“Of all the rotten luck, to face Caesar’s team for our first game of the season,” Hamlet moaned.

“At least we’ll get it over with and then the only way will be up,” Horatio replied.

“Or we’ll start off at the bottom of the league and stay there all season.”

“Do you think that’s ever happened before?”

“No idea, but I don’t want to be the team that achieved that distinction.” Hamlet paused, then said, “Claudius, what do you want?”

“I’ve been thinking about the forthcoming cricket match,” Claudius said.

“So’ve we,” Horatio muttered.

Claudius ignored him. “They’re coming to us this time, so how about we give them food poisoning at tea?”

“You can’t do that!” Hamlet protested. “It’s hardly, well, cricket!”

“Bodyline bowling is illegal, or we could have tried that.”

“A couple of teams have already accused Polonius of that last season,” Horatio said.

“Fortunately enough teams have seen Polonius bowl to know the ball rarely goes in the direction he intends, so that was never a real issue,” Hamlet replied.

“I’ll continue thinking,” Claudius said. “there must be a way, because we can’t possibly out play them.”

Hamlet stood up and assumed his best team captain air. “We will play to the best of our ability!”

Someone muttered, “That’s what we’re afraid of,” but Hamlet wasn’t sure whether it was Claudius or Horatio.

***

“We won!” Hamlet exclaimed. “We beat last year’s champions!”

“I would have expected you to be celebrating,” Horatio said. “But you don’t seem as happy as I would have expected.”

“It’s just, well, we didn’t really win.”

“The scoreboard said we did.”

“Yes, but our playing hasn’t improved. Granted we were slightly better, now that Marcellus is able to bat and we don’t have to field that idiot, Osric, but that shouldn’t have been enough to beat Caesar’s Eleven. It’s as if they destroyed themselves.”

“True. I couldn’t believe it when Cassius ran out Brutus in the second over.”

“And then Brutus managed to hit Julius hard in the arm when returning a ball to him. Do you think he broke it?”

Horatio nodded. “I wouldn’t be surprised. He said not at the time, but I think that was sheer bravado.”

“Did you notice how one or two of their players contrived to knock into Julius? It hardly seemed accidental.”

“They were lucky to have Mark Antony or they’d have collapsed completely.”

“I think you might find that Mark Antony was the cause of the collapse in the first place,” Claudius said, having wandered over to join them.

“How do you make that out?” Hamlet asked.

“Julius brought in wonder boy as an all-rounder. He’s recently moved to their village from the city, where, incidentally, he played in some fairly high class teams. I gather there’s a certain amount of jealousy among their players, long-time residents, who suspect they may find themselves being moved down the pecking order.”

“Isn’t Julius aware of this?” Horatio asked.

“If he is, which is unlikely, he wouldn’t care, as far as he’s concerned having the best cricket team is all important. Oh and Cleo, the girlfriend, has been very high-handed with the other wives and girlfriends, she’s even been rumoured to be saying she won’t help with the teas.”

“That wouldn’t go down well,” Hamlet said. “But is this just rumour, or, wait a minute, Claudius, where did those rumours come from?”

Claudius shrugged. “Well, I did say I’d think of a way to let us win.”

“But that’s preposterous! What am I going to do about it?”

“Enjoy the fact that for once we’re not near the bottom of the league!” Horatio replied.