Title: The Reassurance of Your Heartbeat
Author: Katya Starling
Dedicated To: <3 My beloved J <3
Fandom: Original
Characters/Pairing: OMC/OFC
Rating: PG/K+
Challenge/Prompt: Fan FlashWorks 293: Circle and Short Fics 60: Afraid That You Might Open Your Eyes
Word Count: 1,483
Date Written: 14 March 2020
Warnings: None
Summary: Sometimes, I'm still afraid to open my eyes.
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.









There are still times when you're sound asleep beside me and I wake, full of fear. I think you're there beside me. I certainly feel a presence beside me. But fear claws at my mind, bringing me back, forcing me to remember, forcing me to be afraid that you might leave me again . . . Rather by your own choice or not, it wouldn't matter. All that would matter was that you were gone.

I suppose I still put too much stock into you, too much faith perhaps, too much belief. You are only a man after all, but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never thought I'd be loved. I never thought I'd be wanted in that special way. So in those early morning hours when I'm just coming out of a dream, it's easy to fear you might not actually be there beside me. It's what makes me afraid to open my own eyes.

But then when I do finally allow my eyelids to slide open, when I finally hold my breath and still my heart as best I can, when I finally actually look for you, there you are, sleeping so soundly, so sweetly beside me. You think you're ugly, and I've always wondered how on Earth you could think such things, despite your background and all that callous, cruel people who have told you you are. It's in moments like these, however, that I remember that most and my breath catches for it feels so much like gazing upon one of God's Angels.

Your hair is as fine as the most radiant sunshine, your face so beautiful . . . He truly broke the mold when he made you. You're not ugly, baby; you're anything but. Even if you were, though, it wouldn't matter. I know I'm prejudiced. I'd love you with all my being as I do now even if you were as ugly as a dog, and even if you were, you'd still look every bit as gorgeous and glorious to me.

I watch you, watch the rise and fall of your sweet chest as you sleep. I reach for you with fingers that almost tremble, touching you, making certain you're real first and not just a figment of my hopes and dreams. Only then do I allow myself to really caress you, to run my fingers over that soft patch of beautiful, dark hair on your chest. I play with your hairs for a moment before moving over to one of your nipples.

Every time I look at you I want you so badly, but my desire runs deeper than that. It runs deeper than the passion between us, than sex or even love. I ache for you to be happy. I yearn for your sweet, complete smile. I know how much you've hurt, how much you still do every day and night. The memories of all you've suffered are just a second away at any moment. The slightest thing can stir them, and you still have far too much pain, both physical and worse of all, spiritual.

You tremble slightly in your sleep, and I pause in my strokes. I look with concern at your beautiful face, but your eyes aren't open. Your smile's gone, though. I notice that instantly, and words start spilling from my lips. "It's okay, baby," I whisper. "It's okay." I keep my voice loud enough that you can hear me clearly in your dreams but still soft enough that I won't fully wake you. "I'm here." I cuddle closer, curling my body around yours, and kiss your shoulder. "I'm here. Everything's okay. We're okay."

I keep ushering reassurances until at last your twitching calms. I kiss your elbow, your chest, your cheek, and I keep kissing you tenderly until your sweet, pink lips finally curve back up into a smile. Then I lay again with my head on your strong shoulder, my body still curled around yours. We've been through so much, you and I hurt. We hurt every day, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Between the two of us, there is not a pain we haven't known.

And yet . . . Yet the journeys have been completely worth it, because they've led us together. God has let us suffer, I'm sure, so that we can understand and relate to each other's pain better than anyone else ever has or will. We know one another inside and out. We know each other's darkest secrets and most terrible and sweetest dreams. We know our fears . . .

. . . for the most part. But I wonder if you really comprehend all of mine? Do you know I still fear that one day I am going to open my eyes and you're not going to be there? That one day you are going to run away again, even if you're only doing it, or so you think, to keep me safe? There is no safety without you. There is no desire, not to live or continue the ongoing fight against this world and all its monsters. Most of all, there is no love.

Every moment that I fought while we were apart, I was fighting to get back to you. You thought I had you on a pedestal, but no, baby, that isn't it. You have your failings. We each do; we all do. None of God's children except the Savior was made perfect, but He made us for each other. I never felt whole until the first time you kissed me, and that kiss, as I always say, truly was like the Prince awakening Sleeping Beauty. You'd be the first to tell me you're no Prince, but you are to me. You are my Prince, my soul mate, my husband, the love and light of my life, and the mere thought of ever losing you . . .

I shudder as the fear plays back through my mind. Yes, you were here this time, but what of the next time? What if you ever again think you have to leave me for my own safety? What if you do flee, and I can't find you? What then? This world will hold nothing else for me, nothing else worth fighting through all the pain and sorrow, all the horribleness that is all around us every day. This world means nothing to me if I don't have you with whom to share it, all its ups, and all its downs.

Don't ever do that to me, I ache to whisper to you. You've told me a thousand times over you'll never leave me again, that you never should have, and that you're sorry for all that's happened in the numerous, bad ways. You've apologized for everything you've ever done wrong, and for a million things you feel you should be sorry for, most of which aren't even your fault. If I voiced my fears, you'd hold me close and tell me again and again you're not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere, so why do I still fear it? Why do I still fear your mysterious disappearance, your unexpected absence from much more than my bed, my arms, my life, my heart?

You're still asleep, and I hope you're dreaming better now. You seem to be; you're much more relaxed and calm. You're still smiling that sweet, wonderful smile that always lights my heart, even now when senseless fear threatens to engulf me. You are still asleep, still dreaming, but somehow, you seem to sense me, much as I always sense you, even when we're not together. You turn over and reach out, wrapping your arms around me, lifting me up so your strong, warm embrace can fully circle my torso. Your fingers thread deeply in my hair, quelling the trembles of which I've just now become aware, and even your leg hikes over mine, pulling me as close as two bodies can possibly be without being fully one.

Your breath washes over my face, and suddenly, I'm nose to nose with you. You're completely wrapped around me. You're not going anywhere. You kiss me. "I love you," you whisper, and I know again you truly aren't going anywhere. My fears are senseless, even if I cannot help them, but you are not leaving me again. You're here for the long run. You're here for eternity, or at least for as long as our hearts beat.

You kiss me again, and I finally settle down in your wonderful embrace. "I love you too," I whisper, and then realize that I can hear your heart beating in the silence that ensues. I listen to that wonderful sound, to your heart beating and your breath inhaling and exhaling, reminding me that you are here and not going anywhere, and finally I drift back off to sleep too.

The End