Title: The Name Game
Fandom: Torchwood
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Gwen, Tosh, Owen.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 949
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: The Torchwood team are having a bit of trouble naming their new pets.
Content Notes: None needed.
Written For: Challenge 367: Pet at fan_flashworks.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.



The five members of Torchwood Three sat around the boardroom table, sipping coffee and eating the hot sausage rolls Ianto had fetched from Greggs. Unusually, the boardroom door was very firmly shut, but there was a good reason for that. At Torchwood, there was usually a good reason for everything.

“Right,” said Ianto, taking charge of proceedings as he finished the last of his sausage roll and wiped his fingers fastidiously on a paper napkin. “Now you’ve all had some time to study the subjects and consider your options, any ideas come to mind?”

There was silence for a long moment as everyone glanced at each other, waiting to see who would go first. Finally, they all turned to look expectantly at Jack.

Who’d unfortunately just bitten a huge chunk off his second sausage roll. He chewed furiously and swallowed hard, taking a gulp of coffee to wash it down with. “Why do I have to go first?”

“Because you’re the boss,” Gwen said. “We follow your lead.”

“You do? Since when?”

Biting her lip, Gwen dropped her gaze.

“Jack?” Ianto raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, fine. I was thinking maybe TARDIS because, y’know, bigger on the inside.”

Ianto’s second eyebrow joined the first, his expression saying clearer than words, ‘You can’t be serious!’

“What? It’s true! She may be little, but she’s got a big appetite.” Jack watched Ianto, waiting, then sighed. “Okay then, how about HobNob, or… Ooh, I know! Sixty-Nine!”

That idea got one of Ianto’s most pained eyerolls. “Jack!”

“Hey, I’m just trying to think of things I like!”

Owen clapped his hands over his ears. “Keep your sexual preferences to yourself, Harkness! The rest of us don’t want to know what you and Teaboy get up to!”

“If you want to name it after something you like, why not Ianto?” Gwen teased.

Jack considered the suggestion for all of twenty seconds before shaking his head. “No, better not. That would get too confusing.” He fell silent, frowning, deep in thought.

“Alright, while Jack’s mulling things over a bit more, what about the rest of you?”

Gwen sat up straighter. “I thought something simple and appropriate might be best, like Blackie, or Sooty…” She trailed off at Owen’s disparaging snort. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Where do I even start? Seriously, did you skip the queue for imagination? D’you want yours to have a lifelong inferiority complex? The least you can do is go for irony and call it Snowball.”

“But he’s black!”

“Exactly.”

“Snowball is just daft.” Gwen scowled at the team medic.

“If you want something black, how about Obsidian, or Jet?” Tosh suggested.

“Aren’t you going to use one of those names? I mean, yours is black too.”

“Not completely, she has white paws. I was thinking either Koneko, or Tiptoes, but I can’t decide.”

“Both excellent names.” Ianto smiled approvingly at his friend. “Owen?”

“Minion,” Owen declared with a triumphant grin. “It’s perfect.”

Jack frowned. “Why d’you want to call it Onion?”

“Not Onion! Minion! You know, Despicable Me!”

That failed to clear up Jack’s confusion. “Yes, we know you’re despicable, but what does that have to do with calling your kitten Onion? Although that would be despicable.”

“MINION!” Owen bellowed.

“It’s an animated movie, or actually a series of movies,” Ianto explained.

“What, Onion?”

“No, Despicable Me. It’s about a supervillain trying to take over the world with the aid of his little yellow minions.”

“Are there onions in it?”

By now, Ianto was sure Jack was deliberately misunderstanding everything just to annoy Owen, probably as revenge for Owen’s reaction to his suggestion of Sixty-Nine as a possible kitten name.

“I don’t think so, but there are lots of Minions. You’d love it. In fact, I’m surprised you’ve never seen it.”

“Even I can’t watch every movie that’s ever been made,” Jack said sadly. “I don’t have that much free time.”

Ianto patted his hand. “How about next movie night we have a Despicable Me movie marathon?”

“I’d like that. So, does Owen get to call his kitten Onion?”

There was a thud as Owen’s head fell forward on the boardroom table, and a muffled voice mumbled, “I give up.”

“It’s his kitten, he can call it whatever he wants. Within reason. Besides., it’s a good name.”

“Thank you,” Owen muttered, head now resting on folded arms. “At least someone’s on my side.”

“You’re welcome.”

“So why can’t I call mine Sixty-Nine?” Jack almost pouted.

“I said, ‘within reason’, Jack. Sixty-Nine doesn’t qualify as a name.”

“Well, TARDIS then. I mean, she’s sort of bluish…”

“She’s grey, not blue.”

“How about Smokey?” Gwen suggested.

“Boring!” That was from Owen, of course.

“Ianto, what about yours?” Tosh cut in before Owen could start another argument.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Ianto smirked. “Pussy Galore, of course. Always had a bit of a thing for Honor Blackman.”

Jack laughed. “Maybe I should call mine Moneypenny. No, how about Marilyn, after Marilyn Monroe?”

“I could call mine Lucifer,” Gwen said suddenly. “That would drive my in-laws nuts! I’m not sure Rhys would be too happy though. I think I’m going to train him to walk on a lead.”

“Who, Rhys! Kinky!” Jack beamed at Gwen.

Gwen blushed furiously. “No, my kitten, so I can bring him to work and take him home with me at night. Or Frodo. Rhys is a big fan of the Lord of the Rings movies.”

“Ooh, movie names!” Jack was right back in it. “I could call mine Buttercup, from The Princess Bride!”

Sitting back in his chair, watching the five bundles of fluff chasing each other around the boardroom, Ianto sighed. Who knew choosing names for kittens would be so complicated?


The End