title: Relentless
fandom: Guardian
characters: Shen Wei, Zhao Yunlan
words: ~1,200
contents: angst, secrets, more angst, SO MUCH ANGST, and a wee bit of paranoia. Let's say spoilers, too, just to cover the bases
Summary: Zhao Yunlan is a detective.
Shen Wei considers himself a strong-willed person. Determined. Steadfast. His mind and his heart are both difficult to sway. He is, for the most part, certain of the path he has chosen, and nothing will deter him.
But Zhao Yunlan... Zhao Yunlan is relentless.
Looking back, Shen Wei can see how thoroughly Kunlun interrogated him. Over the six months they knew each other, Shen Wei gladly told him everything. He had excused his unusual willingness at the time: in a war, there is no cause for reticence. He told Kunlun things about himself that he had never before -- and has never since -- told another living soul.
In the present, with secrets he cannot share... that unremitting curiosity is a torment.
[*****]
“Remind me, when did we first meet?”
Zhao Yunlan asks it as an idle question one night as they lie in bed, the smell of sweat and sex still filling the room. His cheek is pressed to Shen Wei’s chest, his arm draped around Shen Wei’s ribcage. From that position, Zhao Yunlan couldn’t miss the stutter in Shen Wei’s breath.
“Three months ago, at the University.” It is a true statement, Shen Wei reminds himself, no matter how much it feels like a lie. “You can’t have forgotten so quickly.”
“You’d think so.” He can feel Zhao Yunlan’s smile pressed into his skin. “It seems like we’ve known each other longer.”
[*****]
Zhao Yunlan never asks outright, not after that first conversation when Shen Wei refused to answer. It takes more than a month for Shen Wei to notice the careful way Zhao Yunlan circles seemingly unrelated topics around. Even Shen Wei’s non-answers are information, clues to where the secrets lie, his pauses and flickering glances as easy to read as any suspect’s guilt.
The familiar bustle of students passing his office fades out of notice, and Shen Wei lets his brush fall, his lecture notes forgotten. A flicker of unease curls through him. Has he already said too much?
Shen Wei reassures himself that the truth is too unlikely to deduce; the timeline is as safe as he can make it. But that still leaves much room for Zhao Yunlan to imagine terrible things -- that his memory has been tampered with, that Shen Wei has lied to him, and more that Shen Wei cannot even guess at.
He can’t even offer to dispel them. If he removes the plausible theories, Zhao Yunlan will only start to consider the implausible ones.
[*****]
“You know all my favorite foods,” Zhao Yunlan says, gazing appreciatively over the dishes Shen Wei lays out for them one night. “Even the ones I’ve never had before!”
“I’m pleased to guess correctly.” Shen Wei keeps his voice even by force of will. It’s often true; sometimes he is simply discerning Zhao Yunlan’s taste from other things he likes. But the vinegar stew he made tonight is one he shared with Kunlun on more than one occasion.
“So it is a Dixing power?” Zhao Yunlan grins at him and settles into his chair.
Shen Wei knows better than to relax. “Hardly.”
“Hm. One of the teachers at the University was telling me about this dish. At least I think it was this one?” Zhao Yunlan twirls his spoon over the bowl. “She said you brought it to all the staff holidays.”
Shen Wei sets his own spoon down sharply. “You interrogated my colleagues about my cooking?”
“She volunteered!” Zhao Yunlan waves a hand, an airy gesture signifying nothing. “I think she was trying to matchmake for you.”
Shen Wei can hardly blame Zhao Yunlan for playing games, he reminds himself. He’s the one who made the rules.
“Did it work?” he asks, hoping to move the conversation to safer ground.
“Did it work, you ask. Did it work!” Zhao Yunlan leans over to whisper in Shen Wei’s ear. “No. But only because you’d already won me.”
[*****]
In the dead of night, after Zhao Yunlan is sleeping, Shen Wei slips back into his own apartment. It’s a sterile place, compared to the one across the hall. A place a person might inhabit, but not a home.
If he were a better person, Shen Wei would leave. Staying close to Zhao Yunlan is only endangering him more; it is selfish to let that happen. And he knows that Zhao Yunlan will forgive him, once he knows the truth. He could come back, and be welcomed.
But Shen Wei's heart is too greedy. He can tell himself that he’s needed here to protect Zhao Yunlan from Ye Zun, from the Hallows, from the perils that a Guardian faces every day -- but that’s not why he stays.
[*****]
The next day, Shen Wei follows Zhao Yunlan into his office and closes the door. He is tired of Zhao Yunlan’s ambushes; maybe one of this own will finally end this.
“Zhao Yunlan. I promised to tell you my secrets when I can.” Years of practice let Shen Wei avoid clenching his hands, but he can’t help standing as if the robes were wrapped around him. He knows Zhao Yunlan will see it regardless. “Do you not believe me?”
“Of course I believe you. But when is that?” Zhao Yunlan doesn’t bother to pretend to be surprised, and Shen Wei lets out the breath he was holding. So they aren’t going to lie to each other.
Zhao Yunlan steps firmly into Shen Wei’s space, not quite near enough to hold, and it’s all Shen Wei can do not to close that distance. “When do I get to find out what you already know about me?”
“When I can.”
“You won’t even tell me why you won’t tell me!”
“I can’t. I wish I could.”
Zhao Yunlan throws up his hands and spins away, staring angrily out the window. “Because it would endanger me. I can guess that much.”
Shen Wei just wishes he could convince Zhao Yunlan to leave it alone. “It would endanger me as well.”
He knows as soon as he says it that it’s the right thing to say -- and also exactly wrong, because Zhao Yunlan rounds on him with fierce determination.
“Then you should take what precautions you can and tell me. I can’t avoid something when I don’t know what it is!”
“You could stop chasing after it,” Shen Wei points out bitterly.
“Knowing it could hurt you?” Zhao Yunlan lifts a gentle hand to Shen Wei’s cheek. “Do you really think I could let that go?”
Shen Wei has to close his eyes against that implacable devotion. “Zhao Yunlan, please.”
“I’m sorry.” Zhao Yunlan’s arms come around him, and Shen Wei lets himself be gathered in. He isn’t shaking; he won’t. But he knows Zhao Yunlan can feel what it’s costing him to maintain his composure, and that, Shen Wei knows, is only making the situation worse.
He’s strong enough to hold his silence. He is. But the strength of a mountain inevitably gives way to the river that wears it down. He can’t win.
Shen Wei can only hope he holds out long enough for time to tell this secret for him.
[*****]
Author's note: There was originally a line in here about how flattering it was that a hero like Kunlun would shower Shen Wei with attention. I cut it in editing, but it was there, I promise!
fandom: Guardian
characters: Shen Wei, Zhao Yunlan
words: ~1,200
contents: angst, secrets, more angst, SO MUCH ANGST, and a wee bit of paranoia. Let's say spoilers, too, just to cover the bases
Summary: Zhao Yunlan is a detective.
Shen Wei considers himself a strong-willed person. Determined. Steadfast. His mind and his heart are both difficult to sway. He is, for the most part, certain of the path he has chosen, and nothing will deter him.
But Zhao Yunlan... Zhao Yunlan is relentless.
Looking back, Shen Wei can see how thoroughly Kunlun interrogated him. Over the six months they knew each other, Shen Wei gladly told him everything. He had excused his unusual willingness at the time: in a war, there is no cause for reticence. He told Kunlun things about himself that he had never before -- and has never since -- told another living soul.
In the present, with secrets he cannot share... that unremitting curiosity is a torment.
“Remind me, when did we first meet?”
Zhao Yunlan asks it as an idle question one night as they lie in bed, the smell of sweat and sex still filling the room. His cheek is pressed to Shen Wei’s chest, his arm draped around Shen Wei’s ribcage. From that position, Zhao Yunlan couldn’t miss the stutter in Shen Wei’s breath.
“Three months ago, at the University.” It is a true statement, Shen Wei reminds himself, no matter how much it feels like a lie. “You can’t have forgotten so quickly.”
“You’d think so.” He can feel Zhao Yunlan’s smile pressed into his skin. “It seems like we’ve known each other longer.”
Zhao Yunlan never asks outright, not after that first conversation when Shen Wei refused to answer. It takes more than a month for Shen Wei to notice the careful way Zhao Yunlan circles seemingly unrelated topics around. Even Shen Wei’s non-answers are information, clues to where the secrets lie, his pauses and flickering glances as easy to read as any suspect’s guilt.
The familiar bustle of students passing his office fades out of notice, and Shen Wei lets his brush fall, his lecture notes forgotten. A flicker of unease curls through him. Has he already said too much?
Shen Wei reassures himself that the truth is too unlikely to deduce; the timeline is as safe as he can make it. But that still leaves much room for Zhao Yunlan to imagine terrible things -- that his memory has been tampered with, that Shen Wei has lied to him, and more that Shen Wei cannot even guess at.
He can’t even offer to dispel them. If he removes the plausible theories, Zhao Yunlan will only start to consider the implausible ones.
“You know all my favorite foods,” Zhao Yunlan says, gazing appreciatively over the dishes Shen Wei lays out for them one night. “Even the ones I’ve never had before!”
“I’m pleased to guess correctly.” Shen Wei keeps his voice even by force of will. It’s often true; sometimes he is simply discerning Zhao Yunlan’s taste from other things he likes. But the vinegar stew he made tonight is one he shared with Kunlun on more than one occasion.
“So it is a Dixing power?” Zhao Yunlan grins at him and settles into his chair.
Shen Wei knows better than to relax. “Hardly.”
“Hm. One of the teachers at the University was telling me about this dish. At least I think it was this one?” Zhao Yunlan twirls his spoon over the bowl. “She said you brought it to all the staff holidays.”
Shen Wei sets his own spoon down sharply. “You interrogated my colleagues about my cooking?”
“She volunteered!” Zhao Yunlan waves a hand, an airy gesture signifying nothing. “I think she was trying to matchmake for you.”
Shen Wei can hardly blame Zhao Yunlan for playing games, he reminds himself. He’s the one who made the rules.
“Did it work?” he asks, hoping to move the conversation to safer ground.
“Did it work, you ask. Did it work!” Zhao Yunlan leans over to whisper in Shen Wei’s ear. “No. But only because you’d already won me.”
In the dead of night, after Zhao Yunlan is sleeping, Shen Wei slips back into his own apartment. It’s a sterile place, compared to the one across the hall. A place a person might inhabit, but not a home.
If he were a better person, Shen Wei would leave. Staying close to Zhao Yunlan is only endangering him more; it is selfish to let that happen. And he knows that Zhao Yunlan will forgive him, once he knows the truth. He could come back, and be welcomed.
But Shen Wei's heart is too greedy. He can tell himself that he’s needed here to protect Zhao Yunlan from Ye Zun, from the Hallows, from the perils that a Guardian faces every day -- but that’s not why he stays.
The next day, Shen Wei follows Zhao Yunlan into his office and closes the door. He is tired of Zhao Yunlan’s ambushes; maybe one of this own will finally end this.
“Zhao Yunlan. I promised to tell you my secrets when I can.” Years of practice let Shen Wei avoid clenching his hands, but he can’t help standing as if the robes were wrapped around him. He knows Zhao Yunlan will see it regardless. “Do you not believe me?”
“Of course I believe you. But when is that?” Zhao Yunlan doesn’t bother to pretend to be surprised, and Shen Wei lets out the breath he was holding. So they aren’t going to lie to each other.
Zhao Yunlan steps firmly into Shen Wei’s space, not quite near enough to hold, and it’s all Shen Wei can do not to close that distance. “When do I get to find out what you already know about me?”
“When I can.”
“You won’t even tell me why you won’t tell me!”
“I can’t. I wish I could.”
Zhao Yunlan throws up his hands and spins away, staring angrily out the window. “Because it would endanger me. I can guess that much.”
Shen Wei just wishes he could convince Zhao Yunlan to leave it alone. “It would endanger me as well.”
He knows as soon as he says it that it’s the right thing to say -- and also exactly wrong, because Zhao Yunlan rounds on him with fierce determination.
“Then you should take what precautions you can and tell me. I can’t avoid something when I don’t know what it is!”
“You could stop chasing after it,” Shen Wei points out bitterly.
“Knowing it could hurt you?” Zhao Yunlan lifts a gentle hand to Shen Wei’s cheek. “Do you really think I could let that go?”
Shen Wei has to close his eyes against that implacable devotion. “Zhao Yunlan, please.”
“I’m sorry.” Zhao Yunlan’s arms come around him, and Shen Wei lets himself be gathered in. He isn’t shaking; he won’t. But he knows Zhao Yunlan can feel what it’s costing him to maintain his composure, and that, Shen Wei knows, is only making the situation worse.
He’s strong enough to hold his silence. He is. But the strength of a mountain inevitably gives way to the river that wears it down. He can’t win.
Shen Wei can only hope he holds out long enough for time to tell this secret for him.
Author's note: There was originally a line in here about how flattering it was that a hero like Kunlun would shower Shen Wei with attention. I cut it in editing, but it was there, I promise!
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Comments
Shen Wei can hardly blame Zhao Yunlan for playing games, he reminds himself. He’s the one who made the rules.
AND super love the outside perspective on Zhao Yunlan's intelligence and craftiness, the way Shen Wei realizes all of a sudden that he's been the subject of a MONTHS LONG investigation, that everything he says and does not say and does is information that Zhao Yunlan is processing, analyzing, deconstructing. And how it's his own fault that Zhao Yunlan is pushed to doing that, too. Oh my gosh, what a great fic!