He had been dreaming of that night at the ballet. The night when, possessed by the spirits of the ballerina and her lover, Angel had gotten closer to Cordelia than he ever would again. His mind had replayed the vivid memories of that night, Cordelia's face, her eyes glowing with arousal or closed in pleasure; the softness of her lips or the skin of her neck and stomach; the sound of her moans, gasps, and whimpers; the scent of her perfume surrounding him and the tangy fragrance of her arousal that made Angel's mouth water with the need to taste her.

Angel shook his head. He needed to stop thinking of things he could never have. He needed to remind himself that no matter how real everything felt, it wasn't. Cordelia would have never kissed him if she hadn't been influenced by the ballerina.

But Angel would have kissed her. That was the problem.

It's why he told Cordelia that he had wanted to "start over, at the beginning." Because he wanted anything that might happen between them to be just between them, Angel and Cordy, and not tainted by anyone else.

He was so stupid that night. What, exactly, could happen between them? Angel loved her too much, and she made him so happy on a daily basis, that just kissing her or hearing the words "I love you" would be potentially dangerous. He obviously could never make love to her.

But Groo could. He probably already had.

Angel clenched his hand into a fist as he remembered how Groo had shown up after the ballet and how Cordelia had melted into his arms. If Angel had been anyone else, maybe he would have tried to say something to Cordelia or at least point out that she had basically made Groo into a replica Angel with the new haircut and Angel's clothes.

But he was Angel, the loyal friend and dutiful "champion," who bought Cordy a potion so she could have sex with her boyfriend and gave her money so she could go on a vacation with him. He was a pathetic coward, but he just wanted Cordy to be happy. Groo was better than Angel, and he could make Cordelia happy in ways Angel never could.

He recalled that reddish room he had seen at the demon brothel with the couple laughing and having a playful pillow fight. He wanted that to be him and Cordelia. It would be just them, with the "emotions and sensations extended for maximum pleasure," like the owner had explained. Cordy and him in high definition. Angel liked the idea of that.

Angel bit his lip and lowered the edge of his boxers until they were past his thighs. He just wanted to escape to a world where he could take Cordy to that special room, where he could show her exactly how he felt. He closed his eyes and lowered his hand to his cock as he imagined him and Cordelia stumbling into the room, kissing, intoxicated by each other. She would be giggling, but not from a pillow fight. Angel wouldn't be focused on anything but her, and he would be beaming with joy, carefree and unconcerned about losing his soul.

Angel tightened his grip on his cock as he pictured them tumbling onto that luxurious bed, with him on top of her. He imagined the heated expression in her eyes and whimper she would release when his hard dick pressed up against her through the fabric of their clothes. God, he couldn't wait to get inside her.

The first step, of course, would be to get each other naked. It wouldn't be like it was at the ballet. There would be the fumbling and nerves of a couple having their first time together instead of the confidence of experienced lovers. But the reality of them being together that way would only make things more perfect.

Angel would gaze down at Cordelia's naked body, the rise and fall of her breasts as she breathed, her flat, toned stomach, the dark curls covering her sex, and the long, shapely legs he had dreamed of for so long. And then, he would start to touch her.

Again, it wouldn't be like at the ballet. Stefan knew how and where the ballerina preferred to be touched and bypassed certain areas. Angel wouldn't. He would touch Cordelia everywhere with his mouth and hands, exploratory and greedy. He would pay attention to what made Cordelia moan or gasp and focus his attention there until she begged him for more.

And then he would get to do what he had gotten so close to at the ballet. He would bury his head between her thighs and get to taste her. Angel licked his lips as he imagined plunging his tongue inside Cordy and sucking her clit. She had smelled so good that night at the ballet, and Angel knew she would taste even better. He growled under his breath as he pictured the way she would respond, clenching her fingers in his hair so hard it hurt a little, rocking her hips up against his mouth, and screaming his name so loud everyone in the building could hear her. And then he would bring her over the edge and make her quiver against his mouth.

Angel imagined Cordelia pushing him back onto the soft mattress as she kissed him deeply before climbing on top of him. He didn't know anything about how she was in bed, but he thought Cordelia would enjoy being in charge. Angel liked the idea of her exerting dominance over him.

She would stare directly into his eyes as she positioned herself over him and sank onto his cock at a slow, torturous pace. Angel would have to hold himself back from coming right then and there at the wild look in her eyes or the feeling of finally, finally being inside her tight, silken heat. He was so close to falling apart just from imagining it that the real thing would probably overwhelm him.

She would begin to ride him, slow at first and then increasing the tempo until she was slamming herself up and down on top of him, with her hands planted on his chest for leverage. Their skin would collide in wet sounds echoing through Angel's head, and she would groan, low and breathy, when his dick hit her G-spot. Angel would hold onto her hips and thrust up in her and push her up and down on his cock, harder and faster.

Angel wouldn't be able to take his eyes off of her, off of the slight sheen of sweat that would make her body glow, the hypnotic motion of her breasts bouncing as they made love, or the dark hair hanging down near her cheeks. She was so beautiful, so amazing, so much more than any man, especially him, would ever deserve. Most of all, he wouldn't be able to stop staring at her hazel eyes, filled with so much love and desire. Always for him. Only for him.

"Angel, I love you," Cordy said.

Angel couldn't hold back anymore as he felt that familiar tightening sensation in his lower abdomen. He jerked up into his hand a few more times before he came with a hiss of Cordy's name.

But at that moment, the fantasy was ruined. Instead of coming inside Cordelia, his semen splashed onto the back of his own hand, a reminder that he was alone and would always be alone in this. A reminder that they would never be together in the way Angel wanted most.

Angel refused to open his eyes for a few seconds. Instead of seeing Cordelia on top of him, he would see the ceiling of his own bedroom. He wanted to pretend for just a little longer.

But he opened his eyes eventually, gulping back tears at the sight of the bedroom ceiling. Angel was such an idiot, and he had regretted letting himself give into his dreams. It only made him feel worse.

He reached over to the box of Kleenexes beside the bed and used one to clean off his hand before he tossed it into the nearby wastebasket. This was all wrong. Instead of cleaning himself off, he should have had his arms wrapped around Cordelia as she collapsed on top of him.

Angel pulled up his boxers and gathered the sheets around himself, feeling inexplicably cold. He was a vampire, and he was in Los Angeles. He shouldn't have been able to feel cold, but he did. If he had been with Cordelia, he would have felt warm, with her gathered into his arms and the scent of her shampoo tickling his nose. He would have been able to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, feel the light slap of her hand against his chest as she called him a dork, and the brief press of her lips against his. Instead, he was alone, and Groo got to sleep next to Cordelia and get her post-coital affection.

Angel tried and failed to go to sleep, but the only thing he could think of was how he would have stayed awake after Cordy fell asleep and watched her eyelashes flutter as she dreamed. Angel bit down on his lip to contain a sob. She was probably sleeping next to Groo right now.

Angel could only be with Cordy in his own mind, and that truth felt worse than a stake to Angel's heart. He only fell asleep that night for a couple of hours due to sheer exhaustion.