Title: Careful What You Wish For
Fandom: Being Human (UK)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 983
Content notes: N/A
Author notes: In which I totally ignore the ending of Being Human and carry on as if it never happened.
Summary: Alex accidentally summons a genie, but it's okay. She's used to this kind of thing now.

“I didn’t know we were expecting company,” Hal said as he entered the living room to find Alex sitting, arms crossed, in the arm chair while the stranger laid on the sofa, his back against the arm.

“No, no me neither actually,” Alex agreed, looking up at him. “Funny story actually. Did you guys know genies existed?” She looked between Tom and Hal. “No? No? Okay well...” she gestured to the man on the sofa. “Check it out!”

“What did you do?” Hal asked tiredly.

“Me? What makes you think I did anything, maybe he just y’know showed up?”

“Alex.”

“Okay, okay, so I was going through some stuff in the attic and I found this old lamp-” She stopped as Hal turned away, shaking his head.

“So...okay I might’ve given it a wee rub but...how was I supposed to know this was going to happen?”

“You rubbed a lamp. In this house?” Hal asked. “Really Alex, is there something wrong with you mentally?”

“Ey that’s a bit harsh,” Tom protested. “I think it’s dead cool, me. A genie what can grant wishes and that! Amazing!”

“Thank you, Tom,” Alex replied. “But to answer your question, Hal, no there isn’t anything wrong with me mentally. I was just messing about, okay? I didn’t expect an actual genie to pop out of it. I mean what kind of fairy tale bull shit is that?”

“The ghost asks the vampire and the werewolf,” Hal sighed..

“Anyway, it’s fine. It’s not like I’m stupid enough to make any wishes or anything. I know how badly that ends, and honestly I’d rather my life not get any crapper, thanks.”

“So what do we do with him?”

“I am actually here,” the genie pointed out, sitting up, turning his attention to Tom, the only person in the room that was reacting in any way appropriately in the circumstances. “Three wishes,” he told him. “What’ll it be.”

“Don’t you dare,” Hal hissed. “There has to be some other way of getting rid of you.”

“Honestly I don’t want to be here any more than you want me here,” the genie assured him.. “Three wishes and I’ll be on my way.”

“I could have my dad back,” Tom said more to himself than to the others.

“Tom,” Alex said, getting out of the chair. “It wouldn’t work. He’d be a zombie or something. He wouldn’t be the same.”

“Well what if I were careful? What if I said I wanted him to come back just as he was before?”

“Big wishes like that never happen smoothly,” Hal said, moving to his side. “I’m sorry Tom, but we can’t risk it.”

“You can’t stop me!” he protested.

“No, we can’t,” Hal agreed. “But if you just stop and think about it for a moment, From what you’ve told me about him he wouldn’t exactly be happy with our living arrangements, would he? Or our friendship.”

“But...I miss him,” he said.

“And I miss my family,” Alex told him. “But we can’t change the past.”

“I can,” the genie butted in.

“You can just shut up!” Alex said. “No wishes, got it?”

“No wishes and I’m here for good,” he said with a smile. “Your choice.”

“We’ve fought against the actual devil,” Hal told him. “Do you seriously think we can’t deal with a genie?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, now if you’ll excuse us we’re going to work out how to get rid of you in the kitchen.”

“I’m not in the kitchen,” he said frowning.

“We’ll be in the kitchen,” Hal explained walking away.


The genie was flicking through the TV channels when they returned. “Anyone got a Netflix account?” he asked.

“I don’t even know what that is,” Hal replied. “And I don’t think I want to. It sounds dirty.”

“Online subscription TV service?” he clarified. “Oh come on, I live inside a lamp but I know what it is. What’s wrong with you people?”

“Well I’ve spent the last fifty or so years learning how to resist the urge to tear the throats out of every living thing I come across. Tom?”

“Living in a van in the woods and killing vampires mostly.”

They both turned to Alex. She was the most normal of all of them.

She shrugged. “I had a life,” she offered. “Y’know drinking, dancing, shagging randoms. Oh and it might not’ve been around when I still had a pulse so…” again she shrugged, “Sorry.”

“Anyway we’ve worked out how to get rid of you,” Hal said.

“Oh yeah?”

“Alex,” he said turning to her.

“I wish I had single cup of perfectly normal tea,” she said. When it appeared in her hand she put it down beside her. It wasn’t like she could drink it after all.

“Tom.”

“I wish I had two bottles of that shower gel I like upstairs.”

The genie stared at them. “You’re wasting your wishes.”

“Exactly,” Hal smiled. “If we don’t wish for anything in anyway interesting how could it backfire? My go next, so I suppose you’ll be on your way in a moment. So I’ll just say goodbye now. Now...there’s a slight tear in the marigolds by the kitchen sink. I wish I had a brand new pair.”

The genie frowned. “It’s not meant to be like this!” he said as he began to turn to smoke, pulled back towards the spout of the lamp. “You’re not playing the game!”

“No, we’re not,” Hal agreed as the genie vanished back inside. “So what should we do with that?”

“Lock it in a safe so no one can get their hands on it?” Alex suggested.

“An excellent idea,” he agreed. “Tom?”

“Well I was gonna say we wait and see if Antiques Roadshow comes into town and take it there, but okay, the safe’s probably a better plan, yeah.”