Title: First Steps
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Major Character Death (Bobby), Character Bashing
Fandom: 9-1-1
Relationships: Evan Buckley/Tommy Kinard
Tags: Getting Back Together, 8.15/8.16 Speculation, Grief, Angst
Summary: Sometimes, letting go is the best thing.
Word Count: 7,718



Buck looked at the picture posted by Hen to her personal Instagram. He swallowed as he saw the edge of the pink cake on the table. That was confusing because Maddie was having a boy.

Chim had told them all that a few weeks ago, after Maddie had gotten settled at home after her ordeal.

The next image was a laughing one of Maddie looking at the cake and looking dismayed.

Buck didn't even know that they were going to do a gender reveal for Jee and the other kids. He felt a little left out there.

Was it because he didn't have a kid? Would Eddie and Chris have been invited to it if they had been here?

Buck shut off his screen, and then he thought better about it. He got back into it and closed down Instagram. He didn't need to be reminded of that when he got back into it. The background of his phone caught his eye, and he thought about what he and Maddie had talked about.

Him being alone.

Which was kind fo shit but Buck had thought that maybe she was right. He just hadn't realized that she meant him being fully alone. That she was going to leave him out of things that were family-oriented. He was going to miss scenes with his niece because he didn't have a kid.

Buck looked around his place and thought about what he had been doing when he had gone back to the shelter for Blaze. It had been a need for something to cling to. There had been no thought in his head other than not being alone.

Decision made, Buck got up. He headed for the door, grabbing his keys and slipping his phone into his pocket. He was good with rash decisions, and he would make them as needed because he didn't want to have something that he was going to regret.

The drive was too long as Buck tried not to second-guess what he was doing.

"Mister Buckley, we heard about what happened," the lady who had helped him before said as he came in the door.

"Yeah, I'm glad he's back with his family now. I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me, and his family is super happy."

"Looking for someone else?"

"Yeah, would I need to fill out another application?"

"No, they are good for a certain time, and given what happened the last time, I would just fudge things a little bit. Sandy is in the back, and she's doing a check. You can head back to see if anyone else intrigues you."

Buck smiled at her and headed back the way he had before. The new shelter wasn't rebuilt yet, so they were still working out of other shelters for the animals that they had.

"Buck," Sandy said.

"Hey, I wanted to see if anyone else might like to come home with me."

"Well, we have more than a few new guys in here. The kennels with red tags are the ones that were a little more shy."

Buck looked down the row, and there weren't too many red tags. Buck got to his knees in front of the first kennel and looked at the dog inside it.

No one called to him like last time, even if he had been there mostly to get Blaze.

"Not like last time?" Sandy asked when Buck had just one kennel left.

"No, but that's okay because this needs to happen when it happens. I can't force it, or it won't be as good.

Buck crouched in front of the last kennel and saw it wasn't just a single animal. It was two cats and a dog.

"We have no idea on their name. They have moved from shelter to shelter around the city. They were found by animal control about two months ago. They don't like to be apart."

The cats came to the edge of the kennel, and Buck held out his hand so they could sniff him. He waited to see what they would do, and when one of them purred so loud, Buck smiled. He reached a finger through to scratch at the one he could reach.

"I'll close the door, and then I'll let them out. The cats are the ones in control, so don't be shocked if the dog stays back at first."

Buck laughed, and he looked at the dog who was still in the back of the kennel. Sandy shut the door to the area, and then she came over and opened the kennel door. The cats darted out and rushed at Buck, sniffing him more. He let them decide what they wanted, and when the one started to headbutt his hand, he started to pet it.

"Gnders?"

"All three males," Sandy said.

"Aren't you a pretty boy," Buck said as the orange cat crawled into his lap. The black one was staying back and just loving on what he could reach of him. The dog finally started to come out of the kennel and then sniffed his shoes. There were a few seconds where the dog seemed to be thinking about what he wanted to do before he just slumped over Buck's legs.

"Well, I guess I should have Riley start the paperwork for getting you a trio of pets."

Buck laughed, and he nodded. He looked at them and was happy to have someone who liked him. They were animals and so didn't have as many issues as humans.

"They are all still growing; they are nearly adults, though, so they won't get much bigger. Think of names for them, and then we will get the system here taken care of. They were seen by a vet clinic, and we can make sure their files are gotten for you to give to wherever you want to take them. The names are very generic, but there are images."

Buck looked at them, and he petted the black cat before he picked him up. "I think you look like a Shadow. What do you think of that name?"

Shadow purred a little harder. Buck pulled him close to give him a little more love. He loved how soft Shadow's fur was. He was a long-haired cat, so he was going to have to look up how to keep his coat pretty and shiny.

The orange cat came over and started to beg for attention, so Buck picked him up, and the cat started to give him a what-for with his meows.

"Oh, you are a little sassy cat. So that's going to be your name. Sassy."

Sassy started to butt his head into Buck's chin so he tucked him close as the dog crept up Buck's legs. When the dog got his head down to where his nose was pressed to Buck's body, he reached down and petted his head.

"I guess that the name that is left is Chance, right?" Buck asked as he made the dog look up at him. "Yeah, you are a chance all the way through."

"You are going to make me cry," Sandy said.

Buck laughed, and he kept paying attention to his pets. He had a lot of shopping to do, and he would need to make sure that anything else he bought would be easy for him to carry inside while also making sure that they got a good bit of time in the house with him. He would need to figure out someone to come over during the day and at least let Chance out to run in the backyard. There were so many thoughts in his head about what he needed to do.

He was going to make himself happy if it was the last thing that he did. Starting with his three new best friends.

---

The house wasn't silent anymore. He had no idea what it was going to be like when he wasn't there, but at least it wasn't silent. He had found a person to come and let Chance out while he was gone for work; one of the staffers at the pet store did her shifts there, and all three of them liked her enough that she had been allowed to let them out while she helped Buck shop for everything that he needed.

Buck had bought a massive bed that would fit all three of them as well as a few smaller ones for the cats that he could put places for them and then another bed for Chance that would allow him to settle there without the cats if he wanted, or the cats could sleep in it together. There was probably too much stuff, but whatever didn't get used in a timely manner was going to go to a shelter to be given to people who didn't have a lot of money and were adopting because they were lonely.

He had already taken so many pictures of the animals that he was debating making a separate Insta account and posting a lot of pictures of them on there. He could make it so that there was nothing of him in it. A way to keep anonymous and still get some fun in the world. Connect with other pet people.

Buck settled on the floor and allowed Chance to drape himself over his lap. It was the dog's favorite place to sit so Buck was going to have to figure out something to allow that to happen more by getting something that he could sit on that would make his ass not go numb. He worked on setting up the Instagram account and would make sure there was nothing connected to his personal or public accounts. He posted a few pictures to it and tagged things that would get it seen, then set aside his phone to allow people to follow him and message shit without him looking.

Sassy climbed into his lap as soon as Chance got off him to walk over and flop on where Shadow was asleep in the spot of sun from the window.

"I think I needed this more than I understood," Buck said as he trailed his fingers up and down Sassy's back.

Buck picked up his phone a while later and looked at the messages there. Maddie hadn't texted him anything about the whole thing going on at her place, and he wondered if this was his life because he had no kids. He had never felt like it before when Denny, May, and Harry had been younger. He had never felt like he was being pushed out for not having a kid.

It made him cry. The tears were silent, and he looked at the comments on his pictures already, and then he responded to a few, keeping it pretty tame when people commented on how fit he looked.

Then, there was a name that he knew well. Not many knew that Tommy had an Instagram account, but he did and had liked the pictures that Buck had posted. It felt wrong to have Tommy doing that and not knowing it was him.

Buck opened his texting app and debated what to say to Tommy. There was a lot that he could do. He could ignore all of it. But he didn't want to.

Buck: I wanted to give you a heads-up. So that you don't feel like you are being misled about anything.

Buck then sent a picture he had taken with Chance behind him on the couch with the two cats in his lap. He hadn't posted it, but it had become his lock screen.

Tommy started to type something. Then he stopped. Then started again. Then it stopped, and the dots disappeared.

Buck swallowed, and the tears started again. He closed his texting app and tossed his phone behind him on the couch.

Maddie was right that he needed to get used to being alone because no one could handle him for who he was, and he knew one thing after Tommy. That he was never going to find someone who could handle him. He would just have to live his life alone, being cut off from everyone because he didn't have what they had: a partner in life and in love, and then the worst of it all, kids.

Maybe the whole thing with his parents never loving him should have been the clue he needed that he was never going to be loved because parents are supposed to love their kids no matter what they do.

Buck was still on the floor with his animals all over him when the knock came at the door. He debated just ignoring it. It wasn't like it could be anyone important. He wasn't important to anyone because he had no one. It was like the world had shifted with one single set of pictures posted by Hen about a family event that he hadn't been invited to.

Maddie had come to LA to find refuge with Buck, but she had chosen Chim and stayed for him. She lived for Chim and for Jee, for which Buck was ever so thankful, but it meant that he should have realized then that he wasn't going to be her priority ever again.

When Maddie had been taken, even Eddie hadn't comforted Buck; he had gone right for Chim. It was like Buck as the brother didn't exist anymore. That Chim and Jee were important, and they were, but that meant that Buck wasn't anymore.

The knock came louder this time. Buck looked at the door. He had no energy to get up. The door was unlocked, and if it were someone who really cared, they would come inside the house.

Buck closed his eyes as he heard the knob turning. He didn't want to see who it was and thought that maybe if he ignored them, they would go away.

The soft footsteps came closer, and there was just silence.

Buck knew exactly who it was, and he didn't know what to think of Tommy rising over here after that message.

"Hey, boy, found yourself a good owner, did you?"

Buck opened his eyes at Tommy's words. He saw that Chance was looking at Tommy, and his tail wagged.

"We were called to a fire closer to where the station is since we were closest. These guys were running around. The cats didn't want anything to do with me, but this guy came over to sniff us when the fire was put out. I hated calling animal control, but they needed to be safe. Imagine my shock when I was scrolling around on Insta today when I saw pictures of them." Tommy was smiling at Chance before he reached out his hand.

Chance stretched out to him but didn't leave Buck's lap.

Of course, Tommy only came over to see the animals. There was no reason to come over to see Buck. Which was about the normal for everything.

"Did you come over to convince me to give you them? Since you have such a bond from before?"

There was no sound, and it went on for a long while. When Buck risked a look at Tommy, Tommy was just staring at him, looking like his world was collapsing.

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

"What do you mean? I'm Buck. I'm okay."

"No, you are Evan, and you are very much not fine." Tommy reached out and laid his hand on Buck's knee, where Chance wasn't lying anymore.

"Give me an hour, and I'll be fine. I'll shove down the parts of me that everyone hates, and then I'll be the perfect person again, one who does everything that everyone else needs and sheds off everything that is not needed to help him with his life. To leave pieces of myself everywhere and never get them back. To be given out piece by piece and never get anything from anyone in return."

"Oh, Evan. Oh, baby." Tommy looked like the words broke his heart.

Chance whined and moved up Buck's body more.

"Don't pity me. I'm fine. I'll be fine. Just leave, and you don't have to think about me again."

"I think that you and I need to talk."

"I can't," Buck said. He felt like he was on a knife's edge because he felt raw, like his world was crashing, and Tommy was trying to stop it, but if he did, there would be no going back.

Tommy walking out that door would break him in the worst way, and he knew there would be no way back. There would be no putting him back together in a way that would result in a happy life.

"Please," Buck begged.

"No, I'm done running away. I'm done retreating because I'm hurting and afraid. I'm done with trying to hide what I want. If you don't want the same, that's fine. I'll walk out that door and never darken your doorstep again, Evan, but you will have to tell me to leave and that you don't love me."

Buck opened his mouth. He tried to close it because he needed to get his thoughts in order, but there was so much on his mind that he was afraid of the wrong thing coming out.

He wasn't even sure what the wrong thing would be in this case. Was it the wrong thing for Tommy to leave or to stay? Was it breaking his heart in a way that it would never recover from? Was it taking a chance on having happiness in his life again?

"I..." Buck snapped his mouth shut and exhaled, looking away from Tommy. He had no idea what he wanted. He had no idea what he needed. He just knew that he needed something that was just for him. Someone who was his. Who would put him first all the time? Tommy had done that time and again. "I'm not in love with Eddie. I've never been attracted to him. I thought about it after I talked to Maddie after that night. I went back through so much of my life and settled men into being attracted to them, and just wanting to be friends with them. Eddie was firmly in the friends. I know that saying that his straight wasn't exactly the best answer to what you said. It hurt me that you were happy he was gone. It hurt me that someone I love so much leaving made you happy."

"I didn't mean it the way that I think you took it. I wanted you in my life, and I was afraid that you would always pick Eddie over me, even when I needed you, which was just my insecurities rearing up. I think that in a way, we are matching when it comes to that. I want to try again, but I think that maybe right now, you need a friend more than you need a lover."

"I need someone who is going to put me first when I need to be put first, lover or friend, I don't care. Who isn't going to back away if I need a little more from them for a while and don't give as much?"

"You give. You give so much more than anyone else in my life. I'm sorry for what I have done as part of this to make you feel like you would never be loved by someone." Tommy scooted closer, and he cupped the sides of Buck's cheeks. "I love you. I love you so much that it ripped my heart out to leave you that morning, but I was so afraid of asking for something that would rip out my heart."

"We were both idiots, but we hurt each other. You can't leave me like that again. I think it would break me, Tommy."

Tommy kissed the top of Buck's head. "Maybe couple's therapy? We could work on getting things out in there that we are afraid of saying that would hurt each other and work out ways to work them out with someone there who is going to make sure that we don't take things the wrong way."

"Yeah, we can do that. I have work tomorrow, but maybe the day after?"

"That sounds good; we can figure some things out and go from there," Tommy said.

Sassy meowed at Tommy and then jumped onto his shoulder, purring as he rubbed all over him.

"I think that Sassy likes you."

"That's good because I kind of like his human a lot and it would suck if they didn't like me."

Buck laughed, and for the first time since the first time that Tommy had walked out that door, he felt like maybe he could breathe deeply.

---

Buck held onto his phone, and he thought about everything. Bobby kept everything from them, and then, at the point after Chim had been saved, Bobby revealed what was wrong with him.

"I've lived on borrowed time, and there is nothing that I can think is the best way that I can die than saving someone else who has so much. I've known love, and I can let go."

There had been nothing they could do but listen to Bobby dying as the stupid thing he caught killed him quicker than it had killed Chim.

Buck hadn't been able to be there for Bobby. He died alone.

No, not alone. They had all been there for him over the radio.

Athena hadn't been able to handle it, and she had broken down on the radio with him as she said her goodbyes.

Everyone who came to be with Athena bypassed Buck, which was right. Athena was losing her husband, but there was no one for him.

There was no one who was coming to hold him while he broke down as a man he loved as his father had died. Buck had sobbed in that tunnel as Bobby had died. Then he had gotten his feet under him to get out of there.

His entire body was numb, and Buck had no idea what to do now. Everyone was paying attention to Athena. Even when Buck had called Eddie to tell him, Eddie had been worried about Athena and getting time to head back to LA for the funeral. Eddie had gone into mission mode.

Tommy: I'm outside.

Buck looked at where everyone was, and he caught Hen's eyes. He waved toward the exit, and she nodded, her attention snapping back to Athena. Hen should have been in the ICU, but she was being stubborn and had forced her way out of medical care to be able to sit around Chim's bedside with the rest of them as they worried more about Athena in the wake of what happened.

Checking his phone, Buck found that Tommy was actually on the roof. He had no clue how he had gotten clearance for that, given everything, but Buck was happy all the same. He headed for the stairs that would take him to the level where he could get on the elevator that would take him to the roof. He hoped that no one would question what he was doing. He was still feeling numb, and having to fly back to Harbor before going home wasn't something he wanted to do, but he would do it because it meant being with Tommy.

He hadn't had a chance to tell anyone about Tommy. There hadn't been time. He hadn't even told Bobby. Bobby didn't know about it when he died. That set off new tears.

Miriam was standing outside of the bird when Buck got out of the elevator. He looked at where Tommy was behind the stick. He was glad of that. Miriam waved at him to go around and get in. She had the headset for him in her hand. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but talking wasn't anything he wanted. Miriam thankfully didn't hug him when he took the headset and got it settled on his head.

Tommy only reached over and laid his hand on Buck's knee, squeezing before he put his hand back where it belonged to get them out of there.

"How did you approve this?"

"We had priority transport. I wasn't done getting shit done from the last rescue, so I just went up again since the refueling was done. We brought them here because I was getting your texts."

"I was reading them to him."

Buck nodded. He looked back at Miriam, who only smiled at him and nodded her head. They weren't going to bring it up.

"Jake brought Tommy's truck to the station, and it's parked near where we will land. He'll get a ride back with me. I drove us in today. We won't head over to his place or yours if you don't want us, but we are on hand for anything you need."

"I wanna go home and get in bed," Buck said. It was all he wanted. He needed to get his head cleared so that when the time came for the funeral, he wasn't going to be a sobbing mess. He needed to make sure that he was ready for that. He needed time to settle himself. The ache would take a lot of time to go away, but he could at least figure out what he would be able to do in the coming days. The shift would be off for a while, and mostly, there was going to be no one in the station for that point in time. The other shifts would still come in for their turns, but there would be someone in the station for the time. There were just too many of them injured in some way, with Chim and Hen needing to be in the hospital and then Bobby.

Buck heard the radio change, and he looked out the window. Tommy and Miriam could talk about what they needed. Buck didn't need to listen to that. He watched the city. The city didn't know that it had lost such a good man. He didn't want to be in the world, but he knew that the pain would lessen with time. He knew that this could be recovered from. It might have taken Bobby a while to get over everything that had been around the fire, the death of his wife and his children, and if Bobby could do it, Buck could do this.

"Remy is waiting for us," Tommy said over the main channel.

Buck looked down, and he could see where Tommy's captain was standing. Buck really didn't want to talk to him, but he had allowed this. He had allowed Tommy to come and get him. Buck could make small talk. He could do whatever was needed to get him the fuck out of there.

Remy stepped up to open Buck's door as Tommy shut the helicopter down.

"You three clear out of here. I'll handle taking care of this. Go."

Buck slipped out of his seat, and he skirted around Remy. He would take being dismissed. He had planned on hanging out in Tommy's truck alone as Tommy didn't like not taking care of the post-flight care of the helicopter, but maybe this time, they could settle for that.

"Your gear from your lockers is in the truck bed, and if you make a shield, you and Elder can change out of your stuff, Kinard."

"Okay, yeah, that sounds good."

Buck headed for the truck, and he slipped inside. He didn't want to be on display any longer than he needed to be. It wouldn't help with anything if people came over to him. At least in the truck, he wasn't something people would stare at. He checked his phone and found that Eddie had gotten on a flight back to LA. He would land soon. He was going to take an Uber from the airport. Miriam was the first into the truck, her eyes locked ahead. Tommy was outside on his underwater but at least covered enough that no one was really going to care as he got his pants on. The driver's side door opened for him to get his socks and then boots on. He laced up the boots with his foot propped on the rim of the truck.

"Miriam, do you and Jake mind going and getting Eddie from the airport, then taking him where he wants to go?"

"You don't want us to take him to you?"

"I don't think he'll want to come to me," Buck said. He knew the look that would pass between them, so he didn't look.

"Okay, then, sure. I'm sure that Diaz isn't going to mind us getting him."

"I'll make sure he knows that someone will be coming to get him. He's been on a plane since just before you guys picked me up."

Tommy reached over and he laid his hand on Buck's knee, holding on tight, the only anchor that was keeping where he was.

---

Buck woke up, and he knew he wasn't alone. He didn't have Tommy with him, but he knew that he had at least Chance. He could feel the dog's weight on his body. He didn't open his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the weight on him. He wanted to have anything else to focus on that wasn't the gaping hole in his chest, but there was no hiding from it. He shifted a little, and Chance got up off him and laid down beside him. Buck rolled to his back and was happy when Chance got even closer. Sassy was the first cat to jump up on top of him, and then he felt the weight land on his legs and knew that Shadow was down there. Shadow loved to sleep on his legs most.

Finding his phone was a little hard because it ended up under Chance. He checked his messages and found where Miriam had messaged him that they had dropped off Eddie at the hospital to see Hen and Chim before leaving him with their car, taking the SUV with them. Buck was glad that Eddie had some kind of transport while he was in LA. There was a lot of stuff going on, and he didn't need to be trapped and rely on Uber.

Tommy cleared his throat from the doorway. Buck looked over at him.

"Hungry?"

"No, but I know that I need to eat. Anyone stop by?"

Tommy hesitated, and Buck knew that meant that no one had, and he didn't want to say it. Buck smiled at him, hoping that he took it as something that was okay.

"I'm going to check my messages and then take a shower."

"I'll start something simple for a meal then." Tommy walked over and petted Chance before leaning over and kissing Buck on his forehead. He lingered there like he wanted to make sure that Buck knew that he was there for him. "Miriam, let me know how things went with Eddie. They were not good."

Buck knew that Eddie was going to be focused on Chim, Hen, and Athena in this. They were all important, but Buck knew that he was as well, but he wasn't going to get attention from them.

"I'll get done with her and head out there."

"Okay. I'll make some tea as well."

Buck was left alone with the animals, which was just fine with him. He responded to a few messages from various people from the 118 who were not the tight-knit group that Buck was used to. He was glad at least some of them were checking on him. It meant that he wasn't being an idiot about having to have some attention in this.

It was an hour later that Buck finally made it out into the main parts of the house. He knew that Tommy would have known it would take him a while. He felt like he was moving through molasses.

Buck had just entered the kitchen when a knock sounded through the house. He frowned but turned around to answer the door. He just stood there and stared when he opened the door. It was May and Harry. Their eyes were still red-rimmed. Buck stepped back only when May moved to hug him. Buck held onto her, and he ducked his head down. He felt Harry hug him on his side. He unhooked an arm from May to wrap around him. He had no idea why the kids were there but was happy to see them.

"Mom sent us to make sure that you are okay," May said.

"She doesn't need to worry about me, but I'm happy to see you all the same."

"Evan, who is at the door?" Tommy asked as he came into the living room. "Oh."

"Who is that?" Harry asked as he pulled away from Buck.

May looked at him, a little confused, before her eyes widened. "I knew I knew that voice."

"Evan?" Tommy asked as he took in the Grant children staring at him.

"Tommy met Athena's kids, and Bobby's step children, May and Harry Grant."

"Tommy, as in your ex-boyfriend?" May asked.

"My current boyfriend. Are you guys hungry? I'm sure that whatever Tommy made me eat is going to be more than enough for you two to eat some of it as well."

"Is he a good cook?" Harry asked, his voice low but more than loud enough for Tommy to hear.

May shoved her brother, but he didn't even move.

"He is a good cook. Not nearly as good as...me, but good enough." Buck didn't like that he almost said it.

"You can say it. He's not nearly as good as Bobby and you," May said.

Buck nodded.

May linked her arm with Buck, and they headed into the kitchen.

Tommy had it set up so they could get their food in there and then eat in the dining area. It was soup that smelled wonderful and then sandwiches. There was more than enough made up so they could all have a sandwich and more of the soup than Tommy had probably planned.

"I think that Mom needed some time alone. I don't think that she wanted to have a big breakdown with us there," Harry said.

"I left Evan alone with the animals in the bedroom and allowed him to cry himself to sleep. Sometimes, people do need time alone to process grief truly. I needed that when I found out that my mother died."

"How did she die?" May asked.

"She was sick, and my father never told me. Didn't tell me about her dying either. I found out when I came home on leave, and the first person I saw yelled at me for not showing up for her funeral. The utter devastation on her face as I took in her words told Mildred that I didn't know, and she drove me to her grave, left me alone there, and came back to pick me up later. While I was grieving, she got things together and made my father give her all of my stuff, and then she found out that he had put it into a storage unit and he had planned on lapsing on the paying of it as soon as he could make the town hate him."

"That sucks." Harry looked like he wanted to ask other things, but he didn't.

"Yeah, so then I went to a JAG lawyer, and I made friends with him, and then there was a whole big thing where they got me what I needed to get my mother's body dug up and her body cremated. Got him thrown in jail as well because the looking into things that JAG had done found that he hadn't cared for her and paid off the coroner to say that she died of her illness when she never should have if she were cared for."

"Where are her ashes?" May asked.

"I took them out to sea and spread them because it was what she wanted. I had to wait for my next leave, but I did it. I kept a small amount of them in an urn that holds a place of honor in my living room."

"So you know about burying a parent," May said.

"I do. It sucks and I don't wish on anyone but especially people who haven't lived their life with kids. I wish my mom could have seen a kid of mine, but I have to think she's watching over me right now. Seeing my life." Tommy looked at Buck, and he gave him a wan smile.

Buck hoped that Bobby was looking over him and that he would be there if Buck ever had kids, no matter how the kid was acquired.

A knock at the door had Tommy looking over in a little bit of horror.

"I'll get it," Tommy said.

Buck focused on his food. There was silence in the wake of Tommy leaving to head to get the door. Buck wasn't sure if he could handle anyone being there right now. They were all in shock about the death. Chim was getting better in the hospital, and Hen was probably at least forced to rest by Karen. Buck knew he should be there for Maddie right now, with Maddie being pregnant and then having Jee. He just couldn't take being around them and no one saying shit.

No voices carried in. Buck looked up to see if he could see who was out there, but the hallway that made a pseudo hallway blocked him from seeing anything. He stood up just as Athena came around the corner. She was dressed as she had been the last time he had seen her. She looked wrecked.

"Mom, you didn't drive here, did you?" May asked as he jumped up from the table. She rushed over to her mother.

"No, no, I didn't. I took my car to the airport. Your father and David are on their way here. I took it there, dropped it off, and then got an Uber here. I figured that I could go home with you."

"You must have left right after we did," Harry said. He stood up and waved for Athena to sit down when she came toward the table.

Buck looked round for another seat, but Tommy just moved things around a little and made a spot for him there closer to Buck with the one rolling stool he had gotten to use a prop for his foot when he was at the table if he needed it.

"Soup?" Tommy asked.

"Thanks, Tommy, that would be lovely." Athena looked at Buck with a smile on her lips. It didn't go to her eyes, but she at least looked calm. "Keeping secrets?"

"More like there was no time to tell anyone we reconnected just before the shift. I wasn't keeping it from anyone. There were just more important things going on."

Tommy came back into the room with a bowl of soup and a half sandwich on the plate the bowl was sitting on. "We just had turkey left, is that fine?"

"Yes, it's fine, Tommy. Sit down and eat." Athena picked up her spoon and swirled it into the soup. "I thought I wanted to be alone, but I wanted to be anywhere but that apartment. The house isn't ready for even a single room to be moved into."

"You can stay with us, Mom," Harry said.

Athena smiled at Harry. "Thanks, baby. I'll probably take you up on that. Let Michael and David stay at the apartment. That works for me."

Harry reached out and laid his hand over Athena's where it was resting on the table. She lifted her spoon to take a sip of the soup. She looked down at the soup.

"This is good. Who made it?"

"I did, Sergeant Grant," Tommy said.

"It's good, and please, call me Athena. I think that we are going to get to know each other a lot more than just our jobs crossing over the next while."

"'Thena," Buck said.

"Hush, he didn't birth you, but he loved you as much as if he did. He's not going to be able to be there for you after this, but I can. I'm not leaving you behind. We will figure ourselves out as we deal with the loss of a man that we both loved so dearly."

Buck started to cry again, but this time, it didn't feel like it was going to stop. This time, it didn't feel like his soul was being crushed out of him.

---

Buck watched as Shadow chased Sassy around the yard with Chance lazing in the sun. Tommy was behind him, holding him close like he had been over the last while. Tommy was never far from him. It should have felt smothering, but it didn't. He was back at work the next day, and while Chim was going to be back, he was on light duty, and Hen was back with full duties.

The funeral had sucked so much. He was glad that he hadn't had to work under Gerrard, and when he next worked, it would be under Hen as their captain. Gerrard hadn't lasted long because he had tried to be on his best but had turned into a hellbeast again who said things that skirted the line of the shit he had got the 118 taken from him the first time.

"How is Athena really doing?" Tommy asked.

"She's doing as good as she could. Before, when she lost Emmett, she had something to focus on—trying to find his killer. In this case, we know the killer, both the one who caused what ended up being his cause of death and the cause of death. She can't rail against something like that. She can make sure that the book is thrown at Moira for what she did, but that's about the end of it. The DoD is going to make sure that Moira can't hurt anyone else with her crazy crap."

Buck heard the side gate open up, and he looked to see Eddie standing there. He looked a little shocked at seeing Tommy but he also looked a little bit pissed off. Buck wasn't sure if that was at himself or Buck, but Buck wasn't going to let him vent his spleen at him.

"You said a dog, not two cats and a dog. Do I even want to know what you called them?"

"Chance is the dog, Shadow the black cat, and the orange one is Sassy. He is very sassy, too, so don't try to touch him. Chance will bite you if he thinks you're hurting his friend."

"You bonded with them pretty quickly. Should you have got them like this?"

"I had them before Bobby died. By a day, but still. I made the decision to get them before I was that full of grief."

"Hen and Chim are on their way over to talk about work and you guys going back. You weren't answering your phone, so Hen wanted me to come and make sure that you were okay. I realized that we really haven't checked on you at all. I've been focused on Chim and Hen with a little bit of Athena, and you were forgotten. I'm sorry." Eddei came over closer and looked at how Tommy was holding onto Buck. "At least someone was taking care of you. Tommy, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing pretty good. All things considered. This also happened before Bobby. Just so you don't have a thought about making him think that maybe this isn't a good idea."

Buck leaned back into Tommy a little more, letting him take the lead here. He didn't need the protection, but it was kind of nice to have someone who was willing to do it.

"You guys have dinner plans?"

"Was gonna order pizza when it was time. Why?" Tommy asked.

"We can go ahead and order that, and then it'll be here closer to when Hen and Chim get here."

Buck felt the question in Tommy's body. "Sure."

"Good. I'll place the order. I think I remember what they like, and if they don't, well, they can live with what we have."

"Mercenary."

Tommy just stared at Eddie.

Buck was pretty sure that Tommy would have fought with Eddie if Buck hadn't been there. He didn't really want any fighting to happen, so he planned to stay close to Tommy. Tommy shifted only far enough away from Buck to where he could place the order on his phone.

Chance took them, not tossing out Eddie to come over and see what the man was all about.

"Chance you said?" Eddie asked as he crouched down to let the dog sniff him.

"Yeah, Chance. He's a pretty good dog. He lets the cats protect him but also protects the hell out of them as well. They sleep in the same bed if they aren't sleeping with me. It's adorable. They and Tommy are the only reason I'm ready to go back to work."

"I'm not going to ask if you are ready because I have no place even to think that I could say if you do or don't. I know that in the scope of things, over the last while, you have been forgotten about. No one has really checked on you."

Buck shrugged. He knew where he stood, and if that wasn't where he stood with all of them, then they needed to prove it because he was done chasing after them. They would either want to be his friend outside of work and prove that they mean it by stepping up, or they wouldn't. He had Tommy; it was all that mattered in the grand scheme of things.

This was the first step in everything, and this time, he had support to make sure that he didn't fall back to like he was before, when he gave up everything for everyone without leaving anything for himself.

The End