Title: A Bunch Of Lonesome Heroes
Fandom: Guardian
Rating: Teen
Length: ~2100
Author's notes: Thanks for beta to runningondreams!
Content notes: If this were ao3, I'd tag breaking up and getting back together. Also, handwave-y post-canon.
Summary: Zhao Yunlan loved Shen Wei too much to let him continue like that.


It was a happy ending, Zhao Yunlan thought. It should be a happily ever after, a prize for trying to save the world: they survived. He hadn't expected it, in the end—and Shen Wei clearly hadn't planned for it. But Ye Zun lit the Lantern and Shen Wei was brought back to life.

Brought back to life. After he gave it away for Zhao Yunlan. Zhao Yunlan's nightmares didn't feature his own torture, no; instead he saw Shen Wei throwing himself in front of him on repeat, over and over again until Shen Wei shook him awake. Shen Wei, who almost never slept himself anymore, who was thinner than ever, who still refused to take five minutes to take care of himself and not Zhao Yunlan for a change—

And Zhao Yunlan. Couldn't take it anymore. He loved Shen Wei too much to let him continue like that.

Which was why he was now standing opposite Shen Wei, who was frowning at him with increasing concern, and looking for the right words.

As if. There were no right words for what he was about to do.

"I love you. So much," he said, which was important to state and the worst possible way to start this conversation. "But I'm done. I can't do it anymore. Not like this."

Shen Wei blinked at him.

"We're done, Shen Wei." It'd hurt less if he were digging his heart out with ice cream spoons.

Shen Wei went so pale for a moment Zhao Yunlan thought he'd pass out. He blinked again, but this time his eyes were visibly red.

And then he just nodded.

Perhaps the worst thing of all was how he didn't pretend to misunderstand Zhao Yunlan. How he didn't argue. How he looked as if he'd been expecting it, really. Like it made sense for Zhao Yunlan to break up with him.

What the hell, Shen Wei, Zhao Yunlan wanted to say. Wanted to shake him by his shoulders and explain how important he was. But that was exactly the problem: Shen Wei didn't know it, wouldn't get it, would always choose Zhao Yunlan over himself, and Zhao Yunlan—saw no other way to stop him, not anymore.

You're worth it, Shen Wei had whispered in a fervent voice, no doubts and no hesitation, but Zhao Yunlan wasn't.

"I'm—" Zhao Yunlan stopped himself. Shen Wei deserved better than I'm sorry and let's stay friends and it's not you, it's me. Shen Wei deserved to live his life for himself.

And Zhao Yunlan wasn't going to be the reason for his sacrifices. Not anymore.

Fuck, but he should've realised that ten thousand years ago—but back then he'd thought they were happy, that they would win, that Shen Wei wouldn't go and kill himself for him. But all of what Shen Wei had done, and here he was, still so very sure he didn't mean as much to Zhao Yunlan as Zhao Yunlan clearly did to him.

"I understand," Shen Wei said. His voice broke in the middle of it. It was awful. "You don't have to explain."

He didn't understand, though. There were unshed tears in his eyes, and Zhao Yunlan knew, just knew, that the next words out of his mouth would be, I'm fine, it's okay, I will be all right.

"I'm—" Shen Wei pressed his hand against the pendant. The pendant that Zhao Yunlan now knew the significance of.

"Please don't."

Shen Wei nodded again. He reached out as if to touch Zhao Yunlan, but let his hand drop.

Zhao Yunlan thought this couldn't get any worse, and it was all his damn fault, but—

Shen Wei took off his pendant. Dropped it on the counter. Whispered, "I'm sorry."

And then he was gone, out of their—Zhao Yunlan's apartment as if he'd never been there.

***

Zhao Yunlan got blackout drunk that night. It didn't stop him from dreaming about Shen Wei: a new dream, this time; no longer just Shen Wei dying with a smile on his face, but Shen Wei with that horrible expression on his face where it was so obvious he was about to cry and didn't let himself; all because of Zhao Yunlan.

Probably so that he wouldn't upset him, too.

Zhao Yunlan wanted to break something.

***

They kept seeing each other in official meetings. The Black-Cloaked Envoy and the Lord Guardian were both needed to renegotiate the treaty, and Shen Wei's face was carefully blank under his mask every time their eyes met.

He was so very pale. Zhao Yunlan wanted to believe it was only because he was spending more time in Dixing.

He commended Zhao Yunlan's ideas. He was the perfect negotiation partner. He always arrived precisely on time and left the moment the talks were finished for the day.

They were still operating by the old rules in the absence of an updated agreement, but the Envoy never came to the SID anymore. Dixing crime had gone down a lot, but it still happened sometimes. Lao-Chu escorted criminals back to Dixing and never looked Zhao Yunlan in the face.

Zhao Yunlan came back home one day to see a young couple move into the apartment opposite his.

Da Qing told him it was his own damn fault.

Zhao Yunlan checked the Biology Faculty's website—definitely not so that he could drive by the campus when Shen Wei should be getting there—and saw that Shen Wei was no longer listed as a professor.

Zhao Yunlan bought a little silk bag and put Shen Wei's pendant in it. He kept it in his pocket. He couldn't bear the thought of losing it any more than he could bear the thought of wearing it himself.

He wondered if it was too late to apologise, but that was the selfish part of him. He missed Shen Wei like air, but. Shen Wei had to be doing better, didn't he?

***

Shen Wei was not doing better.

Zhao Yunlan did a shitty job of pretending not to observe him, but this is how he noticed it: Shen Wei's hand shaking, just for a moment, when he reached for a glass of water when one round of negotiations ran too long. Shen Wei blinking too often behind his mask, as if tired. Shen Wei's cheekbones, more pronounced even with the hood obstructing his face. The moment when he stood up when they were done, not caring for the behind-the-scenes mingling, and swayed.

Zhao Yunlan was out of his chair before he could stop himself.

Their eyes met.

Shen Wei, who had never before used a Dixing power in plain view of all the negotiators, teleported himself out.

Zhao Yunlan cast an eye at the rest of the Dixing delegation, but they seemed as startled as everyone.

The next day, the Envoy did not show up.

***

It came to a head when Zhao Yunlan was chasing a culprit of a recent, very gruesome murder case. So maybe running through a few city blocks, while hungover, after someone who could rip someone apart with dark energy with his mind was not Zhao Yunlan's brightest decision, but it wasn't like he had many choices.

He chased the culprit to a blind alley. He reached for his gun, but he was feeling sick and his reflexes were too slow. He saw the Dixingren gather dark energy in his hands; prepared himself for the pain.

Shen Wei covered him.

It was like all of Zhao Yunlan's nightmares, brought to life again: Shen Wei falling to the ground, blood on his face, looking fucking relieved.

Zhao Yunlan pulled his gun and fired, but he felt like it was someone else controlling his body.

He went to his knees next to Shen Wei, batter his hands away from his chest. His black robes were gone, and his grey suit was stained with too much blood.

Zhao Yunlan swallowed the scream that threatened to rip out of his throat.

"Heal yourself."

"Yunlan—you're fine." Shen Wei sounded weak.

"I'm never fine when you get hurt for me!" Zhao Yunlan yelled. "Heal yourself."

"Can't."

This was exactly what Zhao Yunlan had wanted to avoid when he broke both of their hearts. He should've known better. Shen Wei had waited for him for ten thousand years. Why would Zhao Yunlan pushing him away stop him from caring?

How was Zhao Yunlan supposed to keep him safe?

"Don't give me that," he snapped. "You're the most powerful person in the world. You can heal yourself."

But he was pale and thin even before Zhao Yunlan broke up with him. Continually exhausted after saving everyone. Swaying on his feet after negotiations. Something was wrong with him—still or again—and Zhao Yunlan had no idea what.

He held Shen Wei's hand. "Don't you dare die."

He dialled lao-Chu; got exactly the curt and rude response he'd come to expect in the last few weeks. But if there was one good thing to come from the weeks of negotiations, it was that the first thing agreed on—and put into effect immediately, on the Envoy's insistence—was that Dixingren on the surface should have access to medical attention.

Zhao Yunlan could bet that Shen Wei had never considered this measure might eventually save his own life.

"Bring a Dixing healer here, now," he told lao-Chu and cut the connection short.

"You're upset," Shen Wei whispered.

"Yeah, it's not as if the love of my life sacrificed himself for me again!" If Zhao Yunlan sounded hysterical, he didn't care. He pressed on the wound in Shen Wei's chest, but he doubted it could help anything; the damage caused by the Dixingren was extensive.

Shen Wei gasped in pain. His eyes fluttered closed, but he kept talking. "But you—you didn't want me."

Zhao Yunlan wanted to shake him. And possibly himself, too.

"I didn't want you to pull exactly this again," he said.

"I'll always protect you," Shen Wei said, because of course he was going to argue when bleeding out.

"Chief—Lord Envoy!"

Lao-Chu pulled Zhao Yunlan away, hard. Zhao Yunlan didn't mind: his place was immediately taken over by the healer—Li Zhang, if Zhao Yunlan wasn't mistaken.

"I thought I told you to rest, Lord Envoy," she chastised even as she started pouring dark energy into Shen Wei.

***

Zhao Yunlan had no right to do it, but he still insisted Shen Wei be taken to his flat to recuperate.

"Why is he so weak?" he'd asked Li Zhang before she left.

"He's not," she'd answered, obviously irked—but possibly at Shen Wei and not at Zhao Yunlan's question. "He just needs to rest to regain his energy. But he hasn't stopped pushing himself in months. I was the Palace healer. I treated him, after. He'd be fine by now if he only listened to me."

It made both pure relief and absolute guilt wash through Zhao Yunlan to hear that. He had an inkling that he might've been responsible for Shen Wei pushing past his limits.

This was really, really the opposite of what he'd wanted.

He sighed. He took Shen Wei's pendant out of the pouch and put it back around Shen Wei's neck.

***

Shen Wei slept for ten straight hours. When he finally woke up, Zhao Yunlan was sitting next to him, tired but at least not hungover anymore.

"Zhao Yunlan," Shen Wei said. He looked around. His hand went to his neck, and he looked surprised when his fingers found the pendant. "I—"

"I'm sorry," Zhao Yunlan cut in. "I'm sorry."

Shen Wei looked confused. "You have nothing—"

"I have everything to apologise for, and don't you dare tell me otherwise."

Shen Wei fell silent. He pushed himself up in the bed. He still looked exhausted.

"I should go," he said.

Zhao Yunlan should stop playing with his heart, but. He already knew he failed in his pathetic attempt at protecting Shen Wei. Why keep torturing them both?

"You could stay," he offered.

Shen Wei tilted his head.

"I was wrong," Zhao Yunlan said. "I hoped—well, it clearly was a horrible idea. But I hoped that you'd be . . . happier, without me."

"Zhao Yunlan." Shen Wei blinked at him. "I will never be happier than when I am at your side."

It kind of made Zhao Yunlan want to cry.

"Same." His voice was hoarse. "I'm so sorry, Shen Wei. I—will you stay?"

Shen Wei hesitated—for the shortest moment, but he did. Maybe it meant that he actually started to consider his own well-being. Or maybe it didn't mean anything at all.

"Yes," he said, heavy like a promise.

Maybe, if Shen Wei was willing to let him, Zhao Yunlan could show him he mattered in a way he would, at last, understand.