Title: to have and to hold
Fandom: Pokémon XY, Pokémon Masters
Challenge: #329, Hold
Rating: R
Length: 3,952 words
Notes: Takes place before and after the Give and Take Pokémon Masters event
Summary: Augustine finds comfort in Lysandre's arms. Lysandre doesn't know if he can afford himself that same luxury.



It wasn't exactly that Augustine's propensity for physical affection was difficult to deal with, but, for Lysandre, it was certainly something to deal with. Something he was not - and had never been - quite used to. Augustine was physically demonstrative at the best of times, indicating attention with a touch of the arm or a hand on one shoulder; beyond that, he was casual with his hugs in a way Lysandre never quite knew how to react to. Always catching him by surprise, even when clearly telegraphed; taken into an embrace on greeting one another, brief but firm, and then held at arm's length with a lopsided smile as Lysandre stumbled over how, exactly, to react. That was just how Augustine was, though - and, Lysandre supposed, just how he was, too.

They would spend quiet afternoons together, Lysandre tending to business on his tablet as Augustine paced around the room. He would take books from his shelves and sit with them for a time before abruptly going up to get another, seemingly unaware of the buildup of books and papers on his desk (and any other flat surface around him) until he declared it then time for a break, sighing deeply and throwing himself down against the couch. Sat at the end of it, Lysandre quietly marveled at how Augustine was able to angle himself to take up so much space, arm up against the cushions and feet hanging off the opposite edge in a somewhat undignified sprawl.

Lysandre didn't take his eyes away from the screen in his hand as he spoke. "Leaving those books out overnight will only create more work for you to do tomorrow."

Another - somewhat exaggerated - sigh. "I know. I know."

Augustine made no immediate attempt to move from where he lay, head next to Lysandre's thigh, staring up at him; Lysandre became aware of this latter point on briefly glancing down and finding his gaze met and held. Faltering, he turned his attention back to his tablet. "... It's getting late. Better for you to go to bed now than fall asleep in your chair."

"Hm. Or I could fall asleep here..."

Lysandre looked over Augustine's positioning once more. "Something I think your body won't thank you for."

"You might be right." Another couple of moments passed before Augustine pressed himself up into a seated position, apparently considering his options for a second or two before shuffling back to press against where Lysandre sat, letting his head fall to Lysandre's shoulder. "Or perhaps here would be nice..."

"I appreciate the implication that I might indeed be that comfortable, but I would still, I think, recommend your bed to you over your other options."

Neither confirming nor denying Lysandre's recommendation, Augustine moved once again, taking Lysandre's arm and lifting it enough to press further against him; Lysandre allowed his position to be gently manipulated, finding himself with his arm around Augustine's shoulders, tablet still in hand. Acting as if his presence gave no real impediment to whatever it was Lysandre was busying himself with, Augustine closed his eyes.

"I'd apologize for keeping you up, but you were always more of a Noctowl than I ever was."

"I could turn the same sentiment back around to you." Closing tabs and windows, Lysandre shut his tablet down. "I wouldn't like to think of you pushing yourself only for my benefit. Don't stay awake on my behalf, Augustine."

"It's pretty late. Too late to be heading home, I'd say. How terrible... I've kept you too long." Augustine pressed one hand to Lysandre's chest, as if to underline his point.

"I don't know if I'd say it was as late as that. Regardless of the time of day - or night - it's hardly an inconvenience to--"

"What I mean is, you should stay here tonight."

"--... I see." Glancing down, Lysandre saw that Augustine was staring up at him, now.

"No?"

"I think that this might still be a form of procrastination, but I suppose I'll allow it. The consequences shall be yours to face."

Augustine nestled further into the crook of Lysandre's arm. "Tell me more about these consequences."

"Let's see. Falling into an undesirable sleeping pattern would have an undeniable knock-on effect to your duties at the laboratory. There are others relying on you, you know - it's your responsibility to meet your tasks with the energy that they deserve. If you were to oversleep, what then? You'd be late, which would cause a delay, which might cause further delays... and so on. Do you have meetings scheduled? To be late for a meeting that you yourself organized in the first place is rather discourteous. It would be unfortunate if that was the impression you were to give to others. The last thing anybody wants is for the Pokémon Professor of a given region - such a pillar of the community! - to be thought of as unreliable. Don't you think?"

"... Always so pragmatic. That's what I love about you."

For as much as Lysandre might have argued against it, he couldn't help but admit, at least privately, that there was something pleasant about being sat there, holding Augustine in that manner. Seeing an opportunity - however small - Lysandre leant down to press a kiss to Augustine's temple, a move that caused eyes widened in slight surprise and then one of those smiles that always set Lysandre's heart racing. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stay like this. Even if Augustine were to fall asleep, Lysandre felt that it wouldn't be so much of a burden - he felt comfortable to sit there, and Augustine evidently felt comfortable enough pressed against him - but he also knew that the two of them couldn't stay on the couch for the whole night, and so that encouraged him into lightly shaking at Augustine's shoulders, not quite yet willing to let him fall asleep.

"Come on. We should go, if we're going."

"Hmnnnh."

Despite his reluctance, Augustine was eventually persuaded into standing up from the couch and off to get ready to sleep. Lysandre remained in the room for a short while longer, glancing at the books around and about as he walked past them; on one hand, it did no good not to encourage Augustine into tidying up after himself - but on the other, perhaps it didn't hurt to just gather up a couple of the books, replacing them back on the shelves (each in their proper place) as he heard the sounds of taps turned and water running elsewhere.

He came to the bedroom as Augustine was doing up the buttons of his nightshirt, acknowledging Lysandre walking into the room before pushing back the bedsheets and sitting on the edge, trying - and failing - to fight back a yawn.

"I'll set an alarm. Do you mind?"

"Do as you must."

Augustine took the bedside clock, adjusting the alarm to the required setting as Lysandre got into the side opposite. He replaced the clock and then turned off the bedside light, pulling the sheets over him before then feeling Lysandre's arms around him, wasting no time in wrapping around him and pulling him close. They lay comfortable in that silence long enough that Lysandre wondered if that was enough for Augustine to have given in to his slumber, but the quiet whisper of Augustine's voice told him otherwise.

"... It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"I suppose it has been."

"You're busy, I'm busy... I don't mind, though. Even if it's the end of the day, even if it's as I'm falling asleep... you could wake me up, telling me you wanted to come over. I wouldn't mind."

Again, Lysandre pressed a kiss into Augustine's hair. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I think that you might in fact mind, were I to do so. You can be quite resistant to being woken up, when you're feeling obstinate."

"When I'm feeling tired, I think you'll find."

"Regardless." (Another kiss, to Augustine's cheek.) "I think the concept might sound more romantic than the reality." (Then, to his neck. Once again, but for longer.)

"... I see. This is why you wanted to come to bed, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Lysandre shifted his position slightly, bringing one hand up to the line of buttons at Augustine's chest, unfastening them enough to bring the fabric down enough to kiss Augustine's shoulder. "As if I've never had you on that very couch we were just sat on previously." (And again.) "Why would I wait, if that was truly my intention?"

Augustine gave a trembling gasp. "A compelling argument." Leaning his head to the side, he exposed his neck further, inviting Lysandre to continue. "Meanwhile, I came to bed because it's been a long day, and I'm exhausted. Anything much more strenuous, and I'll probably fall asleep on the spot..."

"Then, you're in the right place to do so. Sensible."

"'I'll fuck you until you fall asleep,' is that right? Very seductive. What a killer line. I wish I could go back in time and give it to my younger self to try out."

Lysandre moved his hand to Augustine's stomach, teasing his fingers underneath the waistband of Augustine's pajama trousers. "And I'll be here when you wake, so that we may continue."

Moving to accommodate Lysandre's hands, Augustine moved to press his lips to the underside of Lysandre's jaw. "That line's not bad. You can consider me seduced."

"Oh? It's as easy as that, is it...?"

"When it's you. Mmh--... only--... only when it's you, Lysandre--..."

"Perhaps I should come to your bed more often. Who knows what sort of mischief you're getting yourself into otherwise...?"

"All those early nights and long lie-ins... falling asleep, book still in hand... being woken up by my alarm, turning it off, then falling asleep again for another hour... I could tell you of the heavy sleeping this mattress has seen, but I can't be revealing all of my secrets, can I?... And you're the one so concerned about me sleeping in, missing meetings, inconveniencing others..."

"Your calendar is your responsibility, not mine. My morning happens to be free. If you have several duties to juggle, that's up to you."

Augustine leant into Lysandre's chest, clutching against his shoulder as the hand at his stomach drifted lower. "God, Lysandre, talk to me more about timekeeping, push me to the limit with your words alone--!"

"Unless I've happened across a new predilection of yours, I might almost think that you're being insincere."

(Lysandre's touch was focused now, firm and definite, distracting Augustine away from further comebacks.) "I don't--... I don't know what you're--... oh--... mmh--... talking about--..."

"... I see." Lysandre held Augustine firmly with one arm while reaching between his legs with the other, his hand moving in quick rhythm to oppose his measured words. "Then, what's first on the schedule for tomorrow morning? I'd like to know. Perhaps there might be time later on for us to go to lunch together. It's been a while since we've done that, hasn't it? I think that would be a pleasant way to spend our time."

"Mmmmh--... ah--!"

"Your schedule, Augustine."

"I--... first thing--... conference call, at the laboratory--... probably--... that's probably most of the morning--... nnh--... I'm--... I'm expecting some reports--... gotta... gotta collate those... ffhh--... file those away... I--... Lysandre--..."

"Go on."

"That's--... there's nothing--... it's, it's mostly in the morning... afternoon's--... probably free, but--... ah--... there's--... there's always work to be done at the lab... could probably--... later on--... mmhh... nnng--" Lysandre's unceasing touch was quick to bring Augustine to climax, leaving him breathless and shuddering in Lysandre's hold. "You'll--... you'll have to remind me in the morning... probably... won't remember..."

"Of course. Worry about those things in the morning. There's hours to go before then."

"Hmm... and it's time to sleep... right?"

"Perhaps." Lysandre hooked one leg over both of Augustine's. "Perhaps not."

"If I didn't know better, I could almost say you're a bad influence on me, Lysandre. Almost."

"So long as it's only 'almost', then there's no need to worry."

"Ask me again after the conference call. See how I feel then."

"I'll be sure to do so."

(As it was, Augustine's morning went off mostly without a hitch; he made a point of being perky and present in the room, saving his yawns for when he had to duck out of shot to retrieve some other piece of research material. He liked to think that those on the other end of the line noticed little, and had a number of excuses ready to go should anybody ask; to say that he'd been up through the night researching wasn't a lie, after all - and perfectly understandable, surely?)


-----


The Pasio hotel room lay dark other than the lamp on the bedside cabinet, lighting up the small space between them and them alone. Lysandre sat on the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched, chin leant against his netted fingers and very pointedly not looking up beyond the stretch of carpet just to the left of Augustine's crossed legs, where he'd pulled a chair over to sit opposite. The silence held between them was long and felt longer; would Augustine be the first to break? Lysandre dared dart his eyes up further, to Augustine's folded arms--... and then looked back down, before closing his eyes and supposing that he would have to be the one to speak first.

"I--... know you must have some questions for me."

That caused a breath of amusement; Lysandre opened his eyes and looked up at Augustine, then; he was met by a shake of the head, no humor present. "You could say that." (Despite that statement, Augustine seemed in no hurry to ask any of them.)

"You must think me beyond apology. Beyond forgiveness."

"I don't think I'd ever say anybody beyond apology. The result, however, depends on the apology itself. Can you apologize? Of course, anybody could. Should you apologize? Only, I suppose, if you wish to. ...But you were never the type to say things that you didn't mean, were you, Lysandre?"

"I don't regret what I did."

"... No. I know."

Augustine's gaze was steady, practically unshakable - but with a steel that Lysandre wasn't sure that he'd seen before. He'd certainly known Augustine determined in the past, he never would have said otherwise, but this was different to that. His stare was as steel - cold, defenses raised. His eyes were cold. Lysandre knew that he hadn't seen that before.

"For the responsibility I was to shoulder, I could allow no regret. To handle that was, in itself, part of the responsibility."

"I see." (Cold, distant.)

"That--... is not to say that I have no regrets. Please don't think that of me."

"Because the plan failed?"

Lysandre closed his eyes for a moment, giving a short, sharp sigh. "One does not draw up plans with the intent to have them fail. That, itself, is undeniable. However, that--... that is not of what I speak. The fact of the matter is, indeed, that the plan failed. As a result, there were... unintended consequences."

"As opposed to the consequences of it succeeding?"

"I was prepared for those."

"I wonder. But, go on, you were saying? About these regrets of yours?"

"... I didn't mean to hurt you, Augustine. I--"

"No, you only meant to kill me. Amongst others. Many, many others, apparently."

"I--..."

"Sorry, I interrupted you. Please, continue."

"... The words are inadequate, I know. For you to have lived since then, with--... I cannot even say. With all of those unspoken questions. Confusion."

"Betrayal. Of everything we'd shared, spoken of, dreamed of."

"What apology could span the breadth of that? With words alone--... what can I say?"

Augustine pressed his hands to his knees as he got up out of the chair, walking behind it to lean against the back ridge, still staring at Lysandre. He made as if to speak-- but didn't, shaking whatever thought he'd had from his mind, running his hands through his hair as he walked away from the chair.

"I thought you were dead, of course. What else could I think?... What could I think? There was grief there, for the friend I thought I'd lost. And, even now, for the friend I knew I'd lost. ...It's been a long time to live with that, Lysandre. Having that grief mixed with, as you say, confusion. All of those questions I had - who could I ask? Who could answer them? I never thought I'd see you again. Death rarely provides closure, and certainly not in your case - I'd simply never know, and that was my responsibility to deal with. Or, to say 'deal with'... I had to live with it, because what else was there? I had no other choice." Augustine let his hands drop, looking back across at where Lysandre sat. "Now, however - here you are."

"... Indeed."

"It's like you say, though - the words don't feel enough. Saying I lived with that for years is not the same as waking up each day, enduring it. I could tell you of each day I spent like that, and it would still be a pale imitation of what it was actually like. You're right, that I have questions - but, faced with you now, even being able to form them feels impossible. So many things I wanted to know. Do I still want to know those things? I don't know."

"I'll answer any of them. I don't know if my answers will be enough, but I will answer you."

Sighing deeply, Augustine walked back to the chair - and further, to stand directly in front of Lysandre. Startled by Augustine's sudden proximity, Lysandre sat up straight, looking directly up at him - and then flinched, feeling hands on his shoulders.

"What--... are you doing?"

"I just kept thinking... maybe I never really knew him at all. Perhaps that's true. Maybe I didn't. But, you're here, now. Perhaps, now, I can understand the man that you are. It's like getting to know each other all over again, isn't it? Certainly, I enjoyed it the first time around. This time... who can say. 'Beyond forgiveness'?... To say that--... I wouldn't--... I don't want to be a person who would say that of anybody. However, that--... that isn't to say that--... perhaps I can't forgive you. I'm not the sole arbiter of forgiveness in this world, after all." Augustine leant forward, embracing Lysandre's shoulders, resting his head on top of Lysandre's own.

"Augustine, don't--..."

"I meant what I said, though. For as long and as much as I am able, I will show you hope. I was hurt, and I still hurt - but, I can heal. I will heal. Perhaps I can't forgive you, but your actions are what will determine that. Words don't feel like enough? Then, Lysandre - show me. If it takes years - that's fine. You're alive, and for as long as that's the case, there's still hope. That's... what I believe."

Lysandre froze in place, still unsure as to how to interpret Augustine's behavior. "You--... you shouldn't touch me. I don't--... I don't deserve--"

"It's not about 'deserving' or 'not deserving'. It's about responsibility. If you really were prepared to be responsible for your actions otherwise, then you can be responsible for this. You owe the world that much."

As determined as Augustine's words were, Lysandre still felt that steel to them. And he could feel Augustine's warmth, the deceptively gentle manner of his touch and the places in which their bodies pressed together - but now was a circumstance different to which Lysandre had ever known him, and he raised his arms awkwardly, floundering on whether he should physically reciprocate or not.

"I don't--... know what to say."

"Maybe you don't need to say anything. Not right now, anyway. Like I said - it'll take time."

Lysandre swallowed, his throat dry. "May--... I embrace you?" (Augustine was silent, silent for long enough that Lysandre felt deep misgivings on having asked in the first place.) "That was an unnecessary question. I apologize."

"Hm. That's the first thing you've really apologized for all evening. No, I just--... didn't know what to say, either." He lowered his voice, Lysandre still desperately waiting on each and every syllable. "... If you like. If you think it'd help. What can I say? I'm the one with my arms around you to begin with."

"Do... you want me to?"

"I don't know what I want from you anymore."

Hands inches away from Augustine's hips, Lysandre instead clenched his fists before he then brought his hands up to where Augustine still held him; he reached out and touched with apprehension, wrapping his fingers around Augustine's arms. That action seemed to cause no response, positive or negative. As such, Lysandre kept his hands in place.

"... Lysandre?"

"Yes?"

"... I'm going to go to bed." (Augustine still made no move to disentangle himself or step away from where Lysandre sat.) "I... expect to see you in the morning. Okay?"

"Of course."

"And after that, and after that..." His hold became tight became painful, digging his fingers into Lysandre's shoulders. "I--... I--..." Breath shaking, he took a moment to compose himself; breaking the embrace and pushing himself away, he held Lysandre's shoulders for a moment longer before withdrawing from him completely and stepping back towards the chair. "... If--... you were to vanish again, still with so many unanswered questions--..." (His eyes were uncertain as Lysandre met his gaze. He didn't finish his sentence.)

"I'll be here. I won't leave my room until you've come to greet me."

Augustine bit his lip, looking conflicted. "I'll--... hold you to that." He gave a bitter smile. "Although, if I woke once more to find you missing, what, then, could I do?"

"... I'll be here."

"Right." Augustine took a deep breath. "... Right."

"Lock the door, if you wish. I'll give you the key."

Hesitating, it seemed that Augustine almost considered Lysandre's offer as a viable option-- but smiled sadly, shaking his head. "All relationships are built on trust, aren't they? I'll... trust you on this. The rest can come later."

"I--... meant what I said. I didn't want you hurt. That I was the one to hurt you... I won't forgive myself for that. I can't."

"That's... for you to deal with. But, we'll--... I don't know. We'll see what tomorrow brings. And that starts with seeing you tomorrow. Which I will, because you'll be here." Augustine's words became brisk as he nodded to himself, confirming those plans almost to himself, as if Lysandre was disconnected to the situation. He was at the door to Lysandre's room, pressing down on the doorhandle, before Lysandre spoke again.

"I will be here. I promise."

Augustine flinched, gripping against the handle before turning around to face Lysandre once more. "Don't--... don't promise anything." He brightened, but too quickly. "... Goodnight, then."

"Goodnight, Augustine. It's--... it's good to see you again."

(On hearing those words, Augustine paused-- and then continued in opening the door and exiting the room, leaving without another word.)