Summary: The Harkness-Joneses have to keep up with the Joneses.


Ianto could hear the rumble of the SUV's engines pulling into the driveway. Not for the first time he also heard their new neighbours greeting Jack as he alighted from it. He'd been skeptical about just how effective the perception filter would be at making their pride and joy - the Torchwood SUV - look like just an ordinary petrol guzzler. Any of its distinguishing markings, from the flashing blue lights and the rooftop satellite dish, to the bright yellow words on top that very un-inconspicuously declared it to be Torchwood, went unnoticed by the residents of Serenity Plaza. That was a relief. He could hope to curb some of Jack's ostentatious presence by dressing him in something more pedestrian than period military, but he couldn't do much about the car. Jack had outright refused to simply switch it with Ianto's otherwise plain sedan. The SUV was Jack's and he wasn't going to be parted with it - not even on an undercover assignment.

'Honey, I'm home!'

Ianto cursed the way he liked hearing Jack say that. All just part of their act, he reminded himself, in case there were still inquisitive ears lurking in their front yard. No point imagining Jack would have said that if they weren't undercover. 'Up here,' Ianto called back, hearing Jack's boots thump up the stairs.

'New sofa arrived while I was out,' Jack commented, having clocked it and the excessive number of throw cushions that now adorned it in shades of pale blue and green. 'Place is looking good,' he said, brushing a hand over the equally brand new duvet and admiring the bed.

'It should be,' Ianto replied, 'even if it is all just hired furniture. But if you're going to hire furniture for a house you plan on living in, why not pick nice furniture?'

Jack grinned. 'And you have impeccable taste, but we both knew that.'

'Just a few final touches,' he said, fiddling with the box in his hand as he perched on the edge of the bed.

'What's that?'

'An alarm clock. Apparently all the neighbours have them. Bob insisted we get one. Couldn't live without it, he told me.'

Jack snorted and gave a derisive eyeroll. 'Well, Bob would know, wouldn't he? Starting to think Bob and Mary wrote the rulebook on living here.' He narrowed his eyes at the everyday looking object. 'What's so special about an alarm clock?'

'It's fully programmable and voice activated. Names and important dates and such.' He pressed down the centrefold in the instruction booklet again and studied it before locating the button on the side of the clock. 'Instead of an annoying buzzer in the morning, it can say "Good morning, Ifan and Ken."

'Not the other way around? Jack asked.

Ianto frowned in confusion, not entirely sure what Jack meant by the comment. 'Ken and Ifan? Why not Ifan and Ken?'

Jack shrugged. 'Well, because you always refer to us as Jack and Ianto, in that order. And now we're Ken and Ifan.'

'Well, of course I refer to us as Jack and Ianto. Putting your own name first is just selfish. And it sounds better than way.' He paused and looked at Jack. 'Don't you refer to us as Ianto and Jack?'

There was a noise from the back of Jack's throat that was noncommittal in confirming that was the case, which led Ianto to suspect that Jack never thought about it in those terms and referred to them in much the same way - Jack always first and Ianto always second. He wasn't sure why he found that at all surprising.

Ianto gave a slight huff. 'Fine.' He pressed the button and said 'Set voice greeting. Ken and Ifan.'

"Greeting set," the clock chirped back. "Thank you, Ken and Ifan."

'Okay, that's a bit creepy,' Ianto declared. 'It's like the lift in that office building on Old Taff Road.'

'Oh, you mean the one with the devil child voice over that announces the lift opening and closing to two languages?'

Ianto nodded. 'Yeah, that one. Or perhaps I'm just creeped out by it on account of the nutter who tried to lock me in there once and kill me as revenge for nuking his copamby full of alien possessed employees.'

'Could be that,' Jack agreed, as if that was the kind of thing they did every day and why should anyone take issue with that. 'Anyhow, I think it's kinda sweet.' Jack grabbed the clock from him and hit the button. 'Set voice greeting, Jack and Ianto.'

"Greeting set. Thank you, Jack and Ianto."

Jack hit the button again. 'Set voice greeting, Ianto and Jack.'

"Greeting set. Thank you, Ianto and Jack."

Jack cringed. 'Definitely better with my name first. Just sounds wrong the other way around.'

Ianto snatched it back, narrowing his eyes at Jack. 'Should set it as dumb and dumber for agreeing to this assignment.'

'What? Don't tell me you're not going to enjoy us living here and pretending to be a happily married couple.'

'I'd prefer it if we weren't…' Ianto caught himself before finishing the thought out loud.

Jack's eyes sparkled with teasing intent. 'What? Pretending?'

'Undercover,' Ianto replied, salvaging the faux pas. 'I've got a mountain of work back at the hub and none of it is getting done whilst we're stuck here.'

Jack perched on the bed next to him. 'Someone has to stay here and maintain our cover during the day. Not to mention finding out whatever you can about the neighbours so we can figure out which one of them is the Cell 114 terrorist.' He gave Ianto a playful nudge. 'To me you're still Torchwood; to the world out there you're my gorgeous stay at home husband, keeping the place in order whilst I'm out earning us enough to pay off the eye watering mortgage.'

'You keep telling yourself that,' Ianto snapped. He was no one's stay at home husband, not even Jack's. He was never going to hear the end of it from Owen, and Tosh was all about wanting to know if living together really was as perfect in reality as she imagined it. 'What time does this perfect married couple need to be up in the morning?'

Jack leaned casually back against the pillows. 'Oh, I don't know. We're part of that nine to five rat race now, so what's say eight o'clock?'

'Outrageous,' Ianto remarked. He'd usually have an hour's work done by then. The middle classes were positively lazy. Then again, an extra hour's sleep was preferable to trying to fill in yet another hour of his day with nothing but mindless household chores.

'Well, I guess we could set it earlier,' Jack offered. 'Have a long, slow cooked breakfast?'

'If you think I'm getting up an hour earlier just to cook you breakfast every day you've got another thing coming.' He pressed the button. 'Set alarm for eight am.'

"Alarm set," the clock happily confirmed. Ianto heaved a sigh. It was going to be a really long assignment.

'You said this clock can set reminders for other things?'

'Yup. Just tell it what you want to be reminded about and when.'

Jack sat back up. 'So… we could get it to set up appointments for… anything?'

Ianto had been with Jack long enough to know exactly what kind of things he might be referring to. 'We are not programming it for that. God knows whether these things talk to one another. The more I think about it the more I'm beginning to think perhaps this was a conspiracy to get a listening device into our house.'

Jack cocked his head sideways as he considered it. 'And why would that be? It's Cell 114 that we're trying to root out, not the other way around. It's us who should be spying on the neighbours.'

Ianto snorted. 'I doubt any of the neighbours would have anything interesting to listen to anyway. Probably just Bob and Mary discussing strategies to win best front lawn of the month. Again. Ooh! Set reminder to water the daffodils,' he told the clock.

Jack groaned. 'That's the best and most important thing you could schedule?'

'Yes,' he replied in a firm tone. 'That'd be watering duties for Ken and Ifan.'

Jack pulled a face at the prospect. 'I don't water plants.'

'You do now.' Ianto grinned, shaking the little alarm clock. 'Welcome to Serenity Plaza, Ken.'