Title: i don't want to keep on hoping (forget what i have in mind)
Fandom: tvd
Rating: mature
Length: ~3400 words
Author notes: canon au: kai was the one paging bonnie, suicide ideation, title from broods' mother & father

The pager beeps. Many times. It’s an irritating thing, and Bonnie doesn’t know why she bothered to bring it. (She does. They have a world population of two.)

A number flashes, and Bonnie pulls over at the next convenience store. She’s somewhere in Idaho now, has not been doing well with the road map. Perhaps because she doesn’t really want to return to Mystic Falls. She grabs a Snapple before going to the phone, settling behind the register. There’s a solid view of the sweets aisle, and she should grab some twizzlers on the way out.

With a final sigh, she dials. There’s already been two eclipses since the bastard abandoned her, a bitter comfort in him being stuck here.

“So Bon-bon, looks like I do need you for the spell.”

“I don’t care.”

His laughter echoes over the phone, tinny and she nearly hangs up. “Now let’s be reasonable, you’ve told me so many sagas about your friends-”

“You spied on Damon and me,” Bonnie corrects, sipping the iced tea.

“-I want to go to the real world, you want to go to the real world. I bet we can get your magic back.”

“No.”

Kai laughs, “What are you, a newbie witch? It may take a few months, but your magic will come back.”

Bonnie’s lips twist up into a cruel smile that she almost wishes he could see. “Not if I don’t want it back.”

She hangs up the phone and decides to start heading south. She’s always wanted to see the Grand Canyon, mine as well start hitting all of her bucket list items.

.

Bonnie takes her time in getting to the canyon. She stays in a mansion that must have cost crazy money, has its own bowling alley and a wine cellar that’s the size of a small chapel. There’s a dozen wines set to the side, presumably the best ones, and she takes them all upstairs. She’s never been a wine girl, but all she has is time.

The more she drinks, the easier it is to contemplate. The time that is. If she can die at all, if she can age, how long she’ll have to actively choose to remain here. Even if her magic doesn’t come back, there’s doubtlessly other items full of magic in this world. Any coven’s home might have old relics, bloodlines of witches storing up power or-

Qetsiyah.

A stubborn thread of hope comes back- that she could take the power, trap him somewhere, and go home. But all it would take is one touch and…

Bonnie swallows, imagining Kai with all that magic. He could probably puppeteer her, indirectly cast the spell through her fingers. She can’t allow that, can’t allow him back into the world- especially not juiced up on the most powerful witch’s remains.

She cracks open another bottle of red, and fills up a bath. If this prison world’s been good for anything, it’s getting in her self-care. Back home she couldn’t even fill up a tub without Elena being in danger, or Caroline having an emergency, or-

Bonnie wipes at her face, stepping into the scalding water. She can’t think like that. She’s doing this for them, they’re safer this way- the world is safer this way.

(But fuck, does she miss them.)

.

Bonnie doesn’t know how many days or weeks it’s been since the phone call with Kai. She can’t keep track, keeping track means she’s still trying to return to a world with a full calendar.

It’s May 10th. It’ll always be May 10th.

.

The Grand Canyon is gorgeous. It’s huge and humbling, and maybe it should have a bigger effect on her. It felt like she had to come here, but now that she’s here, all she can think of is taking one too many steps. Of how long she would fall before sweet oblivion.

Bonnie sits instead, a few feet from the edge.

Grams sent her here. She said to stay strong, and Bonnie isn’t going to give up so easily. They have an entire world, she doesn’t have to deal with him.

As if on cue, there’s footsteps, and Bonnie groans.

“How the hell did you know I was here?” she asks, turning.

Kai is looking far too happy, gesturing to a tent she’d missed. “I’ve been here for a few days Bon-amie. Great place for the Christmas season. What made you come to me?”

She scoffs, “I didn’t.”

His grin widens even more, “You just happened to pick a spot near me.”

Bonnie rolls her eyes, standing up. “Whatever, I’ll leave. Don’t follow me.”

“C’mon don’t be like that.”

Bonnie doesn’t answer, getting in her latest borrowed Cadi.

“You’ll be lonely without me!” Kai yells, and Bonnie peels out of there.

.

Kai’s words follow her like a curse. She was lonely before, but now she can’t help but think of the only other planetary resident when the loneliness hits. She visits national parks and museums, even makes a trip to NYC to pick out a wardrobe that costs more than her tuition. Bonnie reads books on the beach and purposefully doesn’t find any grimoires. There’s no point in taunting herself with knowledge that she can’t even use. She goes to amusement parks and fancy restaurants, figures out how to work a movie theater. (The latest hits she isn’t into, but she finds a smaller discount theater playing Ace Ventura, and gods, Caroline loved those films.)

Everywhere she goes, she’s alone, and Mystic Falls taunts her on the map. She knows he’s staying there, the creep. Probably took over her guest room in the Salvatore house.

.

Bonnie’s just had lunch- conveniently a Japanese restaurant had a to-go sushi order waiting in their fridge on the tenth- when she stumbles into the wrong store. It’s a small sex toy shop, and giddiness floods her. She can’t remember the last time she had an orgasm- and how depressing is that- and for once she knows she’s truly alone.

Wandering the aisles, she grabs a sparkly blue dildo and a Hitachi wand. There’s an outlet, taunting her out of the corner of her eye. Her mind is already shrieking at the barely formed idea: what if Kai isn’t really in Mystic Falls, what if someone else was in this prison world, what if-

Bonnie grabs a sex blanket, ripping the plastic bag off. (What the fuck is the difference between a sex blanket and a regular blanket? Apparently $19.99.) Setting it on the floor, she plugs in the wand and unboxes the dildo. Sitting down, she probably should have grabbed a pillow or something, coldness seeping through the throw.

She turns it on, and holy fuck is the Hitachi loud. Flipping her dress up, she brings it against her pussy, the vibrations insanely strong through the cotton. Hell, she can feel the vibrations in her teeth. It’s mind-numbingly good, and numbing her thighs too. Almost too overwhelming, her hand keeps moving the Hitachi from where she really wants it. If only she could tie it to her or get-

Fuck.

Bonnie swallows, thinking very clearly of Jeremy. She wishes Jer was here. No one else. She closes her eyes, imagining herself back in the real world. In her own room doing this, a knock on the door. The bastard’s face pops up, the too eager smile, ‘need a hand Bonikins?’, long wiggling fingers, and she hates herself for orgasming in that moment.

She throws the Hitachi to the other end of the store, getting up. Stupid over-powered vibrator. Bonnie runs out of the shop, and to her car. Fuck Pennsylvania.

.

Bonnie’s having an ice cream when she notices the pager went off. With a sinking stomach, she checks the time and yup- Kai paged her an hour ago, around the time she was getting off. Chills dart down her spine, and even though she knows he wasn’t there- she recognizes the Salvatore home phone number this time- it feels like more than coincidence. (And whatever the hell it is, she doesn’t like it one bit.)

Rather than call back, Bonnie starts driving south. A life, or eternity, alone somehow sounds worse than seeing Kai’s face again. She hasn’t even been in this world for a year and she’s already cracked. Turning the radio on, she accelerates, zipping down the highway.

‘-up we have a throwback to three years ago on TLC’s debut album, Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg.’

Bonnie hits the power button just as Left Eye starts up.

Fuck music.

.

Kai is sitting on the porch with a bottle of gin, a welcome home banner and balloons behind him.

“You’re an asshole,” Bonnie greets him, sitting down and snagging the bottle.

“You don’t call, you don’t write,” Kai says.

Bonnie gulps down some gin, isn’t doing this sober. “How would I even send a letter to you?”

Kai grins, “I’m so glad you asked Bonster. Tragically our world lacks mailmen and carrier pigeons-”

“Christ,” she mutters, taking another swig.

“-but you do have an ancient invention that allows you to pass messages from one place to another instantly,” he says, snapping his fingers.

“And you didn’t do this instead of using the pager because…?”

“Ey! The pager’s cool. My prized possession. You should be grateful I left it with you.”

“Oh yeah. Stranded and bleeding in the middle of nowhere with a pager, why didn’t I thank you sooner?”

He flashes his pearly whites, “Dunno, but I can think of a few ways for you to start-”

“The letter delivery Kai.”

Kai smiles easily, shrugs off the interruption. “Magic of course.”

Bonnie glares, “You’re a dick.”

“C’mon,” he wheedles. “I bet there’s tons of super secret gemini magic I could teach you. Maybe something dark and fun?”

Bonnie rolls her eyes, and fuck how is the bottle already a third gone? She’s contemplating getting up for water when Kai speaks again.

“All you have to do is try and recenter, and I’ll teach you spells you’ve never even heard of.”

Bonnie’s unamused, recalling a similar if far softer pitch Shane once gave her. “I already know Expressionism. And who the fuck would I sacrifice- you over and over again?”

Kai’s pupils expand, and Bonnie vividly remembers how the magic felt, flowing through her and into the pickax into his chest. “You’re kidding,” he says, voice flat.

Bonnie leans back against the porch, far too relaxed for this conversation and company. “I thought you were spying on Damon and me twenty-four seven.”

Kai takes the gin back, “Huh. Interesting.”

Bonnie isn’t going to ask, she knows that’s what the jerk wants. But her face must show too much curiosity, because Kai’s smiling all triumphant at her.

“I thought between the two of us Bonster, I was the bad one. But if you completed the expression triangles, you’ve killed way more people than me. And witches too.”

She shivers, “Shut up.”

He whistles low, “I mean you must really deserve to be here. Do you miss killing people? I should have known with the flying ax-”

Bonnie jumps up, fists trembling at her sides. “I said shut up!”

Kai tosses the bottle, glass shattering, and he steps into her space. “Do you want to hurt me Bonnie?” He leans in, breath hot on her ear as he whispers, “Do it with magic, I’ll let you kill me again.”

Her hand raises without permission to slap him, and Kai grabs her wrist.

“Ah-ah-ah, magic only Bon.”

She rips her wrist out of his grasp, “You’re sick.”

His hand tilts forward the slightest bit, fingers running down her face. “Then what does that make you?”

.

It’s been however many days or weeks or months, and Bonnie still doesn’t have an answer. She’d left after the question, driving anywhere away from Mystic Falls.

Kai didn’t follow, and she hates him for that. Hates herself for reacting, for knowing he hasn’t left.

If she happens to be staying on the east coast, it’s only because she likes the water. Not because she doesn’t want to be too far away from-

She’s never had to think about it before. All the terrible things she’s done or facilitated or excused. There’s always been a brand new crisis in Mystic Falls to distract away, never any time to process.

And now that she has it, she sure as fuck doesn’t want to think about it. Not the twelve witches who thought they were saving her meeting their end. Not that she remembers the burning desire to take them all down, that in that moment revival didn’t matter. Not the twelve hybrids murdered, nor the twelve humans tricked- all so she could release a monster into the world. And how many times has she been so close to extinguishing evil, only to steady her hand? Was it compassion or weakness, intelligence or idiocy? Years ago she had Damon burning, prepared for death- how many people would be alive now if he were ended then? (And her mind can’t reconcile that with the Damon of 1994, blueberry pancakes every morning for the one murder that haunted him.)

Does it even matter if people have the capacity to change if they still have the capacity to revert back?

Bonnie starts driving back north.

She doesn’t want to think about the past anymore.

(Not when there’s no hope of influencing the future.)

.

The welcome home banner is still up, crooked now, and all the balloons popped. The porch is empty, shattered glass still on the ground beside it. Bonnie grabs her fancy wardrobe suitcase- she spent days trying clothes on Fifth Avenue is not forgetting it- and walks inside.

Kai is sitting on the couch, sucking jam off his fingers.

Her nose crinkles, “There are spoons you know.”

Kai pulls one out of his mouth, making a popping sound. “I do.”

“Right.” She starts up the stairs.

“Are you staying for real this time? Because I don’t wanna get my hopes up Bonnie boo.”

She bites the inside of her cheek, reminding herself the alternative is depressingly isolated. Meeting his eyes, Bonnie says, “Yes.”

Kai slurps jam off two of his fingers, a wide messy grin. “Cool. Baywatch is on in ten.”

Shaking her head, she heads up to her room to unpack the new clothes.

(It was gross, she thinks definitively. Gross. Not anything else.)

.

It’s creepily easy to get along with Kai. As long as he isn’t going off about how they’re two birds of a murderous feather, or worse, the magic situation- things are… cordial. He’s easier to get along with than Damon, and that feels like an odd sort of betrayal. (Worse that she can’t help but think Damon’s done far worse things and been forgiven. But Kai doesn’t want forgiveness, doesn’t care about anyone but himself. She just can’t forget that.)

It’d be easier if he wasn’t attractive. She can admit she’s attracted to him. But she was also attracted to Professor Here-to-use-your-magic-also-did-I-forget-to-mention-I-had-a-wife-recently so. It shouldn’t count for much. Just sometimes Kai goes on one of his stupid tangents, and Bonnie wants to shut him up by sitting on his face.

So. There’s that.

There’s an unholy amount of joy on Kai’s face, and Bonnie realizes she’s been silently staring at him for too long. How did she not notice he stopped jabbering?

“What would happen if I cut your finger off? Would it grow back?” Bonnie wants to cringe at the first question that came to mind, but it’s too late to take it back.

Kai bats his eyelashes, “That’s more of a third date question, and you haven’t even brought me flowers.”

There’s a knife in her hand suddenly, she always keeps one on her but doesn’t recall pulling it out. “Flowers are overrated.”

Kai sits beside her, eyes alight. “You summoned that.”

Bonnie drops the knife, and it clatters across the floor. “Did not.”

But Kai’s eyes are still dancing, his palm open to her. “Wanna prove it?”

“I didn’t,” she snaps, slapping her hand onto his. His fingers curl around hers, heat dancing up and down her arm. There’s no pain, no magic tugging through her fingertips, and Bonnie’s so relieved, she forgets to be wary of Kai in her space. (Or maybe she doesn’t forget at all.)

“Guess not,” he says, doesn’t let go of her hand.

She should take it back. She should probably move to the opposite side of the country and deal with the loneliness. She’s died before to do the right thing, this should be nothing.

Bonnie kisses him.

There’s a moment of stillness, surprise from both of them, and then Kai’s hands are grabbing everywhere, her own tugging off his shirt. His hands focus on her breasts like a virgin, and Bonnie is tempted to tease him. But fuck knows what he might say in return, and for once, she’s rather enjoying herself. Kai’s warm between her thighs, feels like everything she’s tried to keep herself from becoming. That he likes-

Bonnie sucks a bruise onto his neck, her mind quieting. Kai groans, hands struggling with her romper, finally ripping it away. He shoves her bra up, and Bonnie undoes the back, is not dealing with the underwire. (In fact, she’s tempted to quit wearing bras altogether. There’s no point in this world, and halfway through the day they’re always a pain.)

Kai traps her left nipple in his fingers, leaning in to press a kiss to her scar.

Bonnie’s never wanted to use magic so much, to summon a cleaver to rend through his chest in that moment. He meets her eyes, and fuck he knows, he knows her far too well. She pushes his head down, and he obliges, kissing and sucking his way down to her pussy. He licks her through the cotton, soaking on both sides, and Bonnie’s nails scratch against his head. It feels even better than she imagined, and gods has she imagined this every which way.

“Fuck, more.”

Kai bites, the intense pressure painful-perfect, and he rips away the panties, sliding a finger into her. And hell, she blearily thinks, hips churning, there’s zero reason for him to be good at this. It makes no sense and-

He sucks on her clit hard, the first orgasm tearing out of her with a moan. The bottom of his face is shiny with her juices, her pussy clenching around the finger still inside her.

Kai’s eyes seem to glow, and he licks his lips, somehow more obscene than anything else. “More?”

It’s a trap. It has to be. A sociopath shouldn’t have sex like this. It should be centered on him and-. It doesn’t matter. She isn’t ever letting them leave, it doesn’t matter what his game is, especially not if she enjoys it.

“More,” Bonnie agrees, pulling him back down.

Kai chuckles into her lap, tongue lapping at her clit once more.

.

It’s September 13th when she does it. While Bonnie tries not to keep track of dates, Kai does. Some days, bigger days, she tends to remember them. She told him that she was taking some time away to burn something from her past, that it needed to be done alone. Kai didn’t press too hard, and she can feel that he remains back at home.

Bonnie slams the hammer against Silas’ Headstone. A bit chips off, landing closer to the water, and she hits it again. All of her anger, her frustration from being stuck here, and she hammers down on it, over and over and over.

The eclipse passes around halfway through, and Bonnie goes faster now. It’s easier now. She knew she needed to do this. It’s the only way to feel safe. With this kind of power Kai could have spelled her into bringing them back to the real world. He could have done anything. Kai could have met her friends, could have hurt them. (And if a little bit of her relaxes because she’s no longer the same witch that came into this prison world, because she found peace in a way none of them would approve of, that the real world is safer without her too- those thoughts can be smashed to dust with the rest.)

Bonnie pushes all the debris into the water, an odd feeling at the back of her throat.

“Here lies Bonnie Bennett. Witch, friend, cheater of death,” she starts, wiping her face dry. And she can’t finish the eulogy. It feels too much like summarizing another person’s life. She’s already changed, there’s no going back.

Bonnie walks away, will be home and satisfied soon enough.