m-findlow.livejournal.com

Title: Slow burn
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 2,506 words
Content notes: Major spoilers for Torchwood audioplay "Broken"
Author notes: Written for Challenge 193 - Fast or slow
Summary: It was a slow burn at first, but now things are happening all too fast

"Just this once" had been the caveat he'd given. He had no concerns that Ianto wouldn't follow the instructions he'd given. The whole reason he'd told Ianto that was to ensure that he - Jack - kept up his end of the bargain. He knew he'd need Ianto to enforce it upon him, because he wouldn't be able to control himself. He never had.

As the days afterward wore on, he occasionally looked across at Ianto and saw him looking back, a hunger in his eyes that suggested all Jack had to do was get close enough and the floodgates would open. Once or twice he'd been close, but Ianto, true to his word, had kept him at distance. It was as if he too knew that Jack couldn't help himself, or perhaps he was holding himself back.

Jack had been taken completely by surprise by the young man, reaching over and kissing him in the SUV. It was just a fleeting moment, yet it was as slow and all-consuming as any kiss he'd ever had, over before it had ever really begun.

Ianto, who seemed so calm and level-headed, was the last person he ever expected to be drawn to guys as well as girls. It's that old Jack Harkness charm, he liked to tell himself. But more than that, it was as if he was seeing Ianto properly for the first time, seeing the vulnerable boy hiding behind the man with the suits and the sarcasm.

He'd known Ianto was in pain - he'd be stupid not to think that - but he'd been letting him deal with it on his own terms, letting him go about his day just as he always had. Ianto liked process and structure, so that's what Jack gave him, letting him do his job just as he always had. Coffee, paperwork, deliveries, cleaning, research, more coffee. Jack was happy to give him whatever stability he needed. The pain of losing someone you love had a way of sneaking up on you, letting you think you were coping, then coming crashing down on you when you least expected it. Jack knew routine would get Ianto through the easy days before the inevitable fall into despair arrived to claim him for its own.

His strange behaviour in the weeks beforehand hadn't computed; why he suddenly wanted to be getting out of the hub, following Jack around, getting into scrapes with aliens. He'd never wanted any of that before, and Jack worried that it was self-destructive. He'd tried to make light of Ianto throwing himself in front of Jack against a deadly alien, hoping to get some sense out of him as to why he suddenly felt the need to put himself in life threatening situations. He expected Ianto would shrug and say nothing, or perhaps intimate some suicidal tendencies about the futility of life. He hadn't expected Ianto to come right out and tell Jack that he felt like he had nothing left in his life except his job, and that even his job had no meaning.

The admission threw Jack. Why hadn't he just said he wanted to be more involved? Apparently, trying to talk to Jack was like trying to break down a brick wall with a spoon. He'd thought he was friendly and approachable. In fact, he'd tried extra hard to be all smiles and good humour for Ianto's sake. Had he gone too far and made Ianto think that he didn't see how he was suffering, or worse, belittled the idea with his carpe diem attitude? He tried talking to him once, and was completely shut down. Ianto didn't want to talk about Lisa and what had happened, giving Jack all the platitudes in the world about how he'd done the right thing, just to end the conversation as quickly as possible. After that, Jack didn't know how to bring up the subject again, or even if it was okay to come back to it another day.

He hadn't realised just how much of his own feelings he'd been keeping bottled up, not until everything came to a head down in that cellar. Ianto had the choice to save Jack or let him suffer, to be ejected through a portal in space to a slave colony to spend all his remaining days in brutal agony, which for him, would have been forever. Ianto was so full of anger that it scared Jack to see it. No, he wouldn't sacrifice Jack, no matter what. They were friends, weren't they? Ianto wasn't a monster. He was the monster. Ianto would stop the alien before he forced Jack through. He'd save him. And then he was gone, and Jack was trapped in another galaxy, doomed to live out all his days, asking himself why he hadn't done enough to try and save Ianto's girlfriend. It wasn't meant to end like this.

Then Ianto was there by his side, as he gasped back into life. Ianto had come back for him. Maybe he was worth saving after all, but he couldn't set aside the anger he felt that Ianto had betrayed him yet again. He didn't want remorse, he wanted loyalty and trust. He wanted... hell, he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to get away from him. Five minutes. He needed five minutes space before he did something he might regret.

He expected Ianto follow straight after him, like the good little lapdog he always tried to be. It hurt Jack more that he didn't, letting him sit there and stew in the car on his own. If he'd done more early on, maybe they never would have gotten to this point and made such a mess of things. Even when Ianto clambered in, buckling the seat belt and preparing himself for whatever punishment Jack felt the need to exact, he didn't know what to do with him. It was just a relief that he was there at all, and the minutes between the awkward silence, that first kiss, and arriving at Ianto's apartment all blurred together in a haze.

At first it was easy to tell himself that he was only doing it because Ianto needed it, but after five minutes of ferocious kissing, Jack knew he needed it too. Some small part of him had wanted Ianto since the day they'd first met, and he'd wanted it because it had seemed so unattainable. He loved the chase and he loved teasing and flirting with people. He did it to everyone, but he enjoyed it most with Ianto because he was so unflappable. It was a game to him to see what he could do to get under the man's skin and get a reaction out of him. He'd quickly learned that if he really wanted a reaction, all he had to do was leave a horrendous mess somewhere. It wasn't quite the kind of reaction he was hoping for, but anything to prove he wasn't an emotionless robot amused him.

There was nothing emotionless about Ianto, he had come to realise. There was nothing but raw emotion hiding under that facade he tried to hold so steadfastly in place. There was a primal need to be touched and to feel like he existed. It was like he'd been screaming in the darkness, waiting for someone to hear him. Jack heard him loud and clear now. He needed someone to take his pain away. Jack couldn't promise he could do that, but perhaps he could make it fade into the background for a little while. Just this once.

There was no thoughts of pain as Ianto pressed him up against his apartment wall, seizing Jack's lips in a ravenous kiss. Clothes disappeared quickly and Jack was taken aback by the complete lack of hesitation on Ianto's part to have their bodies pressed to so intimately together. They would have gone all the way had Jack not somehow kept them occupied enough until they'd collapsed on top of one another in an exhausted postcoital heap. Things had moved so fast even Jack was struggling to keep up with Ianto's hands and lips ravishing his every inch of skin, reciprocating and finding himself enjoying it more and more as the seconds ticked by. He didn't want to be a one night stand that Ianto would come to regret; another bad decision to blight his already troubled life.

When he woke up, Ianto's head resting on his shoulder, gentle breathing leaving soft little warm pillows of air ghosting over his skin, he almost wished he hadn't said this would be a one time thing. It had to be, though. Ianto was hurting, and last night had been nothing more than a way to exorcise some of the guilt and the pain and the anger he'd been holding on to for so long. Jack had done it himself enough times to know, so why did he feel so reticent to let him go now? Because you have to, Jack. Because you know it doesn't mean anything. Being on the rebound doesn't help anyone.

He crept out of bed, waking Ianto in the process who looked up at him with a strange expression on his face. It wasn't horror or shock or regret, but more like wondering if he'd done the wrong thing by Jack.

'Stay and get some sleep,' Jack said. 'Come in whenever.'

It was partly because he didn't want to stay and have the awkward morning after conversation, and partly because he didn't want them arriving at the hub together. At some point in the night, he'd remembered he'd left Gwen and Tosh at the hub, on wild goose chases because he'd demanded it of them. They'd be more than a little annoyed at him, especially when their research was now a moot point. He had all the answers he needed about the missing people in Radyr and the mysterious goings on at The Ferret. He'd have to fess up that the puzzle had been solved, and also Ianto's involvement. He didn't necessarily want to mention all the finer details. It wouldn't do anyone any good if they thought Ianto was mad enough to try and murder one of their own. Rather he wanted to give Ianto the credit for unraveling the mystery and locating the source of the problem. The others needed to know they could trust him and that he was one of them. It was as much for his sake as theirs.

Today we go back to whatever counts as normal in our lives, Jack thought, watching as the young man arrived at nine am sharp, dressed neatly as always, with absolutely no indication that anything had happened last night. He walked away, made coffee, sat down and worked through his reports, fetched lunch, answered inane questions, made more coffee, called him sir. He kept to Jack's words, just as promised.

'Still here?' Jack asked, watching as Ianto was bent over his desk, a look of deep concentration on his face. He'd been caught out working late every night this week. Jack was about to tell him to get a life, before remembering Ianto's own words about how he didn't have one anymore.

'Work doesn't do itself,' he muttered. 'And going to the pub after work has rather lost its appeal. Did you need something?'

There was a glint of light in his eyes at the question, as if he was quietly hoping Jack was asking him to go out with him on some job. The rift had been remarkably quiet in the days since, and they hadn't gone anywhere together. The lack of excitement had dulled both their demeanors, and there had been nothing else to replace it; the days dragging by in one long slow unending tedium. They needed some fast-paced action to remind them to keep living for the moment.

I need you, Jack wanted to say, knowing it was ridiculous. He couldn't shake the way he'd felt at Ianto's touch, feeling more alive than he had for years. He'd avoided relationships for that very reason, knowing they always ended badly. They were just friends, and even that was fledgling at best. It had been hard enough for him to admit it, let alone make Ianto believe it.

'Just wanted to make sure you weren't pushing yourself too hard,' Jack said.

'I'm okay,' Ianto replied, ignoring the tired feeling in his bones. Sleep was overrated. It just hadn't been the same since that night he'd had Jack's warm body pressed along his own, holding him there, and letting him keep all the monsters  at bay.

'Are you?' Jack asked. 'Okay, I mean.'

'More good days than bad. That's meant to be an improvement, isn't it?'

Jack perched on the edge of the desk. 'It helps. Anything I can do?' He wanted Ianto to ask him to kiss him again. Jack had never been backward in coming forward, but on this occasion it had been Ianto who'd made all the first moves, and  Jack found himself unable to take control of the situation. He needed Ianto make the next move as well.

'I think you've done plenty, don't you? Above and beyond?' he said, raising an eyebrow at Jack.

Jack smiled in spite of himself. 'The other night was pretty... phew, intense,' he agreed, shaking his head and grinning.

'Sorry,' Ianto apologised. 'I wasn't thinking very clearly.'

'Don't be. And don't underestimate yourself. You knew exactly what you were doing. You made a choice to do something and not let life steamroll over you.'

'I shouldn't have taken advantage of you, sir.'

Jack reached out a hand and touched his arm. 'Hey, I kissed back remember?'

'You did.'

Jack cleared his throat, sitting up straighter. 'Anyway, I was thinking, you know, um, it's late, and everyone else has gone home, and you should-'

'Sir, with all due respect, perhaps you could just shut up,' Ianto said before stepping forward and kissing him. Jack fell into him and wrapped his arms around Ianto's waist, pulling him closer as his own hands snaked around Jack's neck, driving their lips and tongues into one tangled mess.

Jack caught himself letting out a tiny whimper as they finally parted.

'Just this once?' Ianto asked, finally catching a breath in between kisses.

'Maybe.' Once, and once again, and once again thereafter until there were no more days left.

'Normal is overrated,' Ianto said.

'What's normal?' Jack asked.

'Not us,' Ianto replied, leaning in for another kiss.

When Jack finally pulled away, he tried to regain some composure, yet somehow knowing he was utterly done for, no matter what. Ianto was right; they were both screwed up. They needed each other. That had to make it okay.

'We can go as fast or slow as you like,' Jack said. 'No pressure.'

'No pressure,' Ianto replied, kissing him again, though Jack wasn't sure if he'd even heard the words.

Maybe for now it didn't matter. They were all broken. This was just them dealing with it.