Title: Once I was Shino
Fandom: Naruto
Characters: Aburame Shino, Aburame Torune, Aburame Shibi
Challenge: Key
Rating: T
Lenght: ca 3100
Content notes: mentions of child abuse and mental abuse and physical abuse, identity crisis
Author notes: h/c bingo square "Homesick", liberties were taken with personalities
Summary: When Shino was a child, Danzo forcefully recruited him into Root, the secretive underground organization who require their members to lose their emotions. Then one day, Danzo died. (In Canon, Shino's brother Torune took his place. Imagine if he hadn't.)




Danzo had died. Every Root operative felt the cursed seal on their tongues disappear.

A purple-haired operative turned to him at their campfire.

"What do we do now?" she asked. He didn't answer. She called him a name.

"My real name is Shino," he said and pulled off his mask. He turned it over and watched it with narrowed eyes. This had been his face. The other operative took off hers. Shino didn't know her. They weren't supposed to know each other in Root. They'd been partners for years, and Shino considered her a stranger.

Five other operatives emerged from their positions to gather around the fire.

"Did Danzo-sama have a successor?" one of them asked. "Will we be sealed again?"

Shino's chest tightened. The seal that would render them paralyzed if they spoke out of line or revealed information about Danzo or Root. It was what kept them leashed.

He tossed his mask into the fire and stood up.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"I'm going home." Shino was one of the few who knew where his home was. He was one of the even fewer to remember his real name.

"What about us?" they asked. "What are we supposed to do?"

Shino had no affiliation to them now. He had only one mission in life now: Return home. He pulled out a small case from his jacket pocket. Inside were a pair of dark shades. He remembered he used to wear shades all the time. His clan wore shades all the time. He put them on and turned to Konoha.

Inside him was an unstoppable urge to run. It had always been there. But because of the seal on his tongue he couldn't take one step in the wrong direction. He'd seen others have their seals activated for less.

But now Danzo was dead, and the seal was gone.

He broke into a sprint. He was going home.

,.,.,

Konoha was being rebuilt after the Six Paths of Pain had destroyed it. It was inspiring how hard everyone worked to restore the village.

No one stopped him as he walked through the new, unfamiliar streets. Construction was everywhere. His Root uniform-a black thigh-long coat and red straps down his chest-was covered by his dark travel cloak, and his hood pulled up.

He asked for directions to the Aburame compound, and learned they had moved it closer to the edge of the village, but it was still being built. But if he was looking for an Aburame, he should go look in their forest. Many of their buildings had survived the attack, and that's where the clan resided until the new compound was finished.

The Aburame's forest. He'd been playing there on his own when his father and a visitor found him. And then the visitor took him away for years of mental torture, isolation and darkness, of emotional numbing to hone him into an obedient pawn.

Was his father still alive after all this time? What if he'd died in the attack? It was the first time Shino had imagined his father was dead. He walked tense the whole way there. With every step he took he felt weary, but also more free than ever. Shino was near the edge of the Aburame's forest now.

"Stop," a voice said. A woman with shades and long, brown hair stepped out onto the well-walked forest path. "Are you aware you're headed into clan restricted land?"

"Yes."

"Do you have business, stranger? I don't see a forehead protector. Which village are you from?" She held out an arm and sent out insects to investigate him.

"Konohagakure," Shino said and pushed the hood back to show his headband. It was scratched and matted, but bore the Konoha symbol. The woman didn't recognize him, but he didn't expect her to. She recalled her insects who had stolen some of his chakra. She frowned after they returned.

"You're a bug-user. State which clan," she demanded.

"My name is Aburame Shino."

She reacted to that.

"Shino as in Shibi-sama's boy?"

He nodded, and could tell she didn't believe him. She bade him wait there until the next guard shift, and she'd send someone to verify.

Shino sat down under the trees and rested against the trunk. The sound of rustling leaves had always soothed him, and he closed his eyes, just for a moment.

,.,.,

He would be dead within a week in Root if he didn't learn to sleep light. Footsteps approached, his eyes opened and he shot up on his feet, reaching for his tanto by reflex. He grasped at empty air. He'd left the tanto back at camp, he hadn't packed any supplies.

It was the new guard. Shino stood still against the tree, arms crossed, and watched them exchange information.

Soon. He'd meet his relatives again, eat food he liked again, sleep in his own bed. He was almost home.

When he was a kid in the midst of training at Root he used to cry himself to sleep, screaming into the pillow that he wanted to go home. And then he was isolated to discourage the behavior. It had worked, but he hadn't stopped screaming inside.

Ten minutes later a trio appeared on the path towards them. The two on the edge wore brown and beige jackets, the man in the middle wore dark-green. They all wore goggles or shades, and carried a container on their backs of varying sizes. The one in the middle though wore a face mask and gloves. His hair was short and black, and he wore a Konoha forehead protector. His container was the largest.

The trio walked up to the guard.

"Where is he?" the man in green asked the new guard, who pointed at him, and they all reacted like they hadn't noticed him. Shino peered at him from under his hood. "Has he said anything?"

"Not to me, Torune-sama."

Shino gasped. He hadn't recognized Torune, his own brother. But how could he have, with his face all covered up like that?

Would Torune recognize him? Would his father, if he was alive? What if no one could confirm his identity? He swallowed hard.

"What's your name?" Torune called.

"My name is Aburame Shino," he stated, "Shimura Danzo is dead. Root is dissolved, and I have returned home."

"That voice--"

Torune approached fast, leaving the two others behind. He pushed the hood back from his face and watched his face for a long moment. Shino started doubting Torune would recognize him, when he was caught in a crushing embrace.

"Otoutou," Torune cried out into his shoulder. Little brother.

"Nii-san," Shino stumbled, grabbing onto the tree behind him to stay upright.

"Are you certain, Torune-sama?" said one of Torune's followers.

"I insist we do a blood test," said the other one. Shino saw now they were twins, but with different hair-length.

Torune stopped hugging him and took a step back and pulled down his mask to reveal his grinning face.

"You don't think I'd remember my brother's face? Sure, run your test. I'm certain it's Shino."

One of the twins was a medic-nin apparently, as they had medical supplies with them. Among them a syringe and empty vial. The sample was drawn and Torune sent her away to run the test, and asked her to hurry up.

"Come," Torune indicated to go off the path. The guard protested, but Torune assured her they weren't going far. Shino followed Torune to a fallen log at the edge of a calm river, where they sat. He had a sense of deja vu. Had they done this before?

"We used to throw sticks in the river and race them here," Torune said as if reading his mind. Torune watched him. He seemed giddy, then worried.

"Aren't you happy?"

"I am happy."

"You don't look like it."

"I was trained to not show emotion."

"You don't have to adhere to your Root training here," Torune waved a hand in the air as if he was waving away all the times he'd been punished for emoting, like he could just discard such intense conditioning. "Why didn't they want you to show emotion?"

"In order to be an effective soldier. Feel no emotions, have no conscience, have no qualms about any orders given."

Torune slowly stopped smiling as he spoke.

"What kind of orders would require that sort of training?"

"We don't keep records, if that tells you anything," Shino said. He was hollow, and he should feel something about that fact. He didn't feel much about anything though. He'd never been expressive as a child, and he was gifted at repressing his emotions. So good that he had smothered and all but killed the ability to feel emotions. He could pretend to feel joy, feign the body-language, but that would be lying.

The point of being home was that he could stop lying. So he didn't put on a fake smile.

"You were just a child," Torune said.

"So were everyone else."

They talked about Konoha, the clan, Torune's teammates, the plans for the new compound, then they sat in companionable silence. Then they spotted the long-haired twin running towards them over the water. She looked winded when she stopped in front of them and tossed a scroll to Torune.

"It's positive, Torune-sama!" she panted, then bowed at them. "Welcome home, Shino-sama! We've been waiting for you!" She smiled big when she stood up.

They returned to the guard post and Torune led him past the guard with his arm over his shoulders. The twins followed on either side.

"This calls for a celebration. Can we prepare something for tonight? Let's use the great hall and invite everyone!" Torune said to the short haired twin.

"It'll be on short notice, but when they hear the reason I'm sure they'll put in the effort needed."

"I'd rather sleep tonight, actually. And eat something," Shino interrupted before they got ahead of themselves. "I haven't eaten in three days."

"Why didn't you say something sooner?" Torune sighed exasperated and dug through his supply pouch, and gave him an energy bar.

"I was trained to not feel hunger," Shino replied honestly. It was one of the harder lessons he had learned from Root. "My stamina and cognitive ability is impacted at this point." Shino took a small bite of the bar. It was tasty. It had berries.

"Is there really a cause for celebration? Aren't supplies short in the village?" Shino asked Torune.

"Of course there's cause! We'll plan for tomorrow, give the cooks time to prepare. Maybe send a request to the Akimichi for some of their rare spices." Torune and the twins kept planning the feast, leading Shino forward and deaf to his indifference.

It was like the Aburame had a private clan village in the forest. Twenty-something buildings scattered over a fair distance. Much of the forest was preserved and untouched to encourage the local insect species to thrive, but there was a lot more civilization here now than Shino remembered. Antennae on the roofs, a telephone pole and wires, and he heard the crackle of a badly tuned radio.

It was lively enough. A few children, passers by and elders sitting under a tree gossiping. But most clan members were away rebuilding the village, Shino assumed.

They garnered a few curious looks but that was all. Torune didn't announce who Shino was.

"I want it to be a surprise," Torune said to the three of them. Shino didn't understand the point of secrecy, but Torune seemed excited.

The twins bid them good bye and promised to prepare the feast while keeping the secret, and Torune patted Shino's back once they had turned around.

"We're here."

"I recognize this building," Shino said, following Torune's gaze.

"We used to sleep here a lot when we were kids," Torune said with a nod.

It was the building for the clan head and their family, with rooms for guests and a wing for attendants, should they be required.

Shino entered the house while holding his breath. It was the same flooring, the same walls and ceiling. The art on the walls was the same, and the sound of leaves outside a pleasant background noise even indoors.

It was the same as the day he'd gone out to play by himself.

He expected relief to wash over him any moment now. The intense longing for home, the painful ache in his entire being he'd felt for years, it would finally be eased.

Only it didn't go away. The ache in him doubled. He stumbled and reached for the wall. He closed his eyes and breathed through his nose. A hand came on his shoulder.

"Shino? What's wrong? Exhaustion?"

That's right, Shino told himself. He was too exhausted to perceive his feelings. He'd needed to rest to be able to focus and sense his buried emotions. He nodded.

Torune led him to a guest room where he slept without dreaming.

,.,.,

Hours later he'd rested and cleaned up. Torune had given him some of his own clothes to wear. Airy and soft, a muted brown colour. Shino appreciated wearing something that made him look like an Aburame. He sat and held his cup of tea in the living room, trying to focus in the moment, trying to feel at peace.

Something was still missing. Maybe the fault was with himself? He'd buried a part of himself in Root. A key part. He'd buried 'Shino', and now he couldn't recognize his home. He no longer was Shino, even if he thought it was his real name. Shino had died as a child in Root training, and now... Who was he? He'd never be able to resurrect the lost part of him.

The realization made it difficult to breathe again. His heart pounded in his ears, his hive buzzed inside of him, making his flesh hum. The urge to run was still present. It would always be there. He'd know no peace until he found home, but he didn't have a place like that.

"What's wrong? You look scared," Torune said from the other side of the table.

Shino shook his head. Was there a point to keeping his secrets?

"In Root, I wanted to run back home every day," he spoke slow and hushed, body still heavy and slow from his non-stop journey. He looked around the room. "Now I'm in my clan's building with my brother. Isn't this supposed to be home?" he exhaled.

Torune had a sympathetic expression and he began to reply when they heard the front door open and close, and footsteps approach.

"Torune?" a deep voice called. Torune started grinning.

"In here, father. How fares the village?"

"I'm told you've neglected your duties today. Care to tell me--" A man appeared in the doorway. An older man, with rough, tanned skin and dark brown hair like himself. His shades had a hanging ornament that tapped his cheek. Aburame Shibi had silenced abruptly. Torune made an exaggerated Ta-Dah gesture at Shino.

"... Who are you?" Shibi said lowly.

"Who do you think it is, father?"

"Not now, Torune. Answer me," Shibi said, voice harder, more urgent. Did he recognize him?

Shino stood up in his new clothes, held up his palm and a tiny cloud of his kikaichu carrying his chakra swarmed around his hand. He motioned towards his father, and the cloud flew towards him. He waited until Shibi had time to recognize his chakra signature. When Shibi grabbed the doorframe, he knew.

"I've returned, father," Shino said. "Danzo is dead. Root is gone."

Shibi faltered. Torune appeared at his side and steadied him. He clutched Torune's gloved hand.

"I found him detained at the western guard post," Torune said happily.

"My son is back. Shino, my son," Shibi said with a hand covering his eyes and face from view.

Shino didn't remember ever seeing his father shed tears. He took a step forward and was enveloped in a warm, strong hug. The familiar scent of his father made a memory surface. A feeling. Of being carried in his arms, safe and warm.

"I petitioned the Hokage until they stopped listening to me," his father spoke with a ragged voice, "I couldn't get you back. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I let that demon walk away with you," Shibi said with a voice of self-hatred.

"You had no choice, he had the 3rd Hokage's blanket support," Torune said softly, coaxing them apart. "Sit down. I made tea."

Shibi wiped at his eyes under his shades, then looked at Torune with a frown.

"You shuld have let me know beforehand. I could have gotten a heart attack."

"I can't stand wasting a good surprise, you know that."

"I don't like surprises."

"I know."

Shino and Torune recounted what had happened to their father, who seethed with silent rage when Shino detailed the kind of training methods Root used, and what results they wanted.

Torune refilled Shino's cup.

"Now that you're back, you're the heir, right?" Torune said. "I won't fight with you over the title, brother. Just such a shame on all those tutoring lessons, huh, old man?"

"I don't want it," Shino said firmly. Torune sat back and looked puzzled.

"Why?"

"I've realized I'm not 'Aburame Shino'. I used to be. A week ago that wasn't my name. The 'Shino' you remember is gone. I'm neither a son, a brother, an heir, nor anyone. I'm no one."

There was a deafening silence after his words. Shibi and Torune merely watched him, weighing his words, turning them over and making sense of him. Shino took another sip of tea, then continued.

"I didn't come here to become the heir, or be the cause for a celebration. I came here because it's home. But..." he hesitated.

"But?" Shibi prodded.

"This doesn't feel like home. This was 'Shino's' home. Not mine."

Shibi was silent and drank slowly. When he set down his cup he looked up at him.

"You are my son. You have an abused spirit, and it is hiding in a cocoon of ignorance. You must give yourself time to heal, and I know you will be able to rediscover who you are."

"You'll see tomorrow," Torune said with a reassuring smile, "Our clan is our family, and we'll all do what we can to help you. I promise."

It sounded good, Shino conceded. But he didn't believe them that it was possible for him to overcome his past. But they seemed convinced.

"Let's hope you're right," he said, still feeling too numb and anxious to breathe easily.