Title: Spider-Sitter
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe (Spider-Man)
Rating: G
Length: 1,215 words
Content notes: Set early in Spider-Man: Homecoming, spoilers for Captain America: Civil War

Summary: Happy did not sign up to be a glorified babysitter. Good thing he knows his boss well enough to hear what he doesn't say when he assigns him to be the go-between with Peter Parker.



Happy had known from moment one that the relationship between Tony and the kid was going to be complicated.

He’d seen people flit in and out of the billionaire’s life over the years, and he’d gotten pretty good at knowing which ones would stick around. The spider kid, with his wide-eyed excitement and his earnest desire to be a hero, was going to stick.

(There was a joke to be made here about sticky spider webs, but Happy resisted. His humor was seriously underappreciated.)

The chief issue with the kid was that, well, he was still a kid. He was a good-hearted kid with superpowers, a definite need for guidance, and an obvious desire to be part of Tony Stark’s world. So Happy suspected that Peter Parker’s presence was going to weave a complex web that held Tony fast, whether the billionaire was prepared for it or not.

What Happy had somehow failed to realize was just how much he himself would get tangled up in that web.

And yet here he was, standing in Tony’s workshop, holding up his Stark phone and lodging his complaint. “The kid has completely filled my voicemail and text messages. Twice.”

Tony glanced at him. “Really? I need to up the capacity on that. Give it here.”

“It’s not a capacity problem,” Happy said, though he let Tony take it anyway. “It’s a teenager problem. And the fact that said teenager idolizes you and has been stuck trying to communicate through me.”

Predictably, Tony ignored that point. “Has he been that busy?” he asked, probably shooting for nonchalance, as he pried the back off the phone.

“Sure. I wouldn’t have thought there were so many trees in Queens, but the cats sure seem to find them. And, on one notable occasion, a mail carrier.” Peter’s messages were tedious, but not entirely boring.

“Oh? Lucky for the mailman, then. But nothing violent?”

“No. I’d have told you.”

“Good, good.”

Happy watched Tony tinker a bit and then sighed. “You didn’t demote me and forget to tell me, right? I’m not just the messenger boy, now?”

Tony scoffed. “Of course not. You’re my Happy.”

Happy huffed. What could he say to that? He had never really minded playing more roles than a job description could define. Instead he grumbled, “I’m not very good with kids, you know.”

“Don’t think of him as a kid. Think of him as a superhero.”

He thought of the footage of the Avengers tearing into each other at the airport; of the bruises Tony thought he was hiding after Siberia. And he knew that if he ever saw Steve Rogers again—super soldier or not—he was going to rearrange his face. Aloud he said, “I’m not very good with superheroes, either.”

“What? Of course you are.” Tony flung his arms out dramatically. “Exhibit A.”

“You don’t count. You’re the exception that proves the rule. An anomaly.”

“Why Happy, I do believe that’s the best compliment I’ve received all year.”

Happy snorted. “No, that would be the sweet spider kid latching onto you and looking at you like you hung the moon. You’re clearly his hero.”

Tony hesitated a moment, then turned back to the table to wield his tools with renewed purpose. Happy was starting to worry he would soon need a new phone. “Well, the kid gets to be his own hero now. And you! I’ve put you in a supervisory position over a superhero. It’s a great show of confidence.”

Happy rolled his eyes. “Superhero-in-training, maybe”

“Which makes the honor all the greater.”

It was delivered with Tony’s usual deadpan irreverence, but Happy caught himself before he replied in kind. He knew Tony well, and he’d observed enough to know that there was a lot of truth behind the statement. Maybe even more than Tony realized.

So, as Happy watched Tony connect his phone to a cord and turn intently to the screen that popped up before him, he kept quiet and observed. Tony’s interest in Spiderman might have started as a curiosity and grown to a necessity when he needed additional manpower. But then he had found out who Peter was and actually met him and spent time with him. He’d taken him off to fight, and been terrified when he was hurt.

Tony cared about the kid. So did Happy, if he was being honest…it was practically impossible to not care about the eager, earnest, painfully young Peter Parker.

But Tony had never been very good at letting the people he cared about know that he cared about them. In fact, his protective instincts were pretty wrapped up in the idea that keeping people at arm’s length from him was best for everyone involved. That was almost certainly in play here, as he felt a keen need to keep the teenager safe. Apparently he had decided that meant he had to be very involved—from a distance.

Enter Happy, playing the go-between.

So it actually was a great vote of confidence, not unlike guarding Pepper. Yes, Tony was foisting off on him a duty he really should have done himself. But he needed Happy to care for Peter by proxy.

Anytime he felt like a glorified babysitter, he would try to remind himself of that.

“Voila!”

Happy shook his head as Tony unhooked the phone and turned, tossing it to him. “Here you go. Message enhanced and spidey-proofed. Anything from Peter’s number will now go to a specialized mailbox. I even gave it a unique ringtone.”

“Thanks,” Happy said wryly.

Tony clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Seriously, though. You mind the kid?”

“No,” he admitted. “He’s just a little more time-intensive that I expected. I have other responsibilities, you know.”

“As your boss I do in fact know that.” Tony gave him a conciliatory pat and then released him, turning to head back to whatever he’d been working on before Happy interrupted. He twirled a hand in the air. “Just…skim the texts and give the voicemails a quick listen. The suit’s going to alert us to anything big in real time, so this is mostly just to give him an outlet and remind him he’s connected.”

“Some actual connection might be good.”

“You can text back if you want.”

“I meant with you.” When Tony didn’t respond Happy added, “He keeps asking me to remind you that he’s available for missions. He’s waiting to hear from you.”

That gave Tony pause for a moment. “Yeah, let’s not encourage that, all right? Just let him keep on being the friendly neighborhood Spiderman.”

Happy had a bad feeling about that. No way Peter was going to be content to sit on the sidelines if something went down. But no matter how much he wished they didn’t have to do things the hard way, he also knew from experience that Tony had to learn things for himself before he’d truly believe them. “Whatever you say, boss.”

“Right. Keep up the good work, Happy.”

Happy took it for the dismissal it was and turned to go. As he made for the door his phone vibrated, but instead of the usual ‘ding’ it let out a strange skittering noise that made his skin crawl.

He spun back to find Tony watching him slyly, grinning.

“Seriously?!?”