Title: Another Kettle Ruined
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Pairing: Frodo/Sam
Rating: PG
Length: 350 words
Content notes: Poking fun at a few of the clichés in the Frodo/Sam fandom (some of which I myself have been guilty of in the past)
Summary: Frodo tries to help out in the kitchen. Uh-oh!



'Ow!'

'Sorry, sir. But these here burns need tending, Mr. Frodo. Whatever possessed you to try boiling a kettle of water? 'Tis a miracle you didn't set fire to the whole smial.'

Frodo's full lower lip quivered ominously and tears welled up in his enormous blue eyes. 'I was only trying to help, Sam. Sometimes I feel so useless.'

Sam carefully rubbed more butter into the blisters on Frodo's soft pink palm. 'Don't you go a-thinking that for a moment, Mr. Frodo. O'course you ain't useless. Why, all them Elvish books of Mr. Bilbo won't go translating themselves, now will they? That's what a gentlehobbit like yourself is meant for, sir, not boiling the tea-water.' He lifted one ink-stained scholar's finger to his lips and kissed it. 'You just leave the cooking and cleaning to your Sam and don't trouble your pretty head about it no more.'

'Oh Sam,' sighed Frodo, the tears and the quivering subsiding. 'Whatever would I do without you?'

'I dursn't guess, sir, and that's a fact.' He bound a strip of cloth around Frodo's burned hand and then helped him tenderly to his feet. 'Now, you run along to the study, Mr. Frodo, and I'll bring you your tea in a jiffy.'

'Thank you, Sam dear. And later, can I watch you from the window while you're gardening?'

'O'course you can, sir,' replied Sam. 'I'll even take off me shirt if you like.'

'Oh yes, that will be delightful, Sam,' said Frodo happily. 'I love how your sturdy, sun-bronzed torso looks all shiny with sweat.'

'Then the sooner you have your tea, the sooner you can see it. Off you go now, sir.' Sam gave Frodo a little pat on his pert rear, and the older hobbit hurried away.

After Frodo was gone, Sam set about making the tea, glad that he'd thought to purchase a new spare kettle last time the tinker came round. He never knew when Frodo would get it into his head to try and 'help out' in the kitchen, but the end result was always the same: another kettle ruined.