Title: Dearest Shogo
Fandom: X-Men
Author: Apache Firecat
Characters: Jubilee, Shogo
Rating: PG-13/T
Summary: Jubilee finally sits down and tells Shogo some things he's going to need to know.
Word Count: 2,869
Written For: Fan FlashWorks 354: Letter
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.







Dearest Shogo,

I remember one time when Wolvy left me a letter and disappeared on me during the night. I was PISSED! He had snuck in my room and out again, and never woke me. He could've easily, but he didn't want me following him and knew I would if he woke me. I'm not going to sneak away on you, kid, but we're all taken away sometime.

This life has been a crazy ride, you know, bad as ferris wheel, worse even. It's been filled with ups and downs, and twists that nobody, especially me, saw coming. I never thought Vampires were real. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I did for a little while as a kid. Who doesn't? But I grew out of it just like I grew out of believing in the Boogeyman and Santa Claus. You're old enough to not believe in Santa any more, as much as that pains me sometimes, so you're old enough to start preparing for the things that hit us in life that we can't stop.

No matter how much we want to, there are things we can't stop. I couldn't stop Wolvy's death. I couldn't stop the Professor's, or Ev's, or Angie's. I couldn't stop Sean or Emma, and I couldn't stop my parents from being killed. I couldn't stop myself from becoming a mutant or getting turned into a Vampire, two things I never freaking saw happening before they did. I still remember how scared I was when my powers first manifested, and how afraid I was when I was turned not just for myself, not even for myself really at all, but for those I loved. I was worried about literally freaking eating somebody I loved for the longest time.

I never did, thank God, but it was still one of the scariest times in my life. Just like it scared the mess out of me to loose Wolveroonie, and I was terrified, point blank freaking terrified, when I lost my parents. Not just because they were killed. I was a kid, younger than you. I didn't know where to go. I had no one to turn to. I didn't know where my next meal was coming from, and it took me a while to figure out that I could sleep at the mall as long as I was careful. I went to bed hungry many nights. At least I never have to worry about any of that happening to you.

You're old enough now you're starting to fight your own battles, but Christmas time is a time that makes us think, makes us miss those who we've lost throughout our lives, and makes us parents, especially us single ones, really think about the futures we're living for our kids. I wish this world was a better place, Shogo. I wish people didn't fear and hate mutants and Vampires. I wish there wasn't fighting everywhere. I wish there wasn't hungry bellies in the world, and that our governments actually cared for their people.

None of them do. I don't care who says what, no country ever really cares for its people. If they do in the beginning, they stop caring. I was there, three times, when a country was formed for mutants. Every time it failed. Every time its government stopped caring about its people and started screwing them over. That's something you've got to watch out for from almost everybody. I hope I've taught you that. Even some of the people wearing the X badge will try to screw you. Don't let them, kid. You're the son of Jubilee, the grandson of Wolverine. Don't let anybody fuck you or take away your chances.

But do stay with the X. You might think about leaving sometimes. It's a hard life, but it's going to be a hard life no matter where you go. Fairy tales don't exist for people like us, but let me tell you a little secret, Shogo: They don't exist for anybody. Not the rich, not the wealthy, not the top-notch do-gooder church-goers, not the pure, nobody. Everybody hurts. Everybody has their sorrows and disappointments. You can't run away from any of them, but you can try to direct them. Not to sound like some lame, old song, but you can try to make a bad situation, no matter how bad, better. You can try not to let the disappointments knock ya down, and I know you're capable of not falling and surrendering to the baddies of life no matter what is thrown at you.

There's one thing I fear might sucker punch you, and that's mainly why I'm writing this letter. I don't know where yet, but I'm going to leave it somewhere you're going to find it when I'm gone. When I do die, if you can get it out of the battle, take my old, yellow trench with you. It's seen me through many nightmarish situations that have been real, and it's real warm on a cold night like tonight. It'll keep you warm, and you won't believe the things you can stash in its pockets without anybody ever being the wiser. Plus it'll make you think of mommy. I still have Wolveroonie's cowboy hat after all these years, and sometimes it's a real peace bringer. Trust me, you'll need the trench. Keep it, baby. Keep it, and think of me.

Not that you're need any help on that. You'll think of me nonstop for weeks, maybe even months, after I die. Then you'll think of me still in the quiet times and the sad times, in the good times and the bad times -- God, I sound so lame. I don't know how to say this, baby, but I'm trying. Bear with me. You know I love you. At least I know you'll never have questions about how I feel about you, how much I miss you, and how much I want to stay with you. I wondered that a lot about Wolvy when I was your age. And I was never sure how Ev and Angie felt about me before they were killed. Worse, I don't know if my mom and dad ever knew how much I missed them and regretted losing them when I did. You never quite get over the death of a parent, trust me. You just learn to keep living, because you know that's what we'd want for you.

Whatever happens to me, kid, I'll still be thinking of you. Just like in that Disney movie with the lions. I'll always be watching over you. I know that sounds lame, too, and I've questioned it many times. But trust mommy and the Supernatural techniques I've developed, ghosts are real and they do watch over you. They might not be able to fight for you. They might not be able to do a damn thing to protect you. But they do watch over you, and I will always watch over my son.

That's another thing I thought I'd never have happen. I thought I would never have a child. Nobody else has ever known this, but Angie and I tried for a baby in LA. We tried to form a normal life, but between the lack of being able to get pregnant and the fact that either mutant bad guys from my past life as an X-Man or gangsters from his old life kept showing up and making us fight (not each other, but their sorry asses), we eventually gave up. 'Course we didn't have much say in that matter when we were freaking kidnapped from our home and hung on crosses.

Yeah, your dear, old momma got crucified. That's another thing I've kinda tried to keep hidden from you over the years, but you're old enough to know now. I got crucified, and I lost one of my best friends, dearest boyfriends when he got crucified. He didn't make it. I barely did. Like I said, there are all kinds of nasty twists and turns that are going to sucker punch you, but some are worse than others. That was one of my worst.

But I made it, and so will you. You're the son of Jubilee, the grandson of Wolverine. There's not a damn thing in this world, or will there ever be, that you can't take, or that you can't beat. You are one Hell of a young man. I'm proud of you, and Wolvy was proud of the scrapper you already were when he passed. For a kid of five, you beat some serious butt back then.

I always thought I was going to be the last X-Man, especially after I was turned. I've told you the story a couple times, about how Big B came back and even identified me as the last X-Man. But I don't think there's ever going to be an end to the X-Men. At least I hope not. The world will always need Xavier's dream. It will always need our dream. There's always going to be hate and prejudice in this world, Shogo, so there's always going to be a need for a brighter lining, for some kind of hope, and that's what we X-Men are. We are a bright beacon of hope for the worst freaks, and I'm not even just talking about the X-Men. Anybody who doesn't feel like they fit in can look at us, look at our team and our crazy members both past and present, and get some kind of hope.

But the X-Men are more than that too. These people are your family, kid. I know you're fighting with Victoria right now, and I know some of us old peeps get on your nerves. Even I get on your nerves sometimes. (And guess what? You get on mine too.) But we are still your family. Take it from someone who thought the X-Men were the coolest thing ever and then tried to run away from home again and from her family and find a happier life: This is your home. These people are your family. Freaks that we are. You're a freak too, darling, and you belong here.

Don't make the same mistakes I did please. Whatever this big, ole nasty world throws at you, don't ever try to run away from who you are. You're only wasting years. You're not saving yourself tears, sorrow, or any kind of pain. In fact you're adding to it. Because when you are gone from your family and you lose somebody, you're going to kick yourself twice as hard. You're going to regret those times you could've had with them, and you're going to be so pissed at yourself when you realize you can't have any more.

But that's not entirely true. When I am taken from you, and I know it's going to happen one of these nights, it's gonna hurt us both. I'm gonna miss you like crazy. But I'm going to get to be back with Wolveroonie and the Professor and your actual, blood grandparents. I'm going to be reunited with all those who are gone now, who I miss, who you miss. Let me tell you, kid: That's the only damn thing that really makes leaving this life worth it.

So remember that, live your life while you have it, and then come home to me. Don't go doing anything stupid. Love me, but leave me. Let me go when my time comes. But don't ever let the X-Men go. I tried. Boy, did I ever try! I formed my own team. I went to Gen. X. I was even an Avenger for a while, and of course, there was that whole stupid thing in LA. I don't really regret that, because I had Angie and I loved Angie even if we never got married. But I do regret the time I could've had with this team, with my family, our family.

They were always here waiting for me, though, when I came back; it's because of Wolvy and Scott that I lived through being crucified. Those bastards staked me on the cross on this very lawn. Wolvy was crucified, too -- in fact, that's part of how I met him and he couldn't shake me --, but it was his healing factor that saved him. That, and me not leaving his side. My family not leaving me was what got me through my crucifixion.

I'm not saying don't live your life. Do. Do what makes you happy, but trust me. Leaving your family won't make you happy. Don't trust them all. Don't even like them all, because some of them aren't really meant to be here. We just don't know that yet, another thing I've had to learn the hard way over the years as various members came and went. Follow your gut. It will tell you who to trust. It will tell you who's meant to be here on this team, and in your family.

Love, and be loved, and don't ever, ever let the Dream die. It isn't about saving the world. It isn't about making a better place for mutantkind. That's only part of it. What it's really about is family, giving us freaks, mutants, and orphans who otherwise wouldn't have one a family and a home. Don't ever run out on that. Trust me, you'll just be losing time and come to think yourself for it eventually.

Keep the dream alive. Not for me. Not for Wolvy or for the Professor or for anybody else. Do it for you. And do it for any kids you might have. Knowing you, honey, when you read that line, you're going to scoff at me and roll those beautiful, big, brown eyes of yours, but you know what? I'd given up any chance of being a mommy. I'd given up ever thinking I'd have a husband or a child. Still didn't get the husband, but I did the child. Life has a funny way of both kicking you in the gut and giving you at least some of your dreams along the way. Cherish those you are given, and protect them to no end. Protect your right to have a family.

None of us are your blood. They weren't my blood. They were better. They are better. Much as I still miss my mom and dad, certain members of the X-Men have loved me and been far more to me and done way more for me than they ever did. My parents weren't the best people. There's a reason I didn't like staying at home, and a reason why I've never been sure if they knew how much they meant to me, a reason our bonds weren't better. But they loved me and they did the best they could, just as I have and will continue to do every moment of my life for you for however much more we have of it. I'll never desert you, Shogo, but one night, I will be taken from you. There's nothing anybody can do to stop that, just like one night, you'll be taken too, and that also cannot be stopped.

It's not our deaths that matter. It's not our births. It's our actual lives and the way we live them, baby boy. Live yours for you, but don't ever give up. Don't ever give up on the X, an don't ever give up on my son. You deserve to be happy; we all do. Be with those who make you happy. I just know, from personal experience, that they will be in this team. God leads the right people to this team, to this family, when we need it. I know you don't believe in Him right now, but you will one night. You'll believe, and you'll feel the same things that I do, and you will understand why I say the X-Men aren't about making a difference. They're about family. They're about home. And this, baby, is where we're both meant to be until we die and stay dead.

Oh, that's another thing: Don't be surprised if I'm dead for a few years and suddenly come back to life. We X-Men tend to have that ability somehow. I guess maybe the world's done with us or thinks it is, but God isn't. So don't be surprised if I come back, but don't look for me either and damn sure don't do anything you shouldn't do to bring mommy back. Let me rest unless I come home to you, and if not, then come home to me -- but only when the time is right. Don't do anything stupid. Keep making me proud, as you do every night you live and as I know you do all your family. I love you, kid, and I guess, except for leaving the X-Men a few times, there's nothing I really regret about this long life of mine because it brought me to you.

I love you, Shogo. Make Mommy proud. Don't ever give up on yourself, and don't ever give up on the dream, our dream, our family.

Love you, kid.

Your Mommy,
And your leader,
Jubilee