“Jeeves,” I called, we were preparing to visit Aunt Dahlia and I was keen nothing should be forgotten, “you will ensure you pack my new socks, won’t you? All three pairs.”

There was a slight grunt which confirmed that Jeeves had been hoping to avoid including them in my luggage.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you, sir, that one pair has had an unfortunate accident,” he replied.

“Oh yes,” I answered, somewhat dubiously, the socks were after all a recent purchase, and in fact I had only worn one of the pairs at all, and that to the Drones’ Club, with great success, I might add. “What happened to them?”

“It appears that the laundry woman’s dog unfortunately saw one and mistook it for a rat,” Jeeves coughed, “and proceeded to kill it.”

Had it not been beneath my gentleman’s gentleman to do anything of the sort, I would have suspected he had enticed the creature by waving the sock at him.

I sighed. “In which case, please ensure both the other two new pairs are packed.”

There was a slight pause. “Very good, sir.”

***

We arrived in time for dinner, and for once I acquiesced with Jeeves’ suggestion that I wear plain socks. In truth, I was happy to do that for there would be little opportunity for my new socks, each pair a different tartan with rather vibrant checks, to be admired.

The following morning, having ensured I was wearing one of the new pairs, I descended to hear squeals of laughter emerging from the morning room. I accordingly entered to see what had served to entertain my cousin, Angela.

“What ho!” I said on entry, “What has tickled your fancy this bright, sunny morn?”

“The cook’s cat had kittens recently and I’m going to have two of them. Don’t you think this one’s an absolute darling?”

I looked across the floor, to see the rear half of a small kitten sticking out from a tartan sock.

What? I shook my head, thinking I must be confused, then checking my own feet, realised, “Dash it all, Angela, that’s one of my socks!”

“Well, you won’t want it back now,” she laughed. “Her little claws have made holes in it, so you can’t wear it again.”

I ground my teeth and went over to pick up the sock. As I bent down to do so, I realised there was something other than just kitten in the sock. A scent of catnip was coming from the sock.

“Someone has put a catnip mouse in my sock,” I exclaimed. “No wonder the kitten wanted to get inside.”

I looked at Angela, who gave me a completely innocent look. As no doubt would Jeeves if I were to ask him about it.

***

Later Aunt Dahlia came into the morning room to join us, saying, “Coffee will be here soon.”

Nonchalantly I crossed one leg over the other, thus exposing one of my excellent (and sadly now only) tartan socks.

“Good grief, Bertie,” Aunt Dahlia exploded, “what on earth is on your leg? I suggest you go and plunge your foot into some form of disinfectant to kill off whatever it is.”

“This, dearest relative,” I protested, “is one of my new socks.” I raised the other trouser leg to show off its pair. “They’re all the rage in London.”

“Good heavens! Are they contagious? If they are, please make sure you stay away from Hildebrand and Tom.”

“I can assure you, my dear aunt, that they are perfectly safe.”

“Well, that’s as maybe, but, since they will put me off my coffee if you continue to wear them, you will go and change. I am surprised that Jeeves permits you to wear them.”

I muttered something to the effect that as I was the young master, he had no choice in the matter. However, Aunt Dahlia cleared her throat in a threatening manner, and I rapidly absented myself.

I had not made it back to my room when Angela caught up with me.

“Bertie,” she said, in a certain wheedling tone I’d come to dread, “since you will no longer be needing those socks, could we have them for the scarecrow in the vegetable garden. Those socks would make perfect hands and will terrify the birds.”

I ground my teeth and continued to my room without comment.

That afternoon, Tuppy Glossop called round. The first thing he said was, “Bertie, have you seen the absolutely spiffing mittens the old scarecrow’s wearing?”