Buck walked into the bar and nearly turned back around when he saw Tommy in the corner. He had picked one he had never been to with Tommy or anyone from the 118. It was also about as far as one could get from Tommy's place without getting into the seediness that the places could be when on the edges of even LA.

Tommy was sitting in one of those circle booths with his body pressed to a man. There was a chunk of distance from the others to where Tommy and his new guy were.

That explained why Tommy said what he said. Buck wondered if Tommy had always planned on coming over, going to the movie, and then leaving Buck behind. It was probably why he had been so happy to have that parking spot; it would make for an easier exit out of the place when he had broken Buck's heart.

That love inside of Buck throbbed, and then it just kept on throbbing. Even seeing Tommy pressed to his date, it wasn't leaving him. Buck walked over to a small booth in the dark and sat down. He pulled up the website and put his seat number in before he ordered. He had wanted to have a good night, but it seemed like said good night was going to be him getting drunk and taking an Uber home while he watched Tommy with the guy he wanted to be with.

Buck wondered when Tommy had met him. They were together so much, and Buck talked to Tommy all the time. It had been one of the relationships that Buck had thought meant something. They wanted to be together all the time, and yet when they were apart, it was fine. Buck missed him, but not in a way that made him want to make Tommy do everything with him. That was toxic as fuck.

At least Tommy had been brave enough to break up with him instead of stringing him along while he figured out if he wanted to give up Buck for the side piece. It was at least something.

Eddie had to have no idea. Tommy and Eddie had stayed friends, which Buck had been fine with before now. But this made it seem like maybe it should be that Eddie didn't stay friends with him.

Buck hadn't wanted to move on. He didn't want to be with anyone but Tommy. More research into queer relationships had made him change his wording on how he talked about it. Bobby hadn't meant anything by comparing what Buck was doing to what people with addictions did, but it had stuck in his head. Tommy wasn't an addiction. He wasn't something that BUck needed to quit and treat like an addiction. No, this was a relationship that he needed to get over.

At least the baking had slowed down. Of course, that was partially because he had been hip-deep in helping Eddie figure out what he wanted. He was also pretty sure that the realtor they had talked to thought they were a couple, which was just fine because it felt like there were probably a lot of people who had thought that over the years.

It would be easier to love Eddie like he loved Tommy. Though that came with its own issues, to be honest. He felt like maybe there was a lot that would come to bite him on the ass when it came to this.

He looked at where Tommy was. Tommy hadn't noticed him. Hell, Tommy wasn't noticing anyone who wasn't at the table with him. He was still pressed to the other man, his arm thrown over his shoulder, holding him in place.

Buck thought about nights like that on Tommy's couch with a movie on the TV. It was Tommy's favorite way to sit when they were watching stuff or even just reading together on the couch. Buck ended up buying an older Kindle model that had buttons because it was easier to press them together.

The waitress dropped off his stuff, and Buck sipped at the cocktail before he made a face. He hadn't really paid attention to what he ordered. It was okay, but it was one of those drinks that he normally wouldn't have until he was a drink or two in because of the way the alcohol tasted. He didn't mind tequila but it was one of his least favorite alcohols. He looked at his phone and debated what he was going to order to drink next. He had pretzels with beer cheese ordered because then, at least, it would help soak up the drinks he was going to inhale while watching Tommy with his new boyfriend.

Nothing good was going to come from this, but he needed to see it through. He needed to see Tommy happy to get over him. He needed to let go of that one last thing—that there was no chance of ever getting back together with Tommy.

---

Buck picked up the boxes of stuffing that he needed for the casserole he was going to make. He had been meal prepping each week for his days off, picking one day to make enough food for the week, usually a few different things, and then freezing some of it as well. It was easy to do that kind of thing because it wasn't like he was going out and doing anything at all.

He stopped at the end of the aisle when he saw a couple down another. He looked at them; the guy was familiar, but Buck wasn't sure how. Then he saw it. It was Abby's husband. The woman with him had to be Abby but the toddler that was looking over her shoulder was like a slap in the face. He turned to leave before Abby saw him because he didn't think that he could take seeing Abby happy and with her husband with a kid. He remembered the husband had his own kids, and now it seemed that they had a kid together.

The rest of the shopping trip was strategic. He didn't go down an aisle without looking first. He didn't do anything without making sure that he was going to run into her. He even scanned all of his items on the app on his phone and then paid that way before stuffing them into his reusable bags. He stopped to let the person who watched the self-checkout scan what was on his phone and then let him leave. Buck didn't like to do it and liked to talk to the cashier as his stuff was scanned, but he was glad that he had it. It meant he didn't have to worry about having Abby in front or behind him and trapped there.

Safe in his loft, Buck started to get his groceries put up. He saw the bottle of sauce that Tommy used on nearly everything, something Buck had never heard of. He tossed it into the trash because it wasn't like Buck was ever going to use it. It wasn't that he hated it, but he didn't need anything else in the place that reminded him of Tommy. He had Tommy's things boxed up, and he kept meaning to have Eddie take them to him, but he always chickened out because, in his mind, that was it. Once that happened, it was over with.

Buck checked his phone to see a message from Eddie about making sure that Buck called Chris to talk about chess that week and see if he could get more out of him. Buck felt trapped between the two of them, but he loved them both and wanted them to be happy again—to be happy with each other.

The meal was easy to prep, but it took forever to cook. He could just settle in with the news. He didn't do it that often, but he was pretty sure that the news had to be on. He usually only read it, but he could do with a sound in the loft that wasn't his own breathing and the sound of his mixer.

The TV was still on his steaming device so he swapped to cable and then found the news channel.

"And as an aside before we get to the actual news, My name is Mallory, and I'll be filling in for Taylor Kelly since he's enjoying her honeymoon after having recently gotten married."

Buck turned the TV off. The image of Taylor and the man she married was still in his mind. There was no getting rid of that; he would have seen that in his mind.

It was like the universe was screaming at him. He searched Taylor on his phone, seeing a few pictures of the wedding that made it online, then went to her Facebook, where there was a larger spread. Buck had never unfriended her. Her Facebook was mostly to help with her image for work. She was across all social media platforms, and Buck had unfollowed her from most of those. He had wanted to keep one, just in case something happened. He wasn't even sure if she had blocked him from being able to call or text him. There had been an overture of staying friends, but then neither of them had reached out.

It was torture, but Buck went through her Facebook, seeing all of the happy pictures, the engagement photo spread, and the image that someone had caught when she had proposed to him. Taylor had found someone who could accept her as she was. Buck loved that for her—he loved that totally for her. He just hated it. It wasn't that he loved her. He hated that it seemed that after him, everyone was finding their love.

Buck closed the tabs and then Facebook and hoped that he didn't have to get on there for a while. He didn't need to see anyone else happy when he was left alone again.

---

"Buck?"

Buck turned to see Natalia standing off to the side inside of the shop. She was smiling at him, and Buck smiled at her. It was the first time he had seen her since he had ended things with her. He reached out to shake her hand before she waved him off and hugged him. Buck hugged her back, remembering what it was like a little to have her there with him.

He knew that he needed to figure out something because he was skin-hungry in a way he hadn't been in a long time, and that was going to end badly if he didn't figure something out. Maybe he could talk Eddie into cuddling him while they watched the Lakers game on Eddie's couch. There was something that needed to give on that front, or he was going to go out and do what Tommy told him to do, fuck around.

Well, Tommy hadn't quite said all of that. No, he said that Buck needed to figure out what he wanted.

"Buck?" Natalia asked.

"Oh, sorry, I got up in my head," Buck said.

"I asked how you are."

"Oh, I'm good. I can't complain." It wasn't like she would care if he wasn't fine. It was the kind of thing that made Buck feel like he needed to be better for everyone else.

"That's good."

"How are you?"

Natalia brushed a strand of hair back, and Buck saw the ring. She wasn't the kind of woman who would jump into a relationship in a short time and do this. That meant that this was the first relationship that she got into after him. She was now engaged, and he hated it. He hated all of this.

"Congratulations," Buck said even though he felt like throwing up instead of saying those words.

"Oh, thank you. It's still so new. Last week. I have actually hit the point where I don't notice it on my hand anymore."

Buck thought that whoever had bought it had money cause the rock in the main part of the ring was a huge one. There was no reason to have one that big, ever. Buck wasn't sure what the hell was going on, but it was like that stupid book he had read once about ghosts visiting a guy to make him fix his life, only these were ghosts of his past life.

"I'm happy for you," Buck said.

"Thank you. Are you seeing anyone?"

"Not right now. I broke up with my last a month ago. Well, they broke up with me."

Natalia raised an eyebrow, but she said nothing. She looked at her finger and then at him. "You'll find someone who can accept you for who you are at some point. I know it. You are too good of a man ever to be alone your whole life."

Buck nodded because there was no fighting the words. It was what she thought, and there was no changing that. Obviously, there was something out there that thought he didn't deserve to be anyone's last.

The shopping for presents for everyone for Christmas would have to be put off because Buck wasn't in the mood. He made his way out back to his Jeep and headed for home. Home, the loft where he would live the rest of his life alone. Buck sighed as he laid what he had bought on the counter. He headed for the living room and his laptop. He sat down and checked the last one.

Ali Martin, who also had never unfriended him on Facebook, had a work profile full of work-related stuff, but her private one was full of her family. Her Instagram was full of pictures of the first birthday party her twins had just a month ago, with other smatterings of family pictures, including the three-year-old boy who looked so much like Ali.

Buck slammed his laptop closed, and he picked up his phone. He found the group chat where he was part of it all. He knew they had one where they discussed the Tommy of it all. He about started to type but then stopped. He needed to do it before he forgot. He muted Tommy across all social media the man did have and anyone else who was connected to him, even Lucy, because she posted about her time at work too much.

He never wanted to know. He didn't want to think about Tommy again, see him when Tommy proposed to the man he was with, see the wedding pictures, the adoption announcement, or even the surrogacy announcement. He wanted to live in bliss that Tommy was just as lonely as him.

When he had carpet-blasted everything that was remotely connected to Tommy, Buck opened his texting chats again. He blocked Tommy because he didn't want to know when Tommy was bubbling him again.

Buck: I don't care what you guys do if you meet up with Tommy again. Your friendships are your own and do not reflect on our friendship, but no one is allowed to talk about Tommy around me ever again.

He read over the words before he hit send, and then he threw his phone down on the other end of the couch. He turned on the TV and looked at the channel. He wasn't sure what he was in the mood for but thought that maybe something that would not make him think of Tommy. The Jurassic Park movies were always good. He grabbed his laptop as he worked through getting to his streaming services to bring up the first one. He ordered enough food from pizza and Chinese that he wouldn't have to think about making anything for the whole day as he finally let himself realize that it was over.

Tommy wasn't going to come back to him. No, Tommy was going to go on and find someone that was perfect for him. The person that Buck was never going to get to be for anyone ever.

---

Buck crested the stairs and he heard the trio on the couch talking about a few of the more daring rescues they had seen on TV over the week, the news crews covering them all. When the one brought up the helicopter rescue, Buck turned to head away, heading for the kitchen where he needed to get started on dinner. He had taken over most of the food prep because at least it allowed him to focus on something. There was a rotation of what they ate, meaning that Buck had put up a board and people were to write in what they wanted for meals.

So far, it was working. Buck wasn't baking as much, and the flour levels in LA had gone back to normal in the stores. Of course, no one really noticed that what had been a baking obsession had turned into a cooking obsession. The people on his floor had never eaten so well. Buck had figured out allergies and just general dislikes. He had gone for an all-day session learning how to make sushi and noodles from the lady down the hall who had lived in Japan for twenty years before she had retired back to the US to see her kids more now that they were back here and getting to making families.

Buck had never been so fulfilled with things to do. No recipe was too hard or too long.

"What's up, Buck?" Jonesy asked as he sat down in front of Buck and pulled the cutting board close to him, alone with the carrots. What do you need?"

"Fine mince and nothing is up."

"You haven't gossiped with anyone in a month. We don't talk about him."

Buck shrugged. He didn't want to risk it. He knew that most of the shift hadn't been in the group chat about making Tommy's name verboten among them. Hell, he didn't think there wasn't a single person in there that didn't know that bringing him up was bad. Buck was just afraid that if he got started on the gossip like that, he would slip. He told them about Abby having a baby that looks like her, Ali's had a family for years, Natalia was engaged, and Taylor was married. He didn't think he would be able to stop it, and he didn't want to spill it. He figured that most of them knew about Taylor since it seemed to be something of a human interest story that the network had done about her.

There was a fine line between Buck keeping it all inside and then just blabbing it all out. He needed to just settle into the fact that he wasn't ever going to settle down with anyone and make his life as rich as he could get it with the people he already had in his life.

"I'm just not in the mood for that kind of talk," Buck said after a few more minutes of working on cutting up the onion that he needed to sweat down for the meal.

"OK, that's fine. I miss talking to you, and you always talked about other things while we were gossiping, so I guess I just want to know what to talk about that will get you talking to us again."

Buck knew that his reaction to Tommy breaking up with him had made things a little strained.

"How are the Kings doing?" Buck asked.

Jonesy's eyes lit up, and he started into a spiral about the hockey season so far.

---

Buck wasn't sure what hit him, but he looked around Eddie's living room. His head was killing him. He tried to sit up, but the world spun, and he was better on his back. He closed his eyes so that, hopefully, the world would stop spinning, and it did. He breathed in and out a few times before he opened them again. He could hear Eddie somewhere.

He couldn't remember what he had done that made his head like this until he burped and he could taste the rum. Eddie was fucking dead. Rum was like a truth drug to him.

"here," Hen said.

Buck looked to the side to see that she had a glass of water in her hand, and it had a straw. He sipped at it and found that it wasn't just water. It was some of that stuff he had on hand to drink after he did an intense workout and was worried about crashing.

"When did you get here?"

"Halfway through the rum shots. Karen's in the kitchen. Eddie's trying to get something made that won't make you throw up. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Buck had a sinking feeling about what Eddie had called them to come over and deal with. It wasn't even the whole queer thing; no, it had to be that Buck ran his fucking mouth because Eddie gave him truth serum, better known as rum. Eddie used his knowledge of Buck against him.

Hen just stared at him.

"There is nothing to talk about. I'm going to get up as soon as I can and take an Uber home."

"Your phone is hidden. You aren't going anywhere."

"You can't make me talk about it." Buck slowly sat up. His stomach felt like it was going to throw up, but he got himself up. He got where he was sitting up and then carefully got up.

It was a slow trek to the bathroom. There were a few gags on the way, and Hen at least stayed back. Then Buck got into the bathroom, and he shut the door, locking it.

"That's not going to save you."

"Fuck off, Hen," Buck said.

He hated using that strong language toward her, but he was done. He was done with them keeping his phone away from him and treating him like he was a child. Getting down, Buck leaned against the wall and hoped that he didn't throw up. It might make him feel better, but it was going to make his head throb even more. He sighed as he reached out to touch the cabinet. The bathroom wasn't that big, and his legs really hated being cramped like this, but it was what it was. He would calm down, and then once he was sure he could head out without throwing up, he would demand his phone, and all else failed, start to walk home.

"Buck, honey, I laid some pills out here and your water. I'm going to go back to the end of the hall and make sure that the two busy bodies don't invade," Karen said.

Buck said nothing and only moved when he heard Karen's voice far away. He opened the door and made sure no one was close enough to get there before he could shut it. He wasn't shocked that the pills were on a napkin. He pulled that in, and then he grabbed the water. He shut the door and locked it again. He sipped at the water before he tossed back the pills. There was so much in his head. He wanted to get the fuck out of there because this was not where he wanted to be.

Eddie had to do it on purpose. He knew full well what it was like when he drank rum. So, he had done it to get Buck to tell him things that he didn't want to tell him.

"Buck," Eddie said.

Buck said nothing.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think through what I was doing. I just wanted you to open up and tell me what was wrong with you. You are acting so much like someone else. Everyone on shift is noticing you have been at your best for the job, so there is no worry there, but in your personal life, it's like there is nothing left. You talk about cooking and what you've talked to Chris about. You talk about Jee-Yun and whatever you did when you were watching her. But there is nothing else."

Buck took another sip of his water.

"And I'm sorry that I invaded your privacy. I didn't expect what you told me, and I freaked out. I thought that Hen and Karen were the best people to deal with that. I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," Buck said. He did, but he wasn't coming out to talk about it.

"I have your phone here. You can head home; no one is going to stop you, or Karen will drive you home."

"I'll get an Uber. I don't want to talk."

Buck listened for Eddie moving back from the door before he got up to open it. The world wasn't spinning as badly.

"I have some quick food so you can start to feel better. I'm sure you can request an Uber to eat in. I don't remember if that's an option or not."

"I'll eat while waiting for them to get there. I know you are sorry, and I know you are worried, but that was understandable, and I'm pissed off. I forgive you, but I don't want to be here."

Eddie nodded, and he at least looked ashamed. He looked like he wanted to cry a little bit. Buck was pretty pissed, he would get over it. He always did.

It didn't seem like anyone really understood what it was like to have everyone around you be married and happy, Eddie notwithstanding, and to know that everyone else you had ever been with was now with someone who made them happy, who they could go that final step with and do what the person who came after you did.

Eddie didn't want to move on from Shannon; that was a choice he made. He just needed to figure out his life to get his son back in it. There was so much going on, but Buck figured that things would calm down at some point, and the team could get back to where they were before.

"Thanks," Buck said before he handed over the glass and used the wall to walk down the hall. He at least didn't feel like he was going to throw up at the moment; he was still drunk as hell.

Karen glared at Hen when he reached the end of the hall. He leaned into Hen for a moment, and she hugged him tightly.

---

The lights were bright. Buck groaned, and then there was the feeling that the lights were gone. He tried to open his eyes again, but there was still too much light coming in the window. He turned his head, but it wasn't moving. He reached up to touch, but his hand was grabbed. He wasn't sure who did it because he couldn't see.

"Calm down, Evan," Tommy said.

"No, no nightmare, go away."

"It's not a nightmare," Tommy said.

Buck was just willing himself to go back to sleep. He didn't want to deal with it. He wanted back to the dreams where he was on some cooking show and winning because he had perfected all kinds of things.

"You broke him; you fix him," Maddie said.

"Maddie?" Buck tried to open his eyes again, and this time, there weren't any bright lights in his eyes. The room was still pretty dark, but his head was throbbing.

"I'm here. The nurses are getting the doctor, and they will be in. I can get you some ice chips if you want."

"I was hallucinating Tommy being here." Buck held his mouth open as he watched Maddie offer up the spoon.

"Not a hallucination."

Buck turned his gaze to look at Tommy, who was still in uniform. He wasn't wearing a visitor patch like Maddie was. He still couldn't move his head. He was afraid that something was wrong.

"I flew you here," Tommy said.

"What happened?"

"What do you remember?" Maddie asked.

"We were on a call. Someone drove into an attached garage, and then it started to pull down the house. Guy was trapped on the upper floor, and there was no safe way to get him until we shored it up." Buck closed his eyes and was glad when Maddie put more ice on his lips. He opened his mouth and let her put it in. He sucked on them until they were gone. "Then there was me and Eddie going up to get him."

"Yes, he was pinned," Tommy offered up.

"He was pinned under a table that had pinned him. I heard something, and when I turned." Buck couldn't remember anything after that. He reached up, but Tommy caught his hand again. His neck wasn't turning. He felt the throb of it.

"You were pretty out of it when I got you, but Eddie was freaking out. He's talking to Bobby and the cops about what he did. It wasn't good. You were attacked by a dog; it nearly ripped your throat out," Tommy said.

That explained his inability to move his neck. There wasn't much that could be done, and stitches were easy to rip out.

"Eddie got the dog off you, but it kept attacking, and Eddie had to choose between you, him, the victim, and the dog."

Buck closed his eyes again. He was upset that Eddie had to do that.

"Did the dog make it?"

"No, Eddie tried not to kill it, but it kept coming back, and then. Well, it was quick. The owner is facing a few charges because it wasn't the only dog in the house, and it looked like he was part of a dog fighting ring. He hadn't said anything about them because he thought they were safe in the basement. Only one of them got out, and that was when it came after you guys."

The doctor and nurses came in. Maddie and Tommy talked about his mental landscape, and then the doctor peppered him with questions while looking at his wounds since it was time to change the wrapping per the nurse. He had been taken into surgery, which Buck understood based on having his neck nearly ripped out. The neck brace was going to be staying a while until it was made sure he wasn't going to fuck up his neck. The nerves seemed to be fine as he responded to stimuli.

An hour later, Buck was left to the tender mercies of Tommy and Maddie.

"You can leave," Buck said.

Tommy looked at Maddie, and Maddie sighed. She walked over and shut the door.

"Three weeks ago, I got a text from Tommy that he hadn't heard from you despite messaging you, and then he realized that he couldn't call you either; it went to voicemail over and over again. I realized you blocked him, then Hen talked to Howie about what Eddie did and Howie was worried about you. So he told me."

Buck knew that they were all talking behind his back.

"So you told Tommy all of that?"

"No, and I told Howie that he needed to not talk about that with anyone and that Eddie was an asshole for getting you so drunk that you spilled your secrets like that. Tommy was worried, but when I told you blocked him, he backed off. He just wanted to make sure that you were fine. I told him that you were as fine as you could be, which was current. I just didn't know it all."

"Leave, please, or I'm pressing this button and having the nurses throw you both out," Buck said.

Maddie looked upset, but she nodded her head and waved for them to leave.

Buck didn't care how worried Tommy was. He didn't need Tommy for this. He could take care of himself.

---

The brace sucked. It was so fucking stupid, and he hated it. He wasn't allowed to drink; he had to be careful and eat small things or chew them really well. Nothing too taxing on his neck. He just needed to get something that wasn't soup, a casserole, or whatever other foods people had been making him. It was hard to cook since he couldn't bend his head down to do a lot of things, but he had been working on it without it killing his back. He had read a lot. He had gotten a stand that allowed him to read his Kindle and use a device to turn the pages so he could do it from any position.

Other than going to get checked out, Buck had been outside much. He was stared at too much and didn't like that, but he was going insane in the apartment.

"Hey," Steph said as she came over to him and smiled.

"Just me."

"Oh." Steph looked into the main area of the restaurant.

Buck followed her gaze, and he saw Tommy sitting there with the guy he had been on a date with the last time Buck had seen him out and about.

"Or, maybe I should go somewhere else."

"You two broke up?"

"Something like that."

"How about I sit you somewhere you can't see him?"

Before Buck could answer, Tommy looked over at him. His face lit up, and he stood up. Buck didn't want to be there. He wanted to leave.

"Nah, I'm fine. Thanks, though," Buck said. He turned to leave.

Buck made it all the way out to the street, looking for a new place to eat his dinner.

"Buck," Tommy said.

The name still hurt. Buck had never thought that hearing his nickname would hurt like that, but it was just like that first time. It hurt so much.

Buck turned to face Tommy, and Tommy looked upset.

"You didn't have to leave. You could have joined us."

"Joined you? On your date?"

"Date?" Tommy looked so confused. "Oh. You never met Jacob. No, Jacob's going through a divorce from his wife, and he's been really upset lately. He's always been tactile, ever since the Army. He's straighter than Eddie. She lasted through his years in the Army, only to hate it once he became a detective. That's why she is divorcing him. They had a prenup, but it favored him cheating on her. She's not going to like what she gets per her own damned wants."

Buck felt like throwing up. He didn't care about any of this.

"Buck, you need to eat." Tommy looked at his watch. "It's got to be time to take your meds." Tommy stepped closer. "Please."

Buck nodded, careful of his neck.

Tommy was careful as he pulled Buck with him. Steph smiled at him as Buck passed by the hostess station. There were two guys at the table. The one Buck had seen before had a smile on his face, and he was now sitting on the other side with the other guy.

"Hey, guys, this is Buck. Buck, this is Jacob and his brother James."

"Hi," Buck said. He sat down, happy it was a booth and relaxed back in his seat.

"Tommy told us about the dog that attacked you. How long do you have to be in the neck brace?" James waved at his neck.

"Until they think that a quick move won't rip out what they did to hold me together so that mostly depends on how fast I heal up. I saw my doctor today, and things look like I might be able to get out of it in two weeks."

Buck picked up the specials menu, and he lifted it up so he could read it. He frowned at the offers because none of them were things he liked as far as the dinner entrees went. The sides were things that he liked, and the dessert menu was good.

"Can you do alcohol?"

"No, a little too much painkillers, and I'm still on blood thinners for now until they are not worried."

"Okay, here." Tommy handed over his phone.

Buck looked at him for a few seconds before he took the phone. He found it was a mocktail menu. He saw it was from the main menu. Which there were none left on the table.

"Did you guys already order?"

"No, we just took pictures, snacked on things, and talked before we ordered our meal." James pushed a plate closer to Buck. "Have some. When we meet up here to talk like this, we can be here for a while. We tip well for the time that we spend here and order more than enough alcohol and food to cover it as well," Jacob said.

Buck thought about what they thought about him. Had Tommy even talked about him at all with anyone? There was a point where Buck assumed that Tommy had seen him in the exact same way, but Tommy had just been biding his time and having fun with the baby bi. He ran when it was obvious that Buck was looking at this as more. He knew he hadn't said things the best way, but why else would Tommy run like he had without talking to him about anything?

There was so much going on that Buck wasn't able to focus on what James said next. He was glad that no one looked at him. Buck felt the phone in his hand vibrate and he saw it was a text from Eddie, getting things set up for the next basketball game. Buck handed over the phone to Tommy. He didn't need to see it. He knew that Tommy and Eddie still hung out. He knew that. He didn't mind it before but seeing it made him feel like he shouldn't be there.

"Did you find a drink?" Tommy asked.

"Yeah," Buck said. He had seen a few he liked the idea of, and that would be at least better than sitting there and drinking water.

"So, your partner saved?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, Eddie did. He was pretty freaked out. I guess that after he had gotten me loaded in the ambulance, he just stared at his hands, which were covered in my blood. When I had the ladder truck on my leg, there wasn't really a lot of blood, and when lightning struck, I didn't bleed. So it's the first time he's had my blood on him. Though I was covered in his blood once. I wasn't able to eat steak the way I like it for a while."

"Why not?" Tommy asked.

"I got the blood in my mouth when he was shot by the sniper. It was all over my face, my clothes, and my hands, where I tried to keep it inside for him. So, yeah. I could not even take the taste of medium-rare steak for a while. I worked through that in therapy."

"I can see that. I couldn't see steak like that for a while after getting out of the Army," Jacob said.

"Too many wounds," James said.

"So you three were all in the Army together?"

Jacob looked at Tommy with a strange look on his face, and then his eyes narrowed. Buck wasn't sure what that look was for, but it didn't look kind at all.

"Kinard, you and I are going to talk about a lot of things when we are back at your place."

"You aren't the boss of me anymore."

"Never was, to begin with, but we are not talking about it."

"Oh, no, we are," James said.

Tommy said nothing else.

"So, where are you from?" Jacob asked.

"Pennsylvania," Buck answered.

"We are from New York. We met Tommy while we were in the Army and then just never looked back."

Buck jumped a little when the waitress appeared beside him. He smiled at her before giving his drink order. Tommy ordered more drinks for himself and the other two, as well as two more appetizers.

"Order a second drink, too, Evan," Tommy said.

Buck did because Tommy called him Evan. After he was done, he didn't look into anyone's eyes, focusing on looking around the people. No one was paying attention to them, and more importantly, no one was staring at him.

A finger tapping on his hand had Buck look back at James.

"Sorry, did you ask me something?"

"You get the last of what we already have."

Buck looked down as far as he could to see food on his appetizer plate, which the waitress had set down without him noticing.

"Where are your pills?" Tommy asked.

"Quit fussing," Buck said.

"You..." Tommy inhaled and he exhaled. "I was the one who flew you out because they weren't sure that you would make it in the back of the RA unit. I had to listen to them working on you as we flew out, and they updated the hospital. Evan, I didn't think you were going to live. I'm allowed to fuss over you."

"No, Tommy, you are not allowed to fuss over me. I joined you because I really wanted to eat here, and I thought that maybe eating with other people would make sure that no one stared at me for long or came up to ask me questions. I didn't join you because it's you. I threw you out of my hospital room for a reason."

"Kinard quit fussing. Let's just talk about sports and the weather."

Tommy swallowed, and he nodded his head.

"What sports do you like?" James asked when he was done staring down Tommy.

"Hockey, and I like to watch basketball, not play it. I will sometimes watch soccer with Eddie. He's into that. I played football and baseball in high school."

"Ah, so a little of everything."

"Except golf. Eddie can take golf and shove it up his butt. I tried it with someone who ruined it for me."

"Gerrard," Tommy said.

"Ah, that rat bastard. I still wish you would have let me bury him." James had a grin on his face when he looked at Tommy.

"I hated it. Whatever kind of love I might have found for the game was gone with him."

"I golfed too much with him just to stay under the radar."

The rest of the dinner was spent without a conversation about Buck and Tommy, which was good as Buck didn't want to think about things between them. Tommy hadn't moved on yet, but he was going to find that person who would make him want to take the risk and jump off that cliff into love.

---

The knock on the door surprised Buck, so it took him a minute to look at the time and then go towards the door. He looked in the peep hole and debated whether he wanted to actually open it.

"I heard you moving around, Evan," Tommy said.

Buck opened the door, and he looked at Tommy.

Who had two coffees in his hands and a box tucked under one arm. Buck could smell the sweetness of pastries inside. Tommy had gone for the kill with the lobster tails that Buck loved from a shop near Tommy's place.

"Bribes?"

"I was going to leave it if you didn't answer the door or weren't here, but I had hoped that since you don't like to go out much, you would still be here. You still can't go running, can you?"

"I hope this week I can get back to doing a workout to come back. I won't be made to requalify since this is all just this." Buck waved his hand at his neck. "What do you want here?"

"To talk. James and Jacob were not kind to me after you left to head home because you were tired."

"There is nothing to talk about between us."

"No, I think there is. I didn't do things the way that I should have that night. I left you in the lurch without explaining myself. I would like to."

Buck waved for Tommy to sit down. He walked over to grab plates for the pastries. He sat down and handed off the plates so Tommy could load them up. He pulled his coffee over and took a sip of it. He missed this coffee, too.

"I'm sorry," Tommy said.

Buck looked at him.

"I'm sorry for everything that night. You freaked me out, and instead of telling you my issues, I just pulled the plug. You scared me with your words, but James pointed out that I'd never talked about them. I didn't let us talk about things that I was scared to talk about. I didn't do what I should have done from the start, and that was to build something to last." Tommy had tears in his eyes, and Buck wasn't sure what to do about that. Tommy moved before Buck could think of anything. He moved to stand beside Buck, making him turn on the seat.

"Tommy," Buck said.

"I had already made up my mind that day on shift that when our shifts were over, I was going to call to meet up for coffee, a little callback to the other coffee date we had. I wanted to have that, and then I got called to transport you before you died from being chewed on by a dog. I wanted to stay by your side even after you threw me out of the room. I sat in the waiting area down the hall. The nurses took pity on me, but it wasn't like you were going to be there for long. When you were finally discharged, and Eddie took you home, I left."

"I don't know what to say."

"You have every single right to be angry. I did you dirty, and I freaked. I let you set the pace, but I didn't realize that the pace was jumping that far ahead. I want it, Evan. I want to live with you but need a little more time. And it would be at my house, not this loft. Or we can buy a new place."

Buck nodded as much as he could with the brace on his neck. He leaned in and rested his forehead on Tommy's chest. The pain and the anger at Tommy for everything started to disappear, but with it came tears. Tommy held him as he cried.

In broken words and bitten-off sentences when he needed to cry harder, Buck told him all about everyone he had been with, even Natalia, having a ring on her finger. Tommy just held him and let him get everything out.

"I can see why you were so angry with Eddie for that. He didn't tell me what he found out, but he came to talk to me about how pissed off you were with him. He also told me never to let you drink rum."

"I'll forgive him in time. I won't forget, but I'll forgive."

"He is pissed enough with himself. He'll be fine when he gets over it, though; don't worry. How is your neck feeling?"

"I need to take some painkillers. I'm on OTC stuff now, and they still have me on a few other pills. But the pain meds are all OTC. The stuff I need to take is over there." Buck pointed at the case on the far side of the island.

Tommy backed up and headed over to get the pills. He then scooted the drink and pastry closer to Buck.

They ate in silence but looked at each other as they ate. It was going to take a while for Buck not to feel like Tommy was just going to leave, and he hoped that Tommy understood that he was scared, too. He had jumped the gun on what he had said before.

"I love you," Buck said.

Tommy looked at him in shock, a bite of the lobster tail hanging out of his mouth. It was adorable, and he looked like he was just going to stare at Buck for several minutes.

"What?" Tommy asked.

"I love you. I figured that out that night as well. It's why it hurt so much and why I kept on baking."

"Yes, I heard about the baking. Eddie pawned a good bit off on me, but not the scones. He kept those."

"He does love scones." Buck tried not to fidget. Just because he was in love didn't mean Tommy had to be. No, it didn't mean it, but Buck really hoped he was as well.

"I love you, too, Evan Buckley," Tommy said.

Buck smiled, picking up his coffee to take a sip. He tossed back the pills he needed to take and washed them down with more coffee. "I have an appointment today. Just some scans, and then tomorrow is the actual appointment with my doctor to go over them to see if I can take off this brace. I was going to call an Uber."

"I'll take you. We can get food out. When are they?"

"I should be done by lunch."

"Good, good. I want to take you. I don't work tomorrow."

"I know."

Tommy smiled, laid his hand over Buck's on the counter, and raised his hand up to kiss the back of it.

"So, is that all okay?" Tommy asked.

"Yes, it's fine. Just make sure you don't hold me back to the kind of happy and lucky I was before. I need some time."

Tommy nodded. He stepped closer again, making sure to stay where Buck could look at him without moving his neck a lot. "I promise, Evan. I promise. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I realized it was too late to stop what I did. I know that I hurt us. As long as you trust me, I mean what I say."

"I do trust you, but I will be reactive for a while. Especially if we fight or disagree, but I'll work on that myself."

Tommy kissed his forehead, and he wrapped Buck in his arms again. The arms that made him feel so damned safe. Even after all of that, he felt safe in them. Buck let himself melt into Tommy's arms and felt like he was finally home.

The End