Shane nodded. He looked at Hayden and tried to motion with his good hand to help him up. Hayden came around, and he helped Shane sit up, his back to the wall between cubbies to not have to worry about leaning back.

"Is there anyone that we need to contact?" the woman asked.

"I'll call my parents as soon as we know anything."

"No one else?" the woman asked.

Shane shook his head.

She pursed her lips but nodded. She stood up and waved for JJ and Hayden to come closer. Shouting started up from the hallway, and Shane flinched back, nearly sitting his ass down in the cubby.

"Mitty, you good to clear his stuff and bring it?" the woman asked.

"Yeah, I've got it."

"Who are you?"

"New hire to hopefully get this fucking team into a cohesive unit, but I think that no one is going to like what I'm getting ready to do. You are going to press charges, right?"

Shane just stared at her.

"There is room for things like this in your contract, especially since that was sexual assault," the woman said.

"That's strong, right?" JJ asked.

"If you were going up to a woman with a hard cock and putting it into her face and demanding to know if she gets on her knees for someone, how is that not sexual assault. There might be a more legal definition since I don't think that he touched Hollander with his cock, but it was getting hard. I could see that from where I was, but things escalated, and I was not able to get here in time."

"How?" Hayden asked.

"You all agreed to be filmed for that documentary, so there are cameras set up in here that turn on as soon as you all are beach-ready. I was watching the live feed to get some work done on the cohesion of the room."

More people came into the room, and Shane was so happy that it was the doctor and the one nurse whom he knew really well. He allowed himself to get pulled up to where he could sit on the bench. His arm was not in good condition with the swelling, but Shane didn't care. He wanted out of there.

"Audio was recorded, and I'm going to make sure that it's not deleted. Do you need me to stay?"

Shane shook his head, and the lady left. Shane would have to figure out her name. He wasn't sure what was going to happen with this, but he knew that it was going to leak. It wasn't going to be a good look for the Metros, but Paulson had been warned before about shit, and nothing ever happened when things happened outside of the arena. Shane had learned a long time before that he had issues with the predators on the team; no matter how long they stayed, it was something that made him look bad, not the predators. He wondered what was going to happen with this, and he hoped the lady was going to be able to do what she needed to get something done.

"Hayd?" Shane asked. He looked at his friend as the world started to go black. It was too much, and the pain was too much. He was so fucking tired. "I'm gonna pass out."

Shane did just that as soon as he said it.

---

The room was dark except for the soft glow that came from the monitor that showed his heart rate, oxygen, and a few other things on it. He stared at it, and then he closed his eyes again. He knew that someone was in the room with him, but he wasn't sure who it was. He didn't really care because he wanted to get rid of the pain. His arm ached. He was curled on his side with his good arm on the bottom and his bad arm seemingly strapped to his chest. He got his good arm out enough to hit the button on his bed that would call a nurse or a doctor, whoever to him.

The lights came on, and the room was flooded with soft lighting. It wasn't nearly as sharp and painful as Shane thought it would be, and he could see Ilya in the corner. He frowned because he remembered telling that lady that he didn't need anyone. Shane was about to open his mouth to say something when Ilya shook his head. Shane nodded, and he focused on the nurse as she came over to him, asking about his pain level and where the pain was on him at the moment.

"Your arm is broken, not as horrible as it could have been. It didn't even need to be reset or anything. But you have a lot of bone bruises up and down your forearms from where you protected yourself, and your back is a riot of bruises from the wall you were pressed into as well. So you are a giant bruise, pretty much. We have topical that you can put on a few times a day when the other meds start to wane, and you can't take them yet, you'll get a script for that, but for now, let us know when you need it, and Mister Rosanov can put it on you if you don't want the nursing staff to do it. We can go over everything in the morning after we have gotten more sleep. You need anything else right now?"

Shane shook his head, not trusting his voice. The nurse left after she said something to Ilya. Ilya stood up once the door was shut, and he moved over to the bed, his face full of worry.

"I'm not angry, I'm sad," Ilya said as he sat down on the side of the bed and touched Shane's face. It felt so good. "I'm sad that you tried to handle this on your own without getting my help."

"You are on a different team, and I was working on it. I was trying to get a report that was full of everything to Player Safety."

"Well, the Metros didn't play that game. There was too much going on and too much other shit. The news hasn't broken on why they did not play, but there were people who stalked the arena to notice that you didn't leave with the rest of the team. So now they are worried that something happened, and you never showed up. Then, of course, someone else noticed your vehicle was there and that there had been those who saw you arrive. They missed the whole exit via a stretcher, though."

"I didn't want to worry you or drag you down," Shane said.

"Drag me down? What do you mean?"

"I didn't want to upset you. Your team loves you so much, and they are supportive of you coming out. I didn't want to ruin it. One of us deserved to have a good coming out."

"Only you are not out and were still treated like this because your friend came out. Hayden told me a lot of things. He said that you would probably be pissed at him for it, but he said that he had a duty to do it. I told him to give you baby, and you'll stop being pissed."

"I don't want his kind," Shane said.

"not for keeps, just to hold. You don't get pissed off when you are holding a baby."

Shane laughed, and it made his body ache. He looked at the door, seeing that all of the windows were covered well.

"Stacy will be the only one in the room, and we will have to be careful, but she said that unless we hit the button, she has no reason to come back until morning, and then she will knock." Ilya got up off the bed, and he walked around to stand behind Shane. There was the sound of shoes coming off and hitting the floor, and the bed dipped. Ilya got under the covers with him, his body warm, and Shane leaned into it. They knew that it was risky, despite what Stacy said. Having Ilya wrapped around him was better than anything else. "Sleep."

Shane wasn't able to fight Ilya's command. He let himself drift off.

---

The sound of soft talking woke him up. He stretched out and listened to the voices of his parents talking with Hyaden. He knew that Ilya was still behind him, and he didn't care. He just stayed like that until he felt Ilya waking up because of the sounds.

"You are feeling a little better?" Ilya asked in a soft tone.

"Yeah, sleep helped a lot, and I think that the meds are really working right now. Going ot suck when the IV is gone."

Ilya laughed.

"I have to pee."

"You need help to the bathroom?" Ilya asked.

"No," Shane said. He waited for the soft sound of disappointment from Ilya. "But I want help to the bathroom."

Ilya laughed and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck before carefully getting up.

The trip to the bathroom was horrible. Shane ended up needing help, and he was glad that Ilya was right there. The other three in the room stayed off to the side, and Shane knew that when he got back, he was going to be ambushed. He was in sweats and a long-sleeved shirt. He wasn't sure how he had been allowed in it, but he had a feeling it had to do with Ilya and the assault he had gone through. He was glad that he wasn't in a gown with the back open. He looked at himself in the mirror when Iyla washed his hand along with his own in the sink. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he had lost more weight than he thought. He could see his cheekbone more than he had since the last time he had a growth spurt and had tried to keep eating the amount of calories that he had before that. He had learned a good lesson then and had worked himself to get more fuel into his body, which helped him as he worked through, realizing how much he was going to burn.

Shane ate a lot of food. He wasn't just eating low-calorie things. He ate things that fueled his body with treats worked into the diet since Ilya had joined his life. He had been made to want the sweets sometimes, and he could easily pick things that had some redeeming value when it came to empty calories. Maybe he needed to do something like that again, slip in more sweets. He was going to have to figure it out with the team dietitian. He would make it better. He would get his life going the way it needed to, one small change at a time.

"Ready to face the song?"

"It's face the music," Shane said.

"Same difference," Ilya said with a grin.

Shane knew he had said the wrong word on purpose to see if Shane was kidding him. He turned to lean into Ilya, and Ilya held onto him tightly with a smile on his face. There was so much that was going to be horrible for the next while, but with Ilya at his side, he felt like he could do it.

"Are you ready?" Ilya asked when the hug had gone on for longer than normal.

"Yeah. Are they mad?"

"No, not at you. At themselves, yes. We talked a lot last night. We didn't want to ambush you, and they felt that I was the better option. Hayden stayed here after he went to meet your parents and bring them up here. Stacy allowed them all to stay in a private waiting room where no one would realize that they were in there. She rules this floor according to her."

Ilya opened the door, and Shane was glad when his parents were off to the side of the room. There was a look on her face that Shane knew. Something happened.

"What happened?"

"Someone recorded it and shared it. It's been through the press, so getting the source is going to be impossible. It was from before Pauslon got close to you and then stopped when Eva got the room to let her get closer to you, along with Hayden. There is a lot of talk at the moment about what is going to happen. The whole thing was broken as something horrible, and it honestly is."

"Did you watch it?" Shane asked.

"No, we didn't. Hayden told us not to watch it."

"I...broke a nose last night," Hayden said.

"What?" Shane asked.

"The part the person recording didn't get was one of the guys holding me and JJ back. We both beat the shit out of the guys holding us back. I have no clue what kind of fines we are going to get for attacking our own teammates, but we are going to fight it. Paulson would have killed you if he could."

Shane knew that. He had seen it in Paulson's eyes before he had been punched. The whole thing was flashing in his brain. He knew that things were not good, and he would have to deal with a lot of shit. He felt like he needed to get his life figured out with this. He wasn't going back to the Metros. That was going to be the first thing here. He would rather not play than have to play with them. He didn't feel safe anymore. He hadn't felt safe for a while, but this tipped it over.

"Do you think that I can just not play for them?"

"Well, bud, your arm is broken," Hayden said.

Shane looked at his arm, which was in a splint, not a full cast. It was holding his arm still, but it was also still strapped to his chest.

"Yeah," Shane said. He forgot that it would stop him from playing for a while.

"They won't suspend the whole team, right?"

"No, they won't. There will be a lot of call-ups from the lower teams. It's going ot suck. JJ and I might not even be able to play after the fight we got into. The owner is pissed, and the coach is in the firing line on it because it's his team, his locker room. The GM is trying to mitigate what he can, but things are not going to go well. We have a massive eye on us right now, and how this is handled tells a lot. Scott and Ilya are just the first of the active players to come out. It's going to keep on going. There is no reason to think it's going to stop. The MLH is going to have to figure itself out when it comes to this."

"Yeah," Shane said. He sighed and looked at Ilya before looking at the large plush chair that was in the sun. "Can I sit there, or do I have to stay in bed?"

"You can sit there. They have no issues. Your pole can be wheeled anywhere." Ilya helped him over toward the chair, and then he sank into it.

For a few seconds, Shane was worried about where Ilya was going, but he came back with a bottle of water and what looked like one of his favorite snack bars that he would eat on days when he was doing a lot of working out. He took it with a happy smile and used his teeth to open it. He was hungry. Hungry in a way that he had not been in a while.

"We have to talk about when you are talking to Player Safety and what you are going to do when it comes to reporting this and what you want done, but that doesn't have to be right now. Soon, but not right now," his mom said.

Shane looked at her. He smiled and nodded, taking a sip of the water when Ilya held it to his lips. "I want to talk to the doctor and get all of that done with, and then we can talk about the logistics of telling them what I want done." Shane was done hiding. He didn't want to do it anymore. He was going to be beaten and assaulted like he was when he wasn't even out; he wanted to come out and claim it.

The fear that had been pushing at him for so long was gone. It was beaten out of him because the people he knew best in the world had turned on him. He had spent more time with them than he had with his own parents in the last years. He had celebrated their personal wins, he had mourned their personal losses, and he had helped them get better at their games. There was so much that was going on that he wasn't sure that he would ever be the same.

"I'm sorry," Ilya said in Russian. He pressed a kiss to Shane's temple. Then he spoke in English. "I should have stayed away, but I could not. Not after Hayden messaged me that you had been hurt at the arena. Then there was the news that the game hadn't happened. Wiebe gladly let me leave when I needed to. We faked an injury to make it less noticeable that I wasn't there."

"I don't care anymore. I don't. I will come out with you. I will have you stand beside me as I deal with this. I will not cower because being like I had been was the reason this could happen. They were not afraid of what would happen to them, and I want to make them afraid. I want to make them fear everything that they thought might happen because I refuse to back down."

"Even if it costs you your job?" his mother asked.

"Even then, because I don't want to play where a teammate can try to kill me, and I have to take the ice with them on another team. I love hockey, but I want hockey to be better, and if this is the first step in making it safer for the ones who come after me, I will do that."

Ilya slipped off the arm of the chair, and he crouched in front of Shane, taking care not to bump the IV pole. He looked at Shane with tears in his eyes. He laid his hands on Shane's knees, the only part of his lower legs that didn't ache from the kicks he had taken. "I'll be behind you. The whole Centaurs will."

Shane nodded his head. He was glad to have Ilya behind him, and he knew that the Centaurs would make it easy on him.

"I'm still hungry," Shane said.

Ilya laughed, and he nodded. "I can get you something to eat and let you have a few minutes with them. Without me."

Shane nodded. He knew that they had a lot to talk about. The future was unknown for both of them, but he knew one thing: he was done hiding. He was done being afraid to lose hockey because he wasn't like what others wanted him to be.

It was going to be something that he felt like he would need to keep on working on. With Ilya, his parents, and Hayden behind him, he could do it. He didn't need anyone else. He had found the part of him that didn't care, that wanted to be happy, and he could only be happy if he pushed. Just like when he had gone to Ilya's room, and they talked after Shane told him that he was gay, he had to fight.

The End