Fandom: Torchwood

Characters: Jack, Ianto

Author: m_findlow

Rating: PG

Length: 3,117 words

Content notes: none

Author notes: Written for Challenge 284 - Decoration

Summary: A boring council dinner is livened up by some organic misadventures.

'For a gig put on by the council, this isn't half bad,' Jack said, taking in the decor and the way city hall had been transformed into a gala ballroom for the night, compete with fairy lights and long swathes of taffeta hanging from the roof and gathered at predetermined intervals. If they'd been going for the magical palace look, they'd nailed it. The room was packed with large round tables seating ten a piece, covered in crisp white tablecloths and adorned shining silver cutlery. A waiter in a neat tuxedo stood not five yards away, attending to their guests every need.

'Your council taxes hard at work,' Ianto replied, fussing with his cufflink. The dinner suit had been rented at the last minute, but the cufflinks were his. They just wouldn't sit right in the holes however.

'These little bread rolls are amazing,' Jack said, spreading a thick layer of butter on his third one for the evening and taking an enormous bite. 'We should ask them where they get them from. I could eat these all night.'

'You basically have,' Ianto replied. 'So far, you've had yours, mine and the guy next to yours, who luckily for you turned out to be gluten intolerant.'

'I thought that one was mine,' Jack argued, taking another bite.

'Always take from the left,' Ianto lectured him. 'Didn't they teach you anything in school?'

'If they'd had bread rolls as good as these I would have never left school.'

'Of course you wouldn't have,' Ianto replied, giving him a half-hearted roll of his eyes. 'Can you at least try to show some semblance of table manners? People will think Torchwood are nothing but a bunch of cavemen if you carry on like this. We're meant to be making a good impression.'

Jack swallowed a large mouthful of bread. 'You really wanna be invited to more of these things?' he asked. 'They're usually so stuffy and boring. I've been avoiding them for years. No idea how we ended up back on the list.'

Ianto smiled at the admission. Of course Jack would find these sorts of events tiresome answered dreary. 'If the council invite the local minister for waste management and sewage, I think we deserve to be at the table as well, don't you?'

Jack pulled a face at the comment. 'Please tell me you're not comparing us to some guy who manages rubbish and poo?'

'No. But if lowly public servants like him get a look in, why not us? Don't we deserve a night of being treated to fine wine and food? We have to deal with a lot of rubbish ourselves.'

'And poo,' Jack added, nodding emphatically.

'Yes.' For lack of a more diplomatic term, they did seem to deal with an inordinate amount of poo, as Jack so plainly put it. Not all of it was alien or dinosaur related either. Some of it arrived via email or phone call and was just as equally distasteful, if not more so.

'Don't ruin your dinner,' Ianto warned Jack as he began eyeing off the bread roll that had been abandoned by one of their table's guests whilst they were no doubt schmoozing with some other local government official. The town planning councilor that had been seated next to Ianto had left to take a phone call, whilst Jack's gluten free guest was chatting with the woman to his right. Another woman across the table from them, whose current occupation was unknown, was desperately attempting to make eye contact with Jack to strike up a conversation, although Ianto could tell from the glint in her eye that she didn't have any local government issues on her mind. If Jack had taken any notice, he'd have had her hanging on his every word. What a shame it would be when she discovered that Jack was already spoken for.

Ianto wasn't sure who he was supposed supposed to talk to, apart from Jack. In truth, the invite had come as a surprise. No doubt some overly efficient underling had added them to the list of attendees, having spotted their names on some list of key organisations in Cardiff. Normally anyone from government, and most big enterprises in the city, gave them a wide berth. Despite the fact that they hadn't done anything overly destructive for what felt to Ianto like years now - but which perhaps was only really a few months - their not so secret organisation had quite a reputation, and not particularly glowing.

There was a tinkle of a fork against a wine glass which had people turning their heads in the general direction of the sund. 'If you could all please retake your seats, main course is about to be served.'

'Finally,' Jack cried, a little too loudly. 'I'm starving.'

'Half a pizza for lunch and three bread rolls just now and you're still hungry?'

Jack just shrugged, not seeing any issue.

'So, what do you do, Mr Jones?' the town planner asked, having returned to the table. 'Are you one of tonight's fancy benefactors?'

'Just a public servant like you,' he replied cordially, reaching for his wine glass.

'Which department?'

'Torchwood.' Ianto held his breath for the inevitable beat. Holding his glass just gave him an appropriate reason to pause for the response.

'Oh.' And there it was. How so much dejection and disappointment could be conveyed in just a single syllable always amazed him.

'It's mainly intelligence gathering,' Ianto continued on, as if such a response was totally normal and expected. 'The rumours about what we do are grossly exaggerated.' Which was to say they didn't come anywhere near close to describing the madness that they dealt with on a daily basis.

'Right.' The town planner picked up his wine glass and drank deeply from it for such a long time that Ianto took that to be the polite end of their conversation. Now Ianto understood why they never got invited and why Jack would decline. With a reception like that, who wanted to be stuck at one of these things?

The waiters began to scurry around, topping up glasses and bringing out plate after plate of food, setting each in its place around the tables until finally their own were served.

'How come you get the steak?' Jack asked, staring dejectedly down at the plate of pink steamed trout in front of him.

'They alternate.'

'Can we swap?'

Ianto's mouth was watering at the mere idea of how good that eye fillet was going to taste. Even the roasted potatoes and the buttery beans looked tasty. 'No chance,' he replied. He sacrificed a lot for Jack, but not this time.

Jack poked at the fish with his fork. 'God, that looks like mashed swede underneath. I hate swede.'

'You'll live,' Ianto assured him. 'You have to get over the whole swede thing eventually.'

'Please?'

Ianto huffed. 'Fine,' he said, grabbing the plates and thrusting them in opposite directions, leaving him with the fish. The only thing worse than Jack nagging him, was Jack sulking when he didn't get what he wanted. 'I'll eat the fish.'

'Well, you had better make sure you eat all your vegetables as well,' Jack nagged him. 'You don't just get to have the fish. All the carrots and the swede, Mister.'

'I do wish you'd stop going on about that. I eat more vegetables than you.'

'Since when?'

'Since forever.'

'Rubbish,' Jack replied, frowning as Ianto pushed the parsley off the top of his fish with his knife. 'You're not even going to eat that just because it's green.'

Ianto heaved a sigh. 'It's garnish. You're not supposed to eat it. It's just there to make the dish look more pretty.'

'Says who?'

'Says me,' Ianto snapped, annoyed at himself for getting dragged into one of Jack's petty arguments.

Jack rolled his eyes at Ianto. 'Oh, the vegephobic one.'

Ianto put his knife down for the moment, lest he be tempted to stick someone with it. 'That's not even a real word. Now be quiet and let me eat my fish. They say omega 3 is good for your brain. That's why you should have it.'

'Don't change the subject, Ianto.'

'Don't make a scene, Jack,' Ianto hissed under his breath. 'I'm not arguing with you about this here.'

'Fine, I'll prove to you that I eat more vegetables than you.' He picked the parsley off the side of Ianto's plate and shoved it on his mouth. 'Ha! Now who doesn't eat their greens, huh?'

Ianto rolled his eyes again. Jack would eat ten plates of mashed swede just to prove a point if it suited him.

Jack coughed and Ianto was about to turn around and tell him it served him right for being so smug but there was a hand on his shoulder gripping it tightly as Jack coughed again.

'What's wrong?'

Jack coughed, unable to get the words out. Ianto could see he was struggling to speak between fits of coughing.

'Is he alright?' the town planner asked, frowning at the pair of them.

'Something must have gone down the wrong way, that's all,' Ianto assured him. 'He never chews his food properly.' He tried offering Jack a glass of water but Jack had one hand to his mouth and the other now gripping the edge of the table as he turned sideways to bend over and attempt to cough the thing back up.

'Dear God, he's going blue!' cried the woman from across the table that had been stalking Jack with her eyes all night.

Ianto had only taken his eyes off Jack for a moment but now noticed that his face was indeed turning from red to blue. He managed to grab Jack just in the nick of time as he lurched forward in his chair, collapsing onto the floor in a tangled heap with Ianto.

'Somebody call an ambulance!' someone said.

'Is anyone here a doctor?' another called out.

Christ, Ianto thought, feeling the eyes of everyone in the room turning on him as Jack wheezed, unable to get dislodge whatever was stuck in his throat.

'Don't you dare make a scene in front of four hundred and fifty people!' Ianto hissed at him, though knowing it was unlikely Jack was listening to a word anyone said.

'Ambulance is on its way,' someone told him.

'That won't be necessary,' Ianto insisted. As he said it, Jack's eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he slumped all the way to the floor.

'He's not breathing. Oh God, is he dead?'

'It's fine,' Ianto said, trying to quell the rising panic of his fellow table guests and everyone else in the immediate vicinity. 'He's just passed out from panicking too much.' It was a bold faced lie. He didn't have to press his fingers to Jack's neck to know that much longer without breathing as he was as good as dead. Bloody idiot. If he wasn't already dead, Ianto might have killed him. Only Jack could go and get himself killed in the middle of a room full of people.

There wasn't time to go through the usual emotions associated with Jack dying. Usually Ianto felt sick to his stomach, sometimes close to tears, trying to be as calm and reassuring as he could, if not for his benefit, then for Jack's. One of them had to keep a calm head and Jack wasn't in a position to be the reassuring one. That was assuming he took notice of anything, let alone Ianto's emotional state of mind.

Jack couldn't die here. This wasn't like going to a conference with UNIT or the KVI or any of their other international sister agencies. No one knew about Jack's unique abilities. If an ambulance turned up and pronounced him dead and then he suddenly came back it could be disastrous. Torchwood was a bad enough kept secret as it was. If people knew about Jack...

'Someone grab a jacket and make a screen,' someone said. 'We don't need the whole room gawking.'

When Ianto found out who had made that suggestion he was going to give them a hug. It turned out decency and dignity still had a place, even for Jack. Why shouldn't he be afforded the same consideration?

'Wake up, damn you,' Ianto whispered, cupping Jack's pale face. 'You stupid, idiotic, crazy, moronic, lump of a human being. Dying here tonight is not part of the night's scheduled entertainment.'

'As if on cue,' Jack gasped loudly, causing not a few startled screams from nearby onlookers. Ianto quickly rolled him onto his side as he got to his knees, gasping in a few deep breaths. 'Bloody hell! Thank God for that!' someone said. 'It must have dislodged itself when he fainted.'

'All the muscles in your body relax when you faint,' someone agreed. 'Probably carried on its merry way after that.'

'I fainted?' Jack asked, looking confused at Ianto who had a firm hand on his back, resisting the urge to send it higher and to strangle Jack properly.

'Yes,' Ianto agreed for the benefit of everyone within earshot. 'Something went down the wrong way and you passed out whilst trying to cough it back up.'

'Oh. Whoops.'

Whoops? All that chaos and all Jack had to say for himself was whoops? Ianto clenched his teeth together, holding himself back from the vitriolic tongue lashing Jack deserved. There'd be time later for that when things were a little more private. He'd only look like a complete cad for going mental at his fiancé in front of a crowded room when they'd all thought he might die.

'Next time how about you don't attempt to eat the garnish off someone's plate? It's there for decoration only.' He slowly helped Jack back to his feet and cringed at the smattering of applause filtering around the room at Jack's miraculous recovery. In Ianto's humble opinion, stupidity did not need to be congratulated or applauded. It didn't matter just how truly miraculous his resurrection actually was.

'I've brought you a glass of water,' the woman from across the table said, holding it out. 'You gave us quite a scare, there.'

Jack took it in good faith, drinking it down. 'Wasn't my intention, I assure you. Thank you for the water...'

'Evelyn,' she said, preening as she gave him her name, as if she had single-handedly saved his life.

'I don't know what I'd without you, Evelyn,' Jack replied, turning on his trademark charm.

'Would someone please tell me what's happening over here?' came an officious voice and the clicking high heels. Ianto knew that voice anywhere. It was their current lord mayor, or mayoress, though she hated being referred to as such. At least this one wasn't an alien, unlike the last two, though sometimes it was debatable. At least the alien ones understood what they were facing. It was just a pity that both of them had been here illegally and only uncovered through unfortunate circumstances.

The clicking heels came to a sudden halt. 'Oh, it's you two,' she said, frowning like a school principal in front of two naughty children sent to her office. In her gaudy jade green dress suit, she looked like a guest at a bad Halloween party rather than a formal council gala. She narrowed her eyes first at Ianto and then at Jack. 'I trust that I don't have anything to be concerned about here?'

'Nope,' Ianto quickly replied before Jack could put the proverbial foot in his mouth. 'Just a little something went down the wrong way. Jack is fine now. Really. Please carry on with things. We're very sorry to have disrupted proceedings. Accidents do happen.'

'Mmm,' she hummed, still sounding displeased. 'Very well, then. I can't convince you to take him to that hospital to be checked over as a precaution?'

'I'm totally fine,' Jack insisted, running an hand down the front of his crisp white shirt, smoothing it back into place. 'Takes a lot to take me down.'

'How very fortunate for you. Particularly in your line of work,' she replied, holding back from saying anything that might be construed as pithy or politically unsound. She turned on her heel and returned to her own table, right at the front of the room, and about as far as she could get from the pair of Torchwood agents.

Slowly people began returning to their seats, all continuing to murmur about the excitement of having someone nearly die. Apparently it made for the most interesting event any of them had been to in years, if the comments were anything to go by. Small wonder someone hadn't died of boredom if this was considered entertaining.

'I hope I didn't miss dessert,' Jack said.

Ianto didn't bother to sigh or roll his eyes at Jack fixation on food. 'You didn't even miss main course. You only caused a few minutes of drama, thankfully. See if you can't keep your head down for the rest of the night, yeah?' This would be the very last time they got invited after tonight. If there was an official blacklist, their names would be going straight to the top. Worst was that it wasn't even for any good reason. Ianto could have accepted it if they'd come in here guns blazing to apprehend some alien hell bent on eating human spleens.

Jack sat down, feeling mildly contrite at having caused something of a commotion, for what reason he could no longer remember. As he tucked his napkin back onto his lap, and reached for his knife and fork, mouth watering at the sight of that juicy piece of steak, the plate was stolen out from underneath him.

'Please take mine,' the woman across the table insisted. 'The fish will be much softer, and that mash is just perfect after the ordeal you've had. You don't want some giant piece of steak to have to battle through.'

'That's very kind of you,' Ianto said, beaming at the woman who up until now had annoyed him, but who was now vindicating Ianto's own ordeal. 'I couldn't agree more. Something nice and soft that will be easy to swallow. You can't be too careful about these things.'

'But it's swede,' Jack hissed, making his objection known.

'You said you didn't have a problem with vegetables,' Ianto reminded him. He flaked off a portion of fish and added a scoop of the mash, chewing on it slowly. 'Mmm, delicious. Oh, and I'd better take that,' he added, reaching over and snaffling the piece of garnish off the top. 'Just in case you get any more brilliant ideas. Bon appétit.'