Title: My immortal
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,476 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 403 - Je ne regrette rien (“I regret nothing”)
Summary: Jack dreaded the day he would have to watch his lover die.


Jack padded hesitantly into their living quarters, carrying a single cup of tea. He didn't trust himself to make coffee, even if he was slowly getting better at it. Most days Ianto barely trusted him to make tea, but today Jack was determined to make it the best cup of tea that had ever been made. He didn't know how one went about perfecting a cup of tea, but he'd at least tried. It was no dump and jiggle affair. He'd made it in a pot with real leaves, strained carefully so that there were no stray bits of black floating on the top of the steaming milky cup. It had the added bonus of giving his mind something else to think about. Reliving today was not something he wanted to do, now or ever.

He set the cup down on the side table and Ianto looked up at him. ‘Thanks.’ He reached for it, scarcely waiting for it to cool enough to drink and taking a sip. ‘God, that's just what I needed after today.’ He paused and looked up at Jack who hadn't yet settled into the sofa next to him. ‘None for you? I can make you a coffee if you'd prefer.’

‘I'm fine,’ Jack said, forcing the words out even as the bile was trying to force its way up the back of his throat. He didn't think he could keep anything down, not even the empty stomach he was battling with right now.

Ianto took another deep swallow of tea and set the mug back down. ‘You're not fine,’ he told Jack bluntly. ‘Even an idiot like me can see that.’ He patted the sofa next to him. ‘Sit down.’

Jack lowered himself down next to Ianto, who then shuffled until they were pressed up against one another, closing the gap that Jack had intentionally left between them. He felt Ianto's arms snake around him as he sat there unable to move or react to the touch. Just having Ianto's warm body there next to his was all he wanted. Just to feel that he was still alive and breathing and not about to leave Jack to an eternity of heartbroken loneliness.

‘For all the enigma you try to portray, you're so utterly transparent sometimes,’ Ianto told him with a slight tease in his voice as Jack finally curled into the touch, burying his head into Ianto's shoulder. ‘I'm absolutely fine.’

‘No, you're not,’ came the muffled but petulant reply.

‘I am, I promise you.’ He stroked Jack's arm as he held him close. It was always going to happen one day.
Jack's head shook against his body, defying his reply. Ianto reached a hand under his chin and forced his head up so that he'd have to look Ianto in the eye. ‘Yes, Jack,’ he reiterated. ‘You always knew. You knew and I knew and we were okay with that.’

‘You died.’ Jack nearly choked on the words. He wasn’t nearly as okay with it now that he’d finally had to face up to the reality of it.

‘I'm sorry you had to see that, but I'm not sorry that you were there for me when I came back.’ In the same way that Ianto made sure he was always there when Jack came back from death, he now fully appreciated just how much it meant to have Jack there beside him, holding him in that first moment he awoke from it. The particulars of his first immortal death weren't important. He knew Jack well enough that Jack would have died on the inside no matter what the circumstances, be they slow and painless or horrific and brutal. It was the same set of emotions that Jack knew churned up inside Ianto every time he had to watch Jack suffer, and the inexorable wait to have Jack back with him. It had always just been easier when the shoe was on the other foot. His own death and resurrection he could live with. Watching it happen to the man he loved was simply unbearable. Nothing could have prepared him for today.

‘I wish the TARDIS had never done this to you.’ He didn't want to watch Ianto die, even if he knew it was only temporary. It tore up his soul, seeing the man he loved with all his heart just slip away from him.

Ianto’s head shook in disagreement, defying Jack to suggest that permanent death was ever a better alternative to temporary death. ‘I don't regret any of it, not for a single second. If I wasn't how I was, I'd have been dead long ago. You helped me cheat death once, and the TARDIS joined my life to yours permanently, but it was never going to be perfect. We bleed, Jack. We feel pain. We get sick. Sometimes we're going to die. Sometimes,’ he paused just long enough to squeeze Jack a little bit tighter against him, ‘I'm going to choose to put myself in danger to save someone else. Even you.’

Jack let out a sob at the harsh words. He wasn't worth Ianto giving up his life. He’d do it himself, over and over and over again, if it would keep his lover safe, but that didn’t mean that their arrangement had to be both mutual and equal.

Ianto tutted and shushed Jack’s sobs with firm strokes, wrapping him up in reassuring touches. ‘I'd rather die a thousand times than die once and never be with you again. Having you makes all of it worthwhile. And I know you feel the same.’

Jack did. He didn't have to admit it, but he did. A million deaths meant nothing when he knew that Ianto would still be there on the other side, waiting for him. Knowing he had something to come back to was all that mattered.

‘Can I tell you something?’ Ianto asked, leaning his head against Jack’s. ‘I’ve been dreading this day, too. Dreading how you’d cope with it. You smile and you joke and you pretend it doesn’t matter, but I know. I died once before and it was the most terrible day of my life, not because I was dying but because I knew I was leaving you behind. You saved me. I don’t know how, but you did. Ever since then, I’ve known that I could never do that to you again. Not knowing it was forever. Things are different now, though.’

Jack sat up on the sofa, pushing away from Ianto. ‘Now you don't care about my feelings? Jack felt callous even just saying the words, but he was hurting nonetheless.

‘Of course I care! I care more than anything. Don’t you understand, Jack? You treat immortality like it’s your sole cross to bear. It isn’t. Not anymore. The TARDIS saw it. That’s why she did what she did. We do this together, but I need you, too. Today was…’ He didn’t finish the sentence but Jack saw the way his face clouded over, reverting back to its impassive stoicism. He didn’t want Ianto to shut him back out. Not now.

He reached back to take Ianto’s hands in his. ‘I don’t regret anything, either. I just never expected it to be this hard. I don’t know how you do it, watching me die again and again. Just once was torture. I couldn’t bear it. How am I supposed to live with that? Knowing that it could happen again and I’ll have to live through that again.’

‘I know. Believe me, I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon.’ He cupped Jack's face and made sure he had his full attention before speaking again. ‘That said, our lives so often involve danger. I got that bug from you. It’s why you and I get along so well. We can’t help ourselves. But I will be careful as much as I can.’

Jack sighed. Asking Ianto not to put the lives of others ahead of his own was as pointless as asking Jack to do the same. All he could do was to keep Ianto safe as much as he could, and learn to live with the same pain and anxiety that his lover had coped with during his own countless deaths. ‘I suppose that’s all I can ask.’

Ianto rubbed his leg. ‘Good. Now, can I please make you that coffee you claim you don’t want? I know I could do with one as well.’

Jack frowned. ‘I thought you said the tea was good?’

Ianto pecked him on the cheek. ‘It wasn’t awful, but truthfully, after death, there really is nothing that’s going to make me feel quite so alive again as coffee. Well, coffee and having the man you love to hold close.’

Jack gave his hand another squeeze. ‘At least that’s something we can agree on.’