The first sign came when Buck had been shopping. Tommy's favorite dessert ingredients were on sale. He couldn't help but buy them. Of course, when he got home, he had to make it, and then he had to do something with it. It wasn't like the rest of the stuff. This was for Tommy. So Buck took it to his place, and when he was going to drop it off, Miriam was right there, looking at him. Buck debated what he was going to do as he stood there with the desert in his hands.

Miriam nodded toward her place, and Buck dutifully trotted toward her place with the dessert in hand. He found that Jake wasn't home with was good because as much as they were Tommy's best friends, buck got on well with Jake and missed him. He missed Miriam as well, but she was firmly in the territory of Eddie's place in Buck's life.

"You haven't come around," Miriam said.

"I...didn't think that I would be allowed to be here."

"You are our friend. Eddie's come around. Tommy said you demanded that Eddie not lose his friend over this, so I assumed you would come around."

"Eddie and Tommy were friends outside of Eddie's friendship and Tommy's relationship with me."

Miriam just shook her head. She took the dessert from Buck and set it down on the counter before moving around to make tea. Buck sat down at the table like he had done dozens of times before.

"Tommy's scared," Miriam said.

"I know."

"And yet you aren't helping with that fear."

"I don't know how to do it. I've spent the last few weeks baking. Every single time I want to call him, go see him, hell even text him, I bake."

"Hence the dessert," Miriam said.

"The Mississippi Mud Cake? Yeah. I found all the stuff for it on sale and couldn't help it. Then I knew I could never eat all that, and things are strange at the station right now when I bring in anything I've baked."

Miriam came back to the table to sit while the water was boiling. She reached out and covered Buck's hand with her own. "You can bring them here, and I'll make sure they find a good home. Like this. I'll keep this here and let Tommy try and figure out how I got it since I told him that I was never going to make it again after I made it when he was laid up once."

Buck laughed a little at that.

Miriam got up again when the kettle clicked and worked on brewing the tea. She set down two cups and then settled into the chair again.

"You look better than I thought you would."

Buck shrugged. he didn't look at her as he stirred the spoon in his tea to get the water moved around before he picked up the sugar and added that touch of sugar that he liked. He still didn't look up at her because he didn't need to see that look on her face. He knew what she wanted him to say, which was anything about how not well he was doing besides the baking.

"Tommy looks like shit. He and Jake are out right now because Jake's afraid that he's going to end up just never leaving his place again unless it's for work or something else like that."

Buck wasn't happy that Tommy felt like shit. Buck felt like shit.

"I learned a long time ago to not chase after the people who don't want me in their life," Buck said.

The next noise from Miriam was one that Buck had never heard from her, but still, he didn't look up at her. he just stared at his tea as the water darkened and the leaves brewed in the water. He hadn't meant to say that. He had meant to say something else but then had been stuck with the thoughts in his head. It was kind of shitty to say something like that to Miriam. Buck didn't need her mad at Tommy. He didn't want anyone to think either of them was more to blame for the breakup.

Obviously, Buck had read into the relationship more than what Tommy had been putting in. It was never a future thing for Tommy, just a hey, here you go, a good boyfriend for your first, and I'm going to move on when it seems like you are getting too attached because you don't know what you want. That was the part that still just made Buck want to throw up.

Buck knew that he had jumped the gun and bum-rushed Tommy about the whole moving in, and he had said the wrong shit cause he just tenant to ask Tommy for them to move in together, not Tommy just moving in with Buck. He had fucked up, and he regretted it, but when he thought about texting Tommya bout it, there was this fear that Tommy didn't care. Tommy had just been there for Buck's first, and then he was gone. He only stayed around cause the sex was good. Then Tommy told him he didn't know what he wanted and needed to do other things.

"So, are you dating?"

"No, just fucking around. I downloaded the hookup apps again and then got a new one that I heard was really good for bisexual people. I don't even do that often; just looking to see what is on offer. My last hookup was in the bathroom of a club that Hen and Karen dragged me to because moping was getting on their nerves."

"I think I know someone that you might like. How about I set up a double date?"

"Raincheck?" Buck asked, finally looking up at her.

"Of course, I'll wait for that text and there needs to be other texts. So, tell me all about what is going on at the 118. cause I don't have my fix in hearing those stories from Tommy anymore."

Buck snorted and picked up his tea to take a sip before he found it was perfect and took the tea bag out.

---

The second sign was when they were dealing with a fire, and there was a guy who was more worried about his car than his family. One of his kids was still stuck in the house, and the guy only cared about the car that was stuck in the garage even though the garage was detached and there was no fire close to it at all.

When the whole thing was put out, Athena handed the wife a card to a cheap but good divorce attorney. Buck was the one who was sent inside the garage to clear it to make sure there was no fire inside of it, and he found it was a car that Tommy had been wanting to restore for a long time. This was sone was restored or had been in perfect condition when the guy bought it or something.

Buck just stared at it as his light lit up the room. It was beautiful and looked like the kind of car they could have taken out on a trip, the top down with the wind in their hair. The smile on Tommy's face as he drove was right there in Buck's mind. He could feel the sun on his face and how happy he would have felt to be with Tommy in this car after Tommy restored it.

"Sir, it's not been cleared!" Hen yelled.

Buck turned to meet the man to stop him, but the door he was beside flung at him, and it clipped him enough to send him off-kilter. He tripped over something in the dark, and then he went down. He heard the snap, and it took a few seconds for the pain to hit him. He groaned and reached for his radio with his good hand.

"Need a paramedic in here," Buck said.

"Who did you find?" Hen asked.

"No one. The door clipped me, and I heard the snap. I think my arm is broken."

There was nothing over the radio, but next was three people coming in the door, one of which was leading the man out of the garage while he screamed about how it was his place and he was going where he wanted. That he would have their jobs, he was happy that Athena had her body cam on, and it would record all of that.

Bobby and Hen leaned down to help Buck up. He wasn't sure where his flashlight was. This was why he wanted to have help to get up because he didn't need to go down again.

"Let's get you out of here, and we can see the damage," Hen said.

"Sure." Buck wasn't going to fight it. He knew his arm was broken, and that meant a trip to the ER.

The worst thing was that itmeant probably not baking for a while. He could maybe work on the recipe book that he wanted to compile. He could work on it and be happy with what it all was. That could at least keep him entertained until he could come back and do light duty at work. It would at least help him not become insane at being stuck at the loft alone, with just the memories to haunt him.

---

The third sign came when Buck was working on his recipe book. He had long before had a folder on his computer with recipes and then there was the paper ones that he had printed out. He had worked on the digital ones first, and those were easy to copy and paste, add his notes, and then other things to the document.

Then came the paper ones when he was able to focus enough to make sure that he wasn't messing them up. He wasn't sure where he had gotten all of them.

Until he came across the one that was Tommy's neat handwriting. Buck picked it up, and he looked at it. They had never got to make that one since Tommy didn't want to eat it too often. There had been a discussion the night before the anniversary dinner that they would do it the following weekend. Now it had been a month and the herbs that Buck had bought for it were long dead since they had been fresh like the recipe called for. He picked up his phone, and started to make an order at his preferred grocery store that did delivery. It was better than the Doordashing stuff since it was workers who did the delivery as well, and there was no fee if there was over a certain amount of things ordered, which Buck needed to do since he was home more. He got together an order for what he wanted and then set it to be delivered as soon as possible.

When he was done inputting the recipe into his document, he needed to go to the kitchen with the original. He pinned it to the cabinet by the stove and started to get out everything that he was going to need. It was going to take him all afternoon to make it since he would have to figure out certain ways to do things.

It was going to be the thing that finally allowed him to let go of Tommy. He would make this and then maybe burn the original recipe so that he didn't have that reminder of Tommy all the time. Then Buck was going to move on.

Moving on was always the hardest for Buck, but he could do it. He could let that final strand of love he felt for Tommy go and would be more than happy to move on. Buck knew he was worth more than just hookups. He would take that raincheck on the blind double date and be happy to have friends who did care about him.

Once everything in the kitchen was set up, Buck headed over to his record player and tried to figure out what kind of mood he was in. He found an album that he hadn't listened to in a while and put it. Eagles. A group he had found because of hearing about Hotel California for the first time. It had been life-changing, and he had become obsessed with the Eagles.

Buck turned away from the record player when the knock sounded on the door that his stuff was there. He smiled to himself as he headed for the door and opened it. It was his stuff, but it wasn't Nate dropping it off like the notification said it would be. No, Tommy was standing there with the bags of groceries. Buck could only stand there and stare at him. He had no idea what to say. He nearly shut the door before this wasn't supposed to happen.

This was the goodbye to Tommy and the future that he saw with him. This was the ritual of letting go of another person who didn't want him the way he wanted them. This was him being the bigger persona and letting him go.

"Are you okay?" Tommy asked, breaking the spell of Buck just staring at him.

"Yes. Sorry. I was expecting Nate, and it threw me into a loop."

"I met him as he was coming inside, and he remembered me. I offered to take them up."

"Oh, um, come in. I need to get everything put up." Buck thought about where the recipe was and could open the cabinet door to keep it invisible.

"I can help with that."

"Nah, I've got it." Buck reached out for the bags, but Tommy just sidestepped him and carried them into the kitchen. He glanced at the pans and everything else that was already out.

"Making something?"

"I was bored."

Tommy nodded, and he started to lay everything out of the bags to allow Buck to put everything where it went.

"What can I help you with?" Buck asked when Tommy said nothing as Buck worked on getting the staples put up.

Tommy didn't answer, and Buck paid attention to him and the things he had gathered in front of him. Everything that Buck ordered for the dish that he was going to make. Tommy turned and looked at where the recipe was hanging.

"Why?" Tommy asked.

Buck put the box of noodles down before he looked away from where Tommy was. "Because I needed to let go of you, and I thought this was a good bit of symbolism. I would think about things with you while making it and then say goodbye. Try to never think about you again because anything else isn't healthy."

"You were going to try and let me go just like that?"

"I mean, it's not like you are in my life anymore."

"No, but I want to change that. I've...been in therapy. Miriam threw me into it, or she wasn't going to speak to me again outside of work and work-related things."

Buck could see her saying that. He just didn't understand what it meant for him.

"And?" Buck asked after Tommy said nothing else.

"And I'm messed up. I thought I had a handle on all of the issues from my childhood. I guess that I didn't. I had a few rear their ugly heads and mess me up when it came to you. I want to fix things with you if they can be fixed."

"You gave me a second chance," Buck said.

"I did, but this isn't the same as that moment where Eddie freaked you out so much that you were pushed into coming out of hiding, and you hid in the worst way possible. I hurt you. I hurt myself. We were good, and I just threw a grenade in the middle of everything."

"I..." Buck sighed, and he walked around to stand beside Tommy. Tommy turned to him, and they looked into each other's eyes for a moment before Tommy looked away first.

"I'm sorry, Evan. I'm so sorry that I didn't give you a chance to say what you meant when I knew you had fumbled what you were saying. I'm sorry that things got so out of hand. Can you forgive me?"

Buck nodded because he could. He could forgive a lot of shit. It was the kind of guy he was. It was the forgetting that he never really did. He was good at remembering so that people didn't get forgiven for the same thing over and over again. "I can. I'm just...heart sore."

"And arm sore. You were really going to make this while only having one hand?"

"It was better than just sitting around and doing nothing. I'm already going kind of crazy with my arm being laid up. It's at least another week before my doctor will entertain me even going back for light duty where I don't touch a hose."

"That sucks. Maybe we can use that time to fix this?"

"That sounds good. Let's do this together then; how does that sound?" Buck asked.

"It sounds perfect."

Tommy leaned in, and Buck kissed his cheek before he moved to kiss his lips. The kiss felt like coming home. There was going to be a lot of work to get back to where they had been, but hopefully, it would be worth it.

The End