String vests. String pants. String loose-weave shopping bags. It was supposed to be the wonder-material of the twentieth century. Quickly, it became fashionable – and that's where it all went wrong. String bikinis, and cigarettes, and electrical wiring. Big String took over Britain's economy, turning everything that wasn't alive into string (and even a few things that were alive). All the while Graeme and Bill tore up cheap old Persian rugs and hocked them for millions.

His glorious vision perverted, Tim wept softly, putting on the national anthem. When he wiped away his tears, two little strings fell to the floor.