Title: Solace
Fandom: Dragon Age
Rating: T
Length: 1114 words
Content notes: Discusses the herbal equivalent of the morning after pill, cheating, and polyamory.
Author notes: Written for ‘The morning after’ challenge in fan_flashworks.
Summary: After Hawke’s night with Fenris, she seeks Merrill’s help to make sure there are no lasting results, but Merrill’s help is not what she expected.

***

Merrill had welcomed her, as always, with a cup of tea.

“It’s very nice to see you, Hawke,” Merrill said, sitting down opposite with her own mug cradled in her small hands. It probably wasn’t meant as a jibe, but Sara felt herself flush anyway. She looked down at the brew to hide it.

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” she said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, doing okay. Still working on the mirror. It’s going a bit faster now with the Arulin’holm. And some new neighbours moved in next door, but they’re very noisy, especially at night, so I get a bit of work done then too.”

Now that Merrill mentioned it, Sara could see the shallow tallow lamps dotted around her house. Glancing through the doorway into Merrill’s tiny bedroom, the mirror seemed to loom over her bed.

“I’m glad the.. Arluin- Araluin – Arul- I’m glad it was helpful,” Sara said.

Merrill sighed, leaned forward, and put her hand over Sara’s where it curled around the chipped mug. “The real question is, how are you Hawke? You seem.. troubled.”

“Is it that obvious?” Sara murmured. Merrill seemed to take the question at face value.

“You so rarely drop in, it was a pretty big clue. And then, you asked how I was but you weren’t really interested in the answer-”

“Merrill, I’m sorry-”

“There’s no need to apologise, just – tell me, what’s going on Hawke?”

“I was… wondering if you knew of any… herbs to stop an unwanted… pregnancy.”

Merrill jumped up from her seat and clapped her hands together. “Oh Hawke, this is wonderful news. You’re pregnant? That is so exciting!” She seemed to take in Sara’s expression at that moment, and the smile slid from her face. “I mean.. in the Clan it would be good news. I can see that, here, it might… sometimes not be.” She slowly sat back down in her seat. “Who is the father, may I ask?”

“It’s not that… I don’t know that I am, I just… I’m worried that I could be, and… it wouldn’t be a good idea.” Sara felt the blush creeping back over her cheeks, and said quietly, in answer to Merrill’s question, “Fenris.”

“Oooooh,” Merrill said, and the smile started to climb back onto her face. “You two have finally gotten together? I’m so happy for the both of you!” Sara closed her eyes in the face of her friend’s joy, and Merrill’s voice faltered again. “Unless… you aren’t together?” she said, sounding confused.

“It was just one night,” Sara said, trying to keep her voice even. “Then he… left.”

Merrill’s eyebrows were pulled down in a frown, and she tilted her head to the side like a curious bird. “Are you sure?” she asked. “That doesn’t make any sense. A blind halla could see he is head over heels for you.”

“Apparently not,” Sara said tightly.

Merrill shook her head. “It sounds like some kind of misunderstanding to me. Have you tried talking with him?”

“He made things pretty clear, Merrill. But I just need to know that… nothing else will come of it. Do you know of any herbs I could take to make sure?”

Merrill nodded her head, “There are herbs that can make sure pregnancy doesn’t stick,” she said, but her nod soon turned into a shake. “The Keeper knows of them. But I… was not as attentive a student as I should have been on such matters.” Merrill’s normally cheerful demeanour was momentarily subdued, but then she brightened up as she said: “Have you asked Anders?”

Sara’s eyes twitched shut at the mention of Anders’ name, as though she had been struck. “I… don’t want to involve him, if I can help it,” she said.

“Why not?” Merrill asked with another frown. “He is very knowledgeable about such things.”
“I’m just not sure how he would react-”

“He seems very willing to help others with his clinic,” Merrill said.

“It’s not – ugh,” Sara shook her head with exasperation.

“Ohhhh,” Merrill said, drawing it out. “Is the problem that he’s in love with you?”

“It’s… slightly more than that,” Sara said. “Anders and I, we…”

“Are lovers?” Merrill said. “I know that.”

“You do?” Sara said.

Merrill rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t born last Spring,” she said. “But I still don’t understand the problem.”
Sometimes Merrill would come out with something like this, and Sara suddenly realised that they inhabited very different worlds. She sat silent for a moment, trying to work out how to say the obvious.

“He doesn’t know… about Fenris, I mean,” she said. Merrill was still looking at her blankly. “He will probably be… hurt?” she added.

“And?” Merrill said. Sara was once again reduced to silence. Merrill sighed, and reached out to put her hand on Sara’s again. “You may have shared blankets with Anders, but it doesn’t mean that he has a say on who else you may share with. If he is hurt by you and Fenris, then he is being wilfully blind.”

Sara shook her head. “I.. don’t think it works like that, Merrill.”

“Have you made a commitment to lay only with each other?” she asked.

“No,” Sara said slowly.

“Then it is not his concern.”

“Is that how it works in the Clan?” Sara asked.

“Of course,” Merrill said.

“Don’t people get jealous?”

“Sometimes, but the Keeper counsels them.”

“It’s seen as the problem of the person who is jealous?”

“Of course, who else’s would it be?” Merrill was looking at her with what looked suspiciously like sympathy. “You’ve done nothing wrong, Hawke,” she said gently and patted her hand again. “Your night with Fenris, as short as it may have been, was the natural outgrowth of your feelings for each other. There is nothing wrong with that. I am only sorry that he is still so tangled up in his past to see clearly.”
Sara felt tears prick her eyes, and she brusquely took her hand away from Merrill’s and scrubbed at them. Merrill watched her knowingly.

“I can ask the Keeper if she will share the herb with me,” she offered.

“No, no, it’s okay. I should.. stop being such a coward, and ask Anders,” Sara said, and stood up.

Merrill nodded, and stood up too, before walking around the small table and giving Sara a hug.

“I’m glad that you came to see me,” she said. “Even though I couldn’t help you.”

“No, you did, Merrill, just… not in the way I originally thought.”

A smile bloomed onto Merrill’s face. “I’m glad I could be of some use somehow,” she said. “Do come again soon.”

“I will,” Sara promised, and left for Darktown.