Title: Indignity
Fandom: Torchwood
Author: badly_knitted 
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Tosh, Owen, Gwen.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4630
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: Thanks to a mysterious piece of alien tech, Ianto isn’t quite himself and he’s not at all amused by the way some of his colleagues are treating him.
Content Notes: None needed.
Written For: Challenge 237: Amnesty, using Challenge 61: Transformation. Also fits 48: Technology and 187: Shoulder
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.



Until the day the Cybermen and Daleks had come to Torchwood Tower, there’d been nothing particularly dangerous about Ianto’s job. He’d been primarily on the clerical side, a junior researcher, spending most of his time on his computer or wading through paper files. It had seemed to him pretty much like working in any of the hundreds of other office-based occupations rather than working for a secret organisation. Beyond headaches from staring at a computer screen for too long, and the chance of getting a nasty paper cut, there’d been little for him to worry about until that awful day.

Torchwood Three was an entirely different kettle of fish, with danger around every corner, if not from aliens attempting to invade earth then from roving Weevils, unidentified alien artefacts, and the teetering piles of boxes in the caverns beneath the Hub optimistically designated the ‘archives’. As with all things though, in time he got used to dealing with such occupational hazards. After almost becoming frozen dinners for a bunch of insane human cannibals, everything else seemed tame by comparison.

So far he’d been shot, stabbed, chewed by a Weevil or two, suffered several broken bones, concussion, strains and sprains, cuts and grazes, and a couple of unpleasant alien ailments. He’d also had his appearance changed in a number of peculiar ways, but this latest incident was an indignity too far!

He sat on Tosh’s desk, glaring up at the team clustered around him and bristling at the expressions on their faces. Under the circumstances he doubted his glare was a particularly intimidating one, it was difficult to appear threatening in any way when you were small and furry, but he gave it the best shot he could given his current size disadvantage.

Disappointingly, the rest of the team didn’t seem to notice, they just continued to variously coo and snigger at his predicament.

“Awwww! You’re so adorable, Ianto!” Gwen gushed, going all gooey the way she did when confronted by a puppy or a kitten.

Ianto found her comments insulting, but he gritted his teeth and resisted the temptation to growl at her, almost certain that any such attempt would come out as more of a squeak and be guaranteed to result in more comments about how cute he was.

“Now who’s the shorty then?” Owen crowed exultantly, grinning all over his face, and Ianto suddenly bitterly regretted having taunted the medic earlier that day about his less than impressive height. He should have known that particular insult would come back to bite him sooner or later. “Looks like we’ve got ourselves a new pet! Wonder if we can teach him to do tricks…”

Speaking of biting, if Owen poked his finger any closer, Ianto thought he just might test out his new rodent teeth on it. That would wipe the smirk off the idiot’s face!

At least Tosh was keeping quiet although when Ianto chanced a glance at his friend he caught her trying to hide a sappy smile. The only one who seemed to be taking any of this seriously was Jack, who so far hadn’t laughed at him or made a single joke at his expense. Ianto decided immediately that as soon as he was himself again, Jack would be getting the best coffee, and other special rewards too.

It had all started a couple of hours ago when Ianto and Jack had been out on a Rift retrieval at Cardiff zoo. They’d found the new arrival easily enough behind one of the small animal habitats, but despite the fact that Ianto had been wearing latex gloves when he’d reached to pick it up, as he’d placed the odd device in the containment unit Jack was holding out to him, there’d been a flash of silvery light and then… he’d found himself unexpectedly transformed. That could have been the end of Ianto Jones right then and there; he’d all but suffocated before Jack managed to get him out of the glove; he’d shrunk as he’d changed, ending up with his whole tiny body jammed into one finger. It anyone had seen Jack trying to give the kiss of life to a chipmunk… Thankfully, nobody had and Jack had been able to tuck a somewhat shaken Ianto into his coat pocket, thereby avoiding any awkward questions from members of staff on his way back to the SUV. It would have been a serious problem if Ianto had been confiscated and put in the enclosure with the zoo’s own chipmunks. He didn’t want to think what might have happened to him then.

Still, they’d made it back to the Hub safely, and Jack had explained to the rest of the team what had happened. Tosh now had the device on her desk, still in its containment unit, with instructions not to touch it even with gloves on. That would make studying it more difficult; she’d have to use tongs in order to pick it up, but it was a necessary precaution. Accidentally turning the rest of the team into chipmunks would spell disaster not just for them but for the whole of Cardiff.

“It’s up to you now, Tosh,” Jack said. “I need to know how that thing did this to Ianto and how to change him back into himself.”

“I’ll get to work on it right away,” Tosh promised. “Try not to worry.”

“Thank you.” Jack offered his arm to Ianto. “Pay no attention to those two.” He nodded in Gwen and Owen’s direction. “They’re not worth the effort of biting. Let me take you away from all this. I think I have some nuts in my desk if you’re hungry.”

Now that Jack mentioned it, Ianto was starting to feel a bit peckish, and nuts sounded good, something he could really get his teeth into and probably far tastier than Owen’s prodding fingers would be, even if biting the other man would be satisfying in other ways. Still, he wouldn’t want his colleagues to think they’d won any sort of victory over him. He glared at Gwen, who was just reaching out to stroke him, and bared his teeth menacingly. She quickly drew her hand back. Turning his back on them as casually as he could, Ianto scampered up Jack’s arm to perch on his shoulder, flicking his tail dismissively.

“Anyone would think they’d never seen a chipmunk before,” Jack said conversationally as he made his way up the steps to his office. “Have I ever told you how good you look in stripes? They really do suit you.”

Ianto risked a cautious glance back at the other three members of the team, who were staring after them, speechless. If chipmunks could smile, he would have. That showed them!

Up in his office, Jack sat at his desk and let his chipmunked boyfriend scamper down his arm onto the desktop. Ianto was still agitated by his colleagues’ behaviour and sitting up on his haunches in the middle of the blotter, stared up at Jack, chittering his annoyance, stamping his little feet, and waving his tail about to emphasise what he was saying.

To his credit, Jack just sat and listened attentively, nodding and commiserating. Ianto knew his lover probably didn't understand a word he was saying, but nevertheless he seemed to get that Ianto was airing his grievances against Gwen and Owen.

Finally Ianto wound down, out of breath, his little chest heaving and, feeling a bit embarrassed about his uncharacteristically vocal outburst, distractedly started cleaning his whiskers, tail still twitching in agitation.

“I know,” Jack sighed. “They’re both idiots. You’d think by now they’d realise they’ve left themselves open to revenge once you’re back in human form.”

Ianto stopped cleaning his whiskers to chitter at Jack some more. It was probably just as well Jack couldn’t understand him, because he was saying some very uncomplimentary things about the people he worked with, but it was oddly cathartic being able to say it all out loud.

Jack smiled apologetically. “I don’t speak chipmunk, sorry. Still, I know what you’re probably saying and I agree; they deserve everything they get. You know I’m on your side, right?”

Ianto nodded his little striped head and rested a tiny paw on Jack’s finger. He felt so much better now, knowing that at least Jack was still taking him seriously.

“We’ll plot your revenge once you’re you again. Here, have a nut. You need to keep your strength up.” Jack dug in his desk drawer and produced the promised bag of nuts, still in their shells. Hazelnuts, walnuts, and brazils; from the looks of them they were probably left over from Christmas, but to Ianto’s chipmunk senses they smelled fine. His nose twitched in appreciation and he bounded forward, battling the urge to cram several nuts in his mouth and find a safe place to hide them. He still felt like himself, mostly, but natural chipmunk instincts were hovering in the background and he couldn’t afford to let them take over. After a few fraught moments of internal wrestling he managed to gain control, ruthlessly quashing the need to store food and selecting one of the hazelnuts. The other kinds would be harder to get into, despite his sharp chipmunk teeth.

Sitting back on his haunches, holding the nut in his forepaws, Ianto gnawed through to the kernel, deftly extracting it and tossing the inedible shell aside before settling down to eat. He was hungrier than he’d though, being so small took a lot of energy; the nut tasted good but it was quickly gone and he reached for another, again making short work of getting rid of the shell.

Sitting watching him eat, Jack dutifully cleared away the empties and got out a nutcracker, breaking into several walnuts and brazils to give Ianto more variety in his feast and helping himself to a couple. It made Ianto feel less… different to be having a meal with his lover. They often shared food when they were both human so it was familiar and comforting.

As he ate, Ianto considered his current state of being and found he wasn’t too worried that he might be stuck as a chipmunk permanently. When these situations occurred, which they did from time to time, Tosh always found a way to turn whoever was affected back into their usual selves. She was as much of a genius with alien technology as she was with that developed on earth, and she’d had so much experience with reversing strange effects that he had no doubt she would succeed this time as well.

The only real question was how long it would take and whether Ianto could hold out against the chipmunkness inherent in this small, furry form. Well, he was stubborn and as long as he stayed alert he should manage. The only downside of letting himself slide towards the chipmunk side would be that he might be left with a few chipmunk habits for a while after becoming a human again, perhaps an intense craving for nuts and an unfortunate tendency to scamper everywhere, twitching his nose. That would be embarrassing, but considering all the hits his tattered dignity had already taken in the past he felt sure he could survive a few more.

That line of thought naturally led him to thinking again about the reactions of his colleagues to his transformation. In some respects, he could understand why Owen was teasing him and Gwen was treating him like a cute pet; it was just the way they were. That didn’t mean he didn’t find it irritating in the extreme, but he could deal with it, up to a point. What he couldn’t understand was why they never seemed to learn from experience. When things like this happened to him they made the same mistakes every single time, and every time they ended up paying the price.

It wasn’t as if they were idiots… Well, okay, sometimes they were. But regardless of that, exactly how many times did he have to serve them decaf or assign them jobs they hated in retaliation for their insulting behaviour before they got a clue? At least Tosh treated him like himself, no matter what form he happened to be in, even when she was finding it difficult not to smile at his appearance. He’d never had to serve her decaf, and not just because he owed her for restoring him to normal. Even Jack was generally supportive on these occasions, having been in similar situations himself. Perhaps Gwen and Owen just thought he wouldn’t remember the indignities they heaped on him once he was himself again, but even that was naïve of them. They knew he had a near photographic memory, and merely being temporarily turned into something else never affected it.

Finishing a final nut, Ianto scampered up Jack’s arm to his shoulder and settled against the warmth of his lover’s neck for a little nap while Jack got on with some paperwork, obviously trying to stay on Ianto’s good side, no doubt all too aware that if Ianto was displeased with him he might get a painful nip from his lover’s sharp little teeth. Not that Ianto would, but it wouldn’t hurt to let Jack think he might. The threat of punishment was a good motivator with some people. Too bad it didn’t work for Gwen and Owen.

The day continued on, with Tosh busily working on the piece of tech responsible for Ianto’s transformation, and the other members of the team getting on with their own jobs. Ianto himself was finding his new existence a bit restrictive; he was used to always being busy, but chipmunks weren’t exactly well equipped for cleaning, or filing, or making coffee. Still, at least when Jack had finished the pile of paperwork on his desk and went to check on Tosh’s progress he took Ianto with him. After all, he knew Ianto had a vested interest in whatever Torchwood’s tech expert might have learned, even though it turned out not to be much so far.

Though Ianto would never admit it, being able to sit on Jack’s shoulder was rather nice. Jack was warm and comfortable, which made him feel safe. Plus, he provided Ianto with a good vantage point from which to look out over the Hub, and being up high meant nobody was likely to accidentally tread on him. Ianto was almost tempted to climb to the top of Jack’s head, the view would be even better from up there, three hundred and sixty degrees with nothing in the way but a few stray hairs, but he didn’t want to give Gwen and Owen further cause to make fun of him. At least on Jack’s shoulder he wasn’t so noticeable, and it meant he could still feel like he was part of the team and keep up with what was going on without having to deal with unwanted attention. As long as he kept still he was easily overlooked and maybe, if he was careful, he’d be able to find ways to prank his annoying teammates. Revenge would be sweet. Keeping his beady little eyes peeled for a suitable opportunity, Ianto waited.

The first one wasn’t long in coming. Gwen was in the habit of taking her shoes off when she sat at her desk, so it was simple for chipmunk Ianto to poke one of the nuts he’d ‘stored’ in Jack’s pocket for later consumption inside the toe of each one without her noticing; stage one complete.

Owen was a bit trickier, but Ianto had always been a patient man, even if he technically wasn’t a man at present, and he saw his opportunity when Owen did the coffee run, on Jack’s orders, grumpily making his way to the Ianto-approved coffee shop across the Plas. On his return, he handed out coffees to the team, and while he wasn’t looking, Ianto crept onto the medic’s desk and carefully gnawed a hole in the cardboard takeaway cup so that when Owen picked it up a moment later, all the coffee drained out over his desk, his paperwork, and best of all, his lap.

Ianto found the girly shriek Owen gave at receiving a lapful of coffee quite gratifying. He wasn’t harmed, just moistened, since the liquid was warm rather than hot; perfect drinking temperature in fact. Owen had left it standing on his desk for a good five minutes while Tosh went over some of the data she’d gathered from the transformation device with him, otherwise Ianto wouldn’t have chanced it. This was about payback after all, not cruelty; Owen could be annoying, and in fact quite often was, but most of the time Ianto considered him a friend of sorts. He hadn’t wanted to cause any serious harm, just teach the medic a lesson.

Back on Jack’s shoulder, Torchwood’s fiendish archivist, in the form of a small chipmunk, sniggered in the Captain’s ear, flicking his tail about in delight at the success of his prank. That one could definitely be chalked up as a resounding success!

“Did you do that?” Jack asked with a chuckle. “Excellent work; I’m impressed! Your ingenuity never fails to amaze me.”

Reaching up to rub his furry cheek against Jack’s smoothly shaven jaw, Ianto made a sound almost like a tiny purr, his little chest swelling with love for his captain. Nobody understood him better than Jack did. Settling down comfortably, he waited for Act Two of the Revenge of the Chipmunk to begin. He didn’t have to wait very long.

Barely a quarter of an hour later, the sight of Gwen hopping around and tugging off the shoes she’d just put on was the icing on Ianto’s cake.

“Who the hell stuck nuts in my shoes? Owen, so help me, if this is your idea of a joke…” She dropped heavily back into her chair, rubbing her tender toes and glaring at the medic, who’d just come back from the locker room having changed out of his coffee-soaked trousers.

“Oi! Don’t go blaming me!” Owen glared back at Gwen indignantly. “Bet you it was the Tea-Rodent, and it must’ve been him chewed a hole in my coffee cup so I got drenched!”

Jack leaned casually over the railings outside his office. “Let that be a lesson to both of you; it’s a bad idea to get on the wrong side of Ianto, no matter what form he’s in. Didn’t you know chipmunks are like elephants? They never forget.”

“Well he’d just better watch out once he’s human again,” Owen snarled. “Then it’ll be payback time!”

“Really, Owen? You’re sure you want to go that route? I have to say it lacks foresight on your part to make threats like that where Ianto can hear you, because I guarantee he can make your life more miserable than you’ll ever make his, and he can do a whole lot worse than just making a hole in your coffee cup. He might decide to turn his attention to your jacket, or hide your keys somewhere you’ll never find them, or…”

Owen raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, I get the message, just keep that sharp-toothed little menace under control!” He slumped down in his chair, scowling, arms folded over his chest.

“Ianto is his own man, Owen; I don’t control him. You’re on your own,” Jack smirked.

“Bloody Teaboy! I didn’t get so much as a sip of my coffee!”

“You could always go and get yourself another cup,” Jack suggested mildly.

“I might just do that, and drink it there instead of getting it to go.”

“That might be a wise precaution,” Jack agreed as he went back into his office and sat down at his desk. Ianto immediately jumped from his shoulder onto the blotter and sat there smugly grooming himself. “You really outdid yourself.” Jack’s voice was laced with admiration. “Do you feel better now you’ve had your revenge on them?”

Ianto paused in his grooming to look up at Jack and nod, chittering enthusiastically.

“That’s good. I’m just glad I haven’t done anything to annoy you. I dread to think what kind of revenge you’d inflict on me. So, what shall we do now while we wait for Tosh to figure out how that device works and change you back to your usual sexy self?”

Chipmunk Ianto gave a little shrug.

“Yeah,” Jack sighed. “There aren’t a lot of alternatives are there? It’s not as if we can indulge in our usual way of passing the time. While I have nothing against you being a temporary chipmunk, I’ll admit I prefer you in human form.”

The small striped head nodded agreement. Now the fun with Owen and Gwen was over, Ianto found himself at a loose end; he didn’t need to search for food the way a wild chipmunk would, and he wasn’t hungry anyway. He wasn’t sleepy either. He could scamper about and climb things, but he was still too much himself to behave in such an undignified manner. He’d only be giving Owen something else to tease him about.

Thankfully, Jack had one of his surprising brainwaves. “I think I might have just the thing!” He rummaged around in his desk drawer until he found the travel scrabble set he’d bought the last time Ianto was in hospital, and set it up. “Fancy a game?”

Owen might have been joking when he’d suggested teaching Ianto tricks, but it was hardly necessary. He might be a chipmunk, but he was still Ianto Jones, with all the intelligence and memories he’d had before crammed into his tiny chipmunk brain, and his little chipmunk paws proved quite deft at handling the small tiles. Whenever it was his turn he scampered around the board carrying the tiles in his mouth, setting them in place one by one using both paws.

Naturally Jack cheated, coming up with alien words, but for once Ianto didn’t mind. He retaliated by using Welsh words, giving Jack a questioning look as if daring his lover to complain. Jack merely shrugged, deciding that under the circumstances it didn’t matter who won. The important thing was to keep Ianto’s mind busy and his paws occupied. When you weren’t yourself, and in Torchwood that tended to be literal, waiting to be changed back could be a frustrating and stressful experience.

It was late afternoon before Tosh came up to Jack’s office bearing good news.

“I’ve figured it out!” she announced. “I mean I don’t know exactly how it can do what it does, but I do know the basics. It takes a DNA sample from something, in this case if must have come in contact with some chipmunk DNA at the zoo, and then it imposes that DNA onto another living being. It must have something to do with the flash of light you said hit Ianto, perhaps light of a certain wavelength, or a particular kind of radiation… Anyway, that’s not important right now. All we need is a sample of Ianto’s DNA from before he became a chipmunk and then it should be relatively simple to turn him back into his human self.”

“Good work, Tosh!” Jack beamed up at her before turning to Ianto. “Ready to get un-chipmunked?”

Ianto shuffled letters around on the scrabble board to spell, ‘Yes’ and ‘Thanks Tosh’, thereby completely messing up the game they’d been in the middle of.

“Hey! I was winning!” Jack pouted, but Ianto could tell he wasn’t really annoyed, as pleased as Ianto at the prospect of getting his human lover back. “Well, come on then.” He held out his arm for Ianto to scamper up and soon the chipmunk was back on his shoulder. “As much as I want you back to being you, I think I’m going to miss this part. I like that you can sit on my shoulder, all soft and warm.”

Ianto pressed his little nose to Jack’s cheek in a sort of chipmunk kiss and nestled against the side of Jack’s neck for the final time as they went down to the autopsy bay, where Owen was waiting with a drop of Ianto’s blood.

Tosh had already set up the device on the autopsy table so a soon as they arrived Ianto scampered down Jack’s arm to sit a safe distance from it. Tosh took the dropper of blood from Owen and dripped a single drop onto a smooth, concave circular patch on what Ianto presumed was its top. It started to hum quietly, but nothing else happened and he chittered uncertainly up at Tosh.

“Give it a moment,” Tosh said. “It needs to absorb your genetic code.” Ianto had rarely known a couple of minutes to pass so slowly. He knew that was how long it took because he watched the second hand sweep its way twice around the face of the wall clock, but finally the humming stopped. “Okay, it’s ready now, you just need to touch it. Everyone else stand back.” As Tosh took a few steps backwards, Jack and Owen followed suit.

Ianto took a deep breath and approached the device, which was easier said than done owing to the slipperiness of the surface he was standing on. When it was within reach, he sat on his haunches and reached out a cautious paw, resting it on the dull surface of the device. For several endless seconds it didn’t seem to be working, but then there was that dazzling flash of silver light again and Ianto was standing upright on the autopsy table, fully dressed, much to his and everyone else’s surprise. Even Tosh couldn’t account for that.

“How do you feel?” Jack asked.

“Like myself. How do I look?”

“Exactly right, although I’ll still need to check that everything’s present and correct.”

“Of course you will.”

Tosh reached for the device with her tongs, using them to switch it off and lift it back into its containment unit, while Jack helped Ianto to the floor, only to get deeply and thoroughly kissed.

“Not that I’m complaining, far from it, but what was that for?”

“You didn’t laugh, or make jokes, you just did your best to treat me as if nothing had changed,” Ianto explained. “I really appreciated that.” He turned to Tosh. “Thank you; I owe you as well. It wasn’t bad being a chipmunk but I wouldn’t want to be stuck like that permanently.”

“I’d never let that happen,” Tosh assured him.

“I know. As for you…” Ianto directed his gaze at Owen. “Let’s just say a leaking coffee cup could well be the least of your problems. It’s not nice to make fun of someone else’s misfortunes.” The glare Ianto directed at his colleague was much more intimidating this time and Owen took several steps backwards.

“Look, it was just a joke, that’s all. Lighten up!”

“Of course, Owen.” Ianto gave an evil smile. “When I feel you’ve suffered enough.”

Owen swallowed hard, obviously not doubting that Ianto would indeed take revenge on him; when he was good and ready. There was a certain piquancy to letting people stew in their own juices while waiting for punishment.

Turning away, Ianto took Jack’s hand. “Why don’t we get back to our game?”

“You sort of messed it up,” Jack reminded him.

“So I did. Well, why don’t we start again? We’ll just play it the other way this time. Strip Scrabble: whoever scores lowest each turn has to take off an item of clothing.”

Jack was beaming happily as they made their way up the steps from the autopsy bay. “Ianto Jones, I love the way you think!”

“I thought you might,” Ianto smirked. Yes, being back in human form was very good indeed.


The End