Title: Celebrity status
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 779 words
Content notes: None
Author notes: Written for Challenge 504 - Star
Summary: Jack has a problem with the local interest in a fly by night popstar.


Jack growled at the sigh which confronted him. St Mary Street could be busy on a Saturday morning with its weekend shoppers and people strolling around, cups of coffee in hand, but this was unprecedented. Even at Christmas it wasn't this packed in the main thoroughfare. There were people simply everywhere. What's with all the people? he asked. Ianto would know, because Ianto always knew everything.

I would have thought that was obvious, Ianto replied, making no move to take any action that would be described as calmly dispersing the crowd. When Jack’s eyebrows knotted at him he rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t you ever read the newspaper or watch tv?’

‘Who has time for that?’ That’s what I pay you for,’ he replied.

Ianto sighed. ‘Well, if you’d crawled out from underneath that enormous hub-shaped rock of yours any time in the last year you’d know that Billy Buttons is pretty much the biggest pop star on the planet and that he’s playing in Cardiff this weekend. Clearly he thought he’d do a bit of retail therapy while he’s here. Except now it’s turned into fandemonium, which was probably the plan in the first place. Who cares if you’ve already sold out the Millennium Stadium two nights in a row. A little bit more publicity to keep the masses wanting more.’

Well, that explained a lot of the screaming girls – and boys – not to mention a lot of sobbing. Jack had been worried that whatever had dropped through the rift had sparked all the commotion. Tosh had assured him it wasn’t anything that should be worried about, but he never liked having to search for things in high traffic parts of town. Anything could happen to it, not least of which was someone picking it up and taking it home with them. He scanned the crowd again, knowing spotting anything, even just lying on the ground abandoned, would be impossible as things stood. ‘Billy Buttons? What kind of a name is that?’

‘I believe they call it a pseudonym. His real name is apparently William Russell Algernon.’

Jack snorted. No wonder the guy changed his name. ‘Never heard of him.’

‘That's because you haven’t listened to any music since the end of the second World War,’ Ianto replied.

‘I listen to music!’ Jack argued. ‘I had an iPod before they were even a thing.’

‘You mean you stole one from the future and brought it back with you. Could they get Vera Lynn on MP3?’

Jack grunted, conceding that was true. ‘I’m not as culturally isolated as you make out.’

‘Really?’ Ianto pressed him. ‘But you’ve never heard anything by People Magazine’s “Sexiest man of 2008?” He’s, ah…’ Ianto tried to peer through the crowd. ‘There. Just between those two topless ladies trying to get him to sign their cleavage. Ah, got to love those classy valleys girls.’

Jack craned his head, scanning over the tops of a few hundred heads until he spotted the tanned figure in heavy black sunglasses, ripped jeans, black leather jacket and chains. He caught the flash of pearly whites that caused another wave of screaming and whooping and decided that those weren't natural. Neither was the tan, or the blonde highlights. Probably wore platform shoes for a few extra inches height too. ‘You think that’s sexy?’ he asked, narrowing his eyes at Ianto.

Ianto just shrugged back. ‘The music isn’t really my style, but you can’t deny the general public their consensus.’

Jack tensed his hands into fists. It wasn't a yes, but it wasn’t a no either. ‘He never won Rear of the Year,’ Jack said, pouting slightly.

Ianto looked at him and a tiny smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth. ‘Jealous?’

Jack stiffened, drawing himself up. ‘No.’ Of course he was. On another day and under different circumstances Jack might not kick a guy who looked like that out of bed, but today was not that day. ‘He’s hindering a Torchwood investigation.’

‘Not knowingly. Kind of the point of being a top secret organisation, isn’t it?’

Jack scowled, forced to watch on as the crowd seemed to double in size as people texted their friends to tell them where they needed to be to get a glimpse of celebrity royalty. ‘I’m not in the mood to deal with pop stars, Ianto. Or any stars for that matter.’

Ianto nodded. ‘Good that we’ve got that clarified. Now, perhaps if your ego isn’t too bruised, you might help me think of a way to clear the crowd without causing a stampede or mass hysteria? I somehow doubt that flashing the 5049 Rear of the Year is going to garner much distraction.’