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Title: Guilty pleasures
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Tosh, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,107 words
Content notes: Spoilers for Countrycide
Author notes: Written for Challenge 188 - Rush
Summary: Tosh never expected to enjoy her job so much.

He was scared, she could tell, but he was putting up a good face, bricking it. She'd always thought of him as a bit of an old soul, quiet and soft spoken, yet not because he was simple or lacking in wits. Far from it, he was exceedingly sharp and intelligent. She could converse with Jack on any number of technological fronts, discussing how various pieces of alien tech worked, but for Jack it was more about explaining what they did, rather than how they did it. He didn't have any interest in the technical workings, only the practical application. Ianto on the other hand, would sit there and listen to her waffle on for hours about the proton charge that caused the flux capaitcitor to inversely produce a quantum field. It didn't mean he understood half of it, but he absorbed it all the same, without having to feign an interest.

Despite that, he was still so young. It was just another sign that she'd taken him for granted. They all had. He wasn't like them, not in the same way. He wasn't a field agent, and though he'd faced his own monsters in his time at Torchwood, he'd suffered them because he had to, because he'd had no other choice, not because he'd wanted to, or chosen to. Everything he'd done had been a desperate attempt to save a life that meant more to him than his own. That was the difference between them. He wasn't ready yet to put his life on the line for a bunch of strangers. Not like them.

'You're used to this, aren't you? That facial expression you all share when things get a bit out of control, like you enjoy it. Like you get a high from the danger.'

'You want me to apologise for that?'

It came out sharper and more abrupt than she'd intended. Partly it was because it shocked her that he'd put it so astutely. When had she changed and become a person she no longer recognised? When did being put in life threatening situations give her a buzz?

She'd been like him once upon a time; shy and scared of her own shadow. She'd never put a toe out of line, ever, always keeping her conscientious self tucked away out of view. She didn't want recogniton or accolades, she just wanted to do what she was good at. That was enough for her. Then life had been turned upside down. Suddenly faced with the prospect of her family in danger, she'd changed, like someone flipping a switch. Family was all that mattered. If she had to break a hundred laws to save her mother, then she would. She betrayed the government that she'd worked so hard for, then she'd been betrayed by her mother's captors, and then the government had come in and siezed them all, the circle of betrayal having come full circle.

Jack had saved her, put her skills to good use, and finally she felt like she'd found her true purpose in life. Then danger element of the job had snuck up on her, like a long shadow in the morning light. There'd been times early on when she'd been terrified: facing down weevils, diffusing alien bombs, the first time Jack had ever taken her down for arms training and made her stand there and try to hit the target he was standing right next to. Yet through it all she'd come out the other end, stronger for it. She felt like a clydesdale horse, happiest when she was set to work, however grueling it seemed. That she had begun to enjoy it somewhere along the way shouldn't have come as a surprise to her. She'd never considered herself brave, not like Suzie and Owen. They threw themselves headlong into danger all the time, and Jack even more so. She was just the technical brains of their small team, not some gung-ho alien catcher, and yet she she couldn't deny the rush she felt at being right there in the middle of all the action, her own actions standing between her and the end of the world. She had the power to make a difference, and she wasn't about to stand by and let it happen if she could do something about it. Power had tempered her fears, setting them aside, letting them fade into the background, proving she was capable of far more than she thought.

She looked at her young coworker, filthy and bruised, not unlike herself, yet somehow so much more vulnerable.

'Don't you ever wonder how long you can survive before you go mad, or get killed, or lose a loved one?'

Even day, she thought, but it didn't matter. She was mad simply for doing this job; being killed in the line of duty was something she had slowly come to accept, given the dangers they faced everyday; and the people she cared about most in this world were safer because she kept them at a distance. They couldn't hurt her family now, and she had no one else close that could end up in danger because of her. Perhaps it was better that way.

'It's worth the risk... to protect people.'

'And who protects us?'

She didn't have an answer for him. She wanted to say Jack would protect them, but she didn't think that would give him any comfort. He'd already seen first hand what Jack would do when his team was threatened, shoving aside personal feelings. In Ianto's mind, perhaps he thought Jack might sacrifice any one of them in order to save the world. She could still hear the sound of the gunfire that had killed Ianto's girlfriend, the cyberwoman. She didn't even remember pulling the trigger but she knew she had, and she knew why. It was that rush of adrenaline again, making the right decision for her, taking fear and emotion out of the equation.

Nor could she promise him that she would protect him, though she'd certainly try her hardest. She hadn't given up on them yet. The adrenaline flowed through her veins as she turned the problem over in her mind. She always worked best under pressure, and her determination to survive was the best kind of pressure there was. Perhaps she should have been ashamed of the fact that she enjoyed the feeling, but if they were going to get out of here, one of them had to keep their heads firmly on their shoulders. There'd be time enough later to worry about whether it was right or wrong, assuming they made it out of here alive.